How do you know if it's the right time to get out or STAY?

[Medusa]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too.

[catnapper]

I figure it this way: Can you imagine your life without him? Would you be happy in other ways, or does he define your happiness? If you would be happy other ways, then you have your answer. If you feel he is your happiness, then you need to think of why he is... is it because you put all your hopes and dreams into him, or is it because he truly does make you happy?

I once dated a guy who refused to propose. I couldn't imagine why. I loved him, he loved me. We were so clearly headed in that direction but he was happy just being together. The funny thing was when we broke up EVERYONE expected me to be devastated. Before the breakup I probably would have imagined myself to be devastated. But instead I felt relief! I was free to find someone who really fit with me. It seems that I had unconsciously put hm on a pedestal. But I could see marriage to him sooooo clearly -- he made me laugh. I was so comfortable around him. We had awesome intellectual conversations. Enjoyed all the same music and hobbies. Problem was that it was all surface glitter. Inside, he wasn't what I needed. I needed someone with the capacity to LOVE. to let go of himself and give himself to me. To be vulnerable and honest. To have the same outlook on life.

Am I saying that you should leave? By no means! What I'm saying is that you need to evaluate what is really there.

[anna_66]

Of course it all depends on what you want. Do you have to be married or can you be happy just being with him and knowing he loves you?
If you will always want to be married and he doesn't neither of you will be happy.
Do what's in your heart and what will make YOU happy.

[Taz_Zoee]

Catnapper said exactly what I was going to say. Imagine life without him. If you can handle that then there is your answer.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 7 years now and I've accepted that we will probably never get married and I'm fine with that. Other people around me do not seem to understand and are always asking both of us about it.
He's been married before and she ruined him. Pressured him into marriage and then ended up cheating on him. He feels he is too old to have children (he turned 50 in Feb) so I know that isn't going to ever happen either. I'm happy and can't imagine my life without him so I'm staying right where I am.

I wish you luck in whatever happens.

[lvpets2002]

Well so far I have read good advise.. I have been married twice & divorced twice.. I never ever plan on marriage again.. If I am to have a relationship again I will just have a boyfriend to live with or not.. Like others have said you dont need a piece of paper just to state you love each other.. If you are both happy & in love now, then dont stirr the waters.. Stay happy & in love just the way you are now..

[CountryWolf07]

Can I imagine my life without him? No. I actually can't. That's what I was thinking last night. I remember that exact moment when we first met, and I just "knew"... I am happy with where we are, I'm happy enough to know that he loves me, and vice versa. He truly does make me happy, just always puts a smile on my face when he's around. If we did at some point, separate, I would absolutely be devastated.
I just think that after seeing so many people I know, getting engaged and married, it sort of puts me in a position where I'm thinking, "hey, what about me?" - I know it's incredibly silly, but I've always thought to be engaged by now at some point. Especially when I was younger, I used to think, I would probably be at 25.. but anyways, thank you. I am going to follow my grandparents' advice as they always gave me, "What's meant to be, will be."
Thanks for the great advice that everyone gave...

[lvpets2002]

Now you dont want him to ask marriage just because that is what everyone else is doing = Do You?? If he ask of marriage then you want it to be because he wants it of his own doings.. To heck of what everyone else is doing or saying.. Thats like if everyone is jumping off a bridge = then is that what you think you should do too.. Heck No.. Keep the relationship Happy & Loving as it is now..

[Cataholic]

^^ there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married (coming from someone not inclinded to marry). You are allowed to have your own dreams.

[moosmom]

What Johanna said!!

[Marigold2]

I think you already know the answer. Now you have to be brave and take the step.

[Cataholic]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too.

So very true. What is it that YOU want? If it is marriage, a person that freely discusses the most intimate feelings, tells you (and shows you) that he loves you, etc., than I don't think Mike is it. He is essentially telling you that.

I don't buy the "men don't talk", it was how they were brought up, a bad prior relationship, etc., type stuff. You are entitled to (and I suspect freely give of it) love on your terms...and there IS someone out there for you.

Don't stay in a relationship thinking he will change. He won't. Good luck, and I am sorry, cause it is apparent you care for him.

[Daisy and Delilah]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too.

This says it so well. Rachel, I know how long you've been waiting for what you want. In the case of you and Mike, I would almost always say to stick it out if you love him. I'm not saying anything different right now.
Ask yourself::: how much longer can you go on without getting exactly what you have had hopes and dreams for for so long?
Best of luck in making the right decision. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}