How do you know if it's the right time to get out or STAY?

[Queen of Poop]

He's a guy. Guys aren't real good at the feelings stuff. You're a woman, you feel things differently. As for marriage, right now I cannot really recommend it. It's not worked out well for me twice now and I will never do it again. He's with you, he loves you and you guys are doing great. He's never going to be all mushy and feely, it's not in him. If you can accept that then I think you guys will have an awesome future.

[carole]

I sure can see it from your side though, you want a future with this guy that does include marriage and perhaps children, maybe that is not where he is at just yet, but if you love each other and are happy ,why rock the boat, but on the other hand i guess you dont' want to invest many years in a relationship that is not going where you want it to be.

If you are happy for now, best not push it, and just see how things go,but seriously if he does not want the same things as you, maybe he is not your Mr Right.

[Catty1]

I asked him one simple question about if we were on the same path, on the things we want in life,

If you ask yourself this simple question, do you have an answer? Or, if he asked you, what would you say?

His thoughts and opinions are no more able to make or break the relationship than yours are. It takes two.

You don't have to answer, it's kind of a rhetorical question - but how would YOU answer it?

You've posted a few times in the past, and one of the things that it seems you always mention is that he doesn't say "I love you." If you truly accept that, that will take some pressure off the relationship - especially off him. Suppose you knew he would never say those words to you as long as you both live? What would you do?

HUGS

[CountryWolf07]

If you ask yourself this simple question, do you have an answer? Or, if he asked you, what would you say?

His thoughts and opinions are no more able to make or break the relationship than yours are. It takes two.

You don't have to answer, it's kind of a rhetorical question - but how would YOU answer it?

You've posted a few times in the past, and one of the things that it seems you always mention is that he doesn't say "I love you." If you truly accept that, that will take some pressure off the relationship - especially off him. Suppose you knew he would never say those words to you as long as you both live? What would you do?

HUGS

He has already said it a couple times now, but it doesn't really matter if he says it or not because I've accepted it, really. I know he does, he knows I do, so that part is out of the way.

IF he did ask me that question, I would say, I see myself being married, have a great job, have a kid or two, just a good life, really, basically have something that I'd be proud of and to look back on as I get older. He just says he understands where I am coming from but I think he doesn't really 'get it'.. He just doesn't like to talk about it. I did ask him if he wanted to get married someday, have kids someday, and he said yes. But otherwise, if it was on the topic of "us"... he doesn't really have anything to say but, "I don't know" or "maybe".. otherwise, I decided to drop it for now. I just wish he'd understand how it's a normal topic that comes in a relationship after being together for a period of time.

[Medusa]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too.

[catnapper]

I figure it this way: Can you imagine your life without him? Would you be happy in other ways, or does he define your happiness? If you would be happy other ways, then you have your answer. If you feel he is your happiness, then you need to think of why he is... is it because you put all your hopes and dreams into him, or is it because he truly does make you happy?

I once dated a guy who refused to propose. I couldn't imagine why. I loved him, he loved me. We were so clearly headed in that direction but he was happy just being together. The funny thing was when we broke up EVERYONE expected me to be devastated. Before the breakup I probably would have imagined myself to be devastated. But instead I felt relief! I was free to find someone who really fit with me. It seems that I had unconsciously put hm on a pedestal. But I could see marriage to him sooooo clearly -- he made me laugh. I was so comfortable around him. We had awesome intellectual conversations. Enjoyed all the same music and hobbies. Problem was that it was all surface glitter. Inside, he wasn't what I needed. I needed someone with the capacity to LOVE. to let go of himself and give himself to me. To be vulnerable and honest. To have the same outlook on life.

Am I saying that you should leave? By no means! What I'm saying is that you need to evaluate what is really there.

[anna_66]

Of course it all depends on what you want. Do you have to be married or can you be happy just being with him and knowing he loves you?
If you will always want to be married and he doesn't neither of you will be happy.
Do what's in your heart and what will make YOU happy.

[Cataholic]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too.

So very true. What is it that YOU want? If it is marriage, a person that freely discusses the most intimate feelings, tells you (and shows you) that he loves you, etc., than I don't think Mike is it. He is essentially telling you that.

I don't buy the "men don't talk", it was how they were brought up, a bad prior relationship, etc., type stuff. You are entitled to (and I suspect freely give of it) love on your terms...and there IS someone out there for you.

Don't stay in a relationship thinking he will change. He won't. Good luck, and I am sorry, cause it is apparent you care for him.

[Daisy and Delilah]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too.

This says it so well. Rachel, I know how long you've been waiting for what you want. In the case of you and Mike, I would almost always say to stick it out if you love him. I'm not saying anything different right now.
Ask yourself::: how much longer can you go on without getting exactly what you have had hopes and dreams for for so long?
Best of luck in making the right decision. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}