How do you know if it's the right time to get out or STAY?

[catnapper]

I figure it this way: Can you imagine your life without him? Would you be happy in other ways, or does he define your happiness? If you would be happy other ways, then you have your answer. If you feel he is your happiness, then you need to think of why he is... is it because you put all your hopes and dreams into him, or is it because he truly does make you happy?

I once dated a guy who refused to propose. I couldn't imagine why. I loved him, he loved me. We were so clearly headed in that direction but he was happy just being together. The funny thing was when we broke up EVERYONE expected me to be devastated. Before the breakup I probably would have imagined myself to be devastated. But instead I felt relief! I was free to find someone who really fit with me. It seems that I had unconsciously put hm on a pedestal. But I could see marriage to him sooooo clearly -- he made me laugh. I was so comfortable around him. We had awesome intellectual conversations. Enjoyed all the same music and hobbies. Problem was that it was all surface glitter. Inside, he wasn't what I needed. I needed someone with the capacity to LOVE. to let go of himself and give himself to me. To be vulnerable and honest. To have the same outlook on life.

Am I saying that you should leave? By no means! What I'm saying is that you need to evaluate what is really there.

[anna_66]

Of course it all depends on what you want. Do you have to be married or can you be happy just being with him and knowing he loves you?
If you will always want to be married and he doesn't neither of you will be happy.
Do what's in your heart and what will make YOU happy.

[Taz_Zoee]

Catnapper said exactly what I was going to say. Imagine life without him. If you can handle that then there is your answer.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 7 years now and I've accepted that we will probably never get married and I'm fine with that. Other people around me do not seem to understand and are always asking both of us about it.
He's been married before and she ruined him. Pressured him into marriage and then ended up cheating on him. He feels he is too old to have children (he turned 50 in Feb) so I know that isn't going to ever happen either. I'm happy and can't imagine my life without him so I'm staying right where I am.

I wish you luck in whatever happens.

[lvpets2002]

Well so far I have read good advise.. I have been married twice & divorced twice.. I never ever plan on marriage again.. If I am to have a relationship again I will just have a boyfriend to live with or not.. Like others have said you dont need a piece of paper just to state you love each other.. If you are both happy & in love now, then dont stirr the waters.. Stay happy & in love just the way you are now..

[CountryWolf07]

Can I imagine my life without him? No. I actually can't. That's what I was thinking last night. I remember that exact moment when we first met, and I just "knew"... I am happy with where we are, I'm happy enough to know that he loves me, and vice versa. He truly does make me happy, just always puts a smile on my face when he's around. If we did at some point, separate, I would absolutely be devastated.
I just think that after seeing so many people I know, getting engaged and married, it sort of puts me in a position where I'm thinking, "hey, what about me?" - I know it's incredibly silly, but I've always thought to be engaged by now at some point. Especially when I was younger, I used to think, I would probably be at 25.. but anyways, thank you. I am going to follow my grandparents' advice as they always gave me, "What's meant to be, will be."
Thanks for the great advice that everyone gave...

[lvpets2002]

Now you dont want him to ask marriage just because that is what everyone else is doing = Do You?? If he ask of marriage then you want it to be because he wants it of his own doings.. To heck of what everyone else is doing or saying.. Thats like if everyone is jumping off a bridge = then is that what you think you should do too.. Heck No.. Keep the relationship Happy & Loving as it is now..

[Cataholic]

^^ there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married (coming from someone not inclinded to marry). You are allowed to have your own dreams.

[moosmom]

What Johanna said!!

[NicoleLJ]

Hmmm maybe I see this differently because of my experiences with my ex. I could not imagine, when I was with him, my life without him. Didn't want too. My whole life revolved around him. I was dependant on him for my happiness and to feel whole. THAT IS NOT HEALTHY!!! He was very abusive to me and my children and thank goodness the relationship is over. I will never agian allow my self to feel like I can't live without someone.

My fiance is awsome. I love him dearly. OUr future looks bright and we are working hard towards our joint goals of where we would like to be. We can talk about everything and anything, enjoy all the same things and adore each others kids. BUT could I live my life without him? COuld I imagine my life without him? YES. Do I want to? I would rather not. I am not dependant on him for my happiness in life. Does he add happiness to it? YES. Does he help give me strength when I need it? Yes. Does he support me in the things I want to do? YEs. But could he take all that away, including himself and I could still be happy with my life? Yes.

Some of you may be confused by what I am saying. Others might get it. To me a life partner does not complete you. I used to see it that way but after a ton of counseling have since changed that view. You need to complete you first. If you are happy with yourself while you are with this person then that is what matters. If you are not complete within yourself while with this person then you need to reevaluate. I hope this makes sense.

[RICHARD]

Well,

Because Wom is on vacation, I'll have to step into his shoes.


I spent 13 years with my GF and even tho it was not all wine and roses? IT worked. We had our differences and there were days that we didn't want to be around each other...but those were few and far between.

The talk of marriage did come up, but because of reasons beyond our control, it didn't happen.

I have never married so I can't say anything about THAT part of life.

I do know that not being married made me 'work' at the relationship all the time.

---------

One word of advice?

If you are sharing a place? Make a written declaration about the arrangement you have, Just in case.

When my dad died, I split my time between the GF's and my mom's place.

My GF came up with terminal CA and her kids took over her place and I was locked out.

I was not allowed to visit and when she passed I found out about it from the people that we worked with.

I know that the laws are different from state to state, but that will save you a huge amount of pain and hassle, should "life interfere".

No one can predict the future, but you can prepare for it.

[Marigold2]

I think you already know the answer. Now you have to be brave and take the step.

[RICHARD]

I was thinking about this thread.

-----------------------

Sometimes we get too impatient with life and want to see what is up ahead.

It's like walking down the street looking thru a pair of binoculars. We do know what we may find at the end of the block, but you do miss out on everything immediately around you. There may be a crack in the sidewalk that will make you stumble, and you may hit it because you are busy trying to look ahead.


Does that make sense?


You'll know when to stop and use you 'binoculars' at the right time.

Until then?

Don't stub your toes or skin your knees.

There's plenty of time for that later on?