When family attacks/elder care and sibs rant.

[RICHARD]

Dad used to sit down to eat-He loved his buffets!- and would prepare his coffee.

If there wasn't a clean spoon on the table he'd reach into his pocket and pull out a pen to stir it up....

THAT would ice my mom sooooooo badly!

The running joke for us was if I served her a cup, with no spoon, she'd ask me for a pen to stir it!

------------------------


Now, on to the another problem I have.

IT's my nephew who lives in my mom's house. He's 26 years old and I really cannot trust him.

He came to live with mom about three years ago-he lived with another nephew and was told to move out because of his attitiude and the way he leaves stuff around the house.

Here are some examples of his habits.
The toilet got plugged up from his blowing his nose and tossing all the paper into the bowl-sometimes he doesn't bother to flush it.
He ended up getting on his computer-which has a dialup modem and SOMEHOW 400 dollars of charges were billed to her phone -He then stated that he thought that I may have run up the bill-I am DSL and I don't even have a phone in my house.

Groceries?
Mom and I would buy bottled water-she doesn't like tap water- he'd come pick up a few bottles and drink them.

In all that time, he has bought groceries maybe three times and water twice.

My mom is very adamant about complaining about who eats what in her home. Since I did most/all of the cooking for the past few years I'd shop and store all the groceries in her house.

I'd buy bread, sandwich meat, cheese and things for a quick lunch- I'd go over and ask mom if she wanted a sandwich, go into the fridge and see one slice of cheese and a package of meat that was starting to get hard-he's gone thru made sandwiches-but he doesn't bother to seal the packages -his thing is cheese. I'd pick up the block style cheese, he'd make grilled cheese sandwiches, toss the package back into the fridge and not bother with the rest of it because the end got hard because it was exposed to the air.

He's considerate enough to leave the last piece of bread in bag for us.

----------------------

This kid will not eat anything cooked - mom would always ask my brother -I wouldn't do it because she was creating a fastidious little AH- to bring him frozen food/burritos. I balked because when I was growing up I ate what the whole family ate. I eat pretty much anything - I am just glad to have a bite to eat.

In the evenings he would walk thru the house, go into the kitchen and start 'cooking'. a few minutes later he would walk out with nothing in his hands. I could never figure out what was going on until one day i looked out my door and was able to see him eating over the sink in my mom's kitchen.
No dishes to wash-paper plates and napkins. I do not remember ever sitting down at a table for a meal with him in attendance.

-------------

I got into a yell-a-thon with him a few minutes ago.

In all the time he has lived there he has been leaving and coming back days later. He stays with his girl friends and guy pals.

Since mom went to the hospital he splits without letting anyone know. Before that he'd go out and come home more drunk that I could ever get-He's think nothing of coming home at 4 in the morning and so drunk he chould not get into the gate. I'd be sitting up with mom and he'd stumble into her house without a word. I guess when you are that effed up you can't talk, walk and open a door. He'd look at me, then mom and move on-nothing-not a word, hi, eff you !!!!

This past week he left on Sunday, didn't leave a note or message, he called Monday and said he'd be back on Tuesday, the then called last night at 8:30 and said he'd be back later on, He came home today, walked into the house. I was lying on the front room floor he looked at me, walked into his room and started unpacking his bag- he then walked back to where I was lying and walked past me without a word.


Need a breath.....LOL, I need to stop breathing!

[Medusa]

Dad used to sit down to eat-He loved his buffets!- and would prepare his coffee.

If there wasn't a clean spoon on the table he'd reach into his pocket and pull out a pen to stir it up....

THAT would ice my mom sooooooo badly!

The running joke for us was if I served her a cup, with no spoon, she'd ask me for a pen to stir it!

------------------------


Now, on to the another problem I have.

IT's my nephew who lives in my mom's house. He's 26 years old and I really cannot trust him.

He came to live with mom about three years ago-he lived with another nephew and was told to move out because of his attitiude and the way he leaves stuff around the house.

Here are some examples of his habits.
The toilet got plugged up from his blowing his nose and tossing all the paper into the bowl-sometimes he doesn't bother to flush it.
He ended up getting on his computer-which has a dialup modem and SOMEHOW 400 dollars of charges were billed to her phone -He then stated that he thought that I may have run up the bill-I am DSL and I don't even have a phone in my house.

Groceries?
Mom and I would buy bottled water-she doesn't like tap water- he'd come pick up a few bottles and drink them.

In all that time, he has bought groceries maybe three times and water twice.

My mom is very adamant about complaining about who eats what in her home. Since I did most/all of the cooking for the past few years I'd shop and store all the groceries in her house.

I'd buy bread, sandwich meat, cheese and things for a quick lunch- I'd go over and ask mom if she wanted a sandwich, go into the fridge and see one slice of cheese and a package of meat that was starting to get hard-he's gone thru made sandwiches-but he doesn't bother to seal the packages -his thing is cheese. I'd pick up the block style cheese, he'd make grilled cheese sandwiches, toss the package back into the fridge and not bother with the rest of it because the end got hard because it was exposed to the air.

He's considerate enough to leave the last piece of bread in bag for us.

----------------------

This kid will not eat anything cooked - mom would always ask my brother -I wouldn't do it because she was creating a fastidious little AH- to bring him frozen food/burritos. I balked because when I was growing up I ate what the whole family ate. I eat pretty much anything - I am just glad to have a bite to eat.

In the evenings he would walk thru the house, go into the kitchen and start 'cooking'. a few minutes later he would walk out with nothing in his hands. I could never figure out what was going on until one day i looked out my door and was able to see him eating over the sink in my mom's kitchen.
No dishes to wash-paper plates and napkins. I do not remember ever sitting down at a table for a meal with him in attendance.

-------------

I got into a yell-a-thon with him a few minutes ago.

In all the time he has lived there he has been leaving and coming back days later. He stays with his girl friends and guy pals.

Since mom went to the hospital he splits without letting anyone know. Before that he'd go out and come home more drunk that I could ever get-He's think nothing of coming home at 4 in the morning and so drunk he chould not get into the gate. I'd be sitting up with mom and he'd stumble into her house without a word. I guess when you are that effed up you can't talk, walk and open a door. He'd look at me, then mom and move on-nothing-not a word, hi, eff you !!!!

This past week he left on Sunday, didn't leave a note or message, he called Monday and said he'd be back on Tuesday, the then called last night at 8:30 and said he'd be back later on, He came home today, walked into the house. I was lying on the front room floor he looked at me, walked into his room and started unpacking his bag- he then walked back to where I was lying and walked past me without a word.


Need a breath.....LOL, I need to stop breathing!

This is an easy one for me. Open the door, get behind your nephew, put your foot on his gluteus maximus and push! Then close the door and change the locks.

[RICHARD]

part two?

One of my other brothers was wild and crazy back when we were about my nephew's age.

When he was running around with his friends I told him if he got into trouble and was hurt or killed that I would not shed a tear for him......I guess it worked, he's still alive and kicking.

When I told my nephew this he kinda laughed and said that he wasn't worried.
The times I heard him come home and saw that he was so wasted that he could not walk I wondered what the people who drove him home were like.

I confronted him when he walked past me and told him, you aren't going to say anything? Because he is/was never told anything he immediately becomes defensive and starts to argue really stupid points.

I asked him why he doesn't call to check in or let us know where he is.

His response? I called you -twice to say he was coming home and then never shows up- He could be at the morgue or county jail for all I know when he pulls that shiat! He then turns it back on me that his number is on the caller I.D. and I should call him to get info. I laughed at him and told him I wasn't in the business of keeping track of him and it was up to him to respect my mom's house and me.

My family has this really stupid phone ethic that they cannot be bothered to make an extra call or make a 'decent' phone call-another reason that I don't have a phone and don't run to answer a ringing phone. Examples? My sis would call my mom and tell her she was having a party and that SHE should tell everyone to come.

Like,she can't call us individually and make the invite? The last time we hade a Christmas party I asked her what I should bring and she said, "Nothing!' Later on she complained that no one helped her with the expense of throwing the party-we helped her clean up and my GF at the time evn washed her effing dishes!

Another thing that happens is my sibs call to my mom's house and they always sound like it's a GD emergency, "MOM, pick up the phone, HELLO, HELLO!"

I told my nephew that it wasn't my job to keep track of him and it was his job to give us a courtesy call to let us know where he is. He seems to think that I should call him.

He also started to give me that BS line that he's out on job interviews. When he called last night-I heard the call on the machine but did not pick it up because he was already drunk and slurring his words. I didn't bother to answer it. I knew that he was partying with his pals.

A about two weeks ago he told me that he might be leaving - his other thing is leaving about 8-8:30 in the evening, saying he's coming back later on and shows up three days later! When 10:30 rolled around he hadn't left-so I went into the house and sat down to watch TV and keep my eye on things.

ON other occasions he's brought his friends into Ma's house, into his room and they stay up drinking until 12-1 in the morning. Mom had come to camp out on the sofa in the front room so having him and his friends parade thru the house was kinda inconsiderate.

Anyway, It was a few minutes after midnight when I heard a car pull up and the gate rattle, I went to the front door and there was a woman on the porch asking for him. I told her that it was late and if she knew what time it was. She asked for A and I told her to wait.....I had never seen this twit before and I sure wasn't going to invite her in. I went an got him.....he picked up his bag, walked out and didn't come back for a few days.

When I told him that if he wasn't going to call and make a courtesy call-other than the "i'll be home later" and never show up phone calls he should get out.


He had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't working and just sat around all day.

I told him that I have worked for years already and it was none of his business.

I also told him that his computer was unplugged until I said it would be plugged back in.

------------

I guess what I need to know is if I am wrong for being such a hard arse on him.


I haven't asked for anything much in return.....Just for him to be considerate and he can stay in the house......

I am waiting for him to be out and get a call from the police or hospital.....I don't need that shiat and cannot and will not help him if he does get into a bind.

It's just another problem I do not need now.

[Medusa]

part two?

One of my other brothers was wild and crazy back when we were about my nephew's age.

When he was running around with his friends I told him if he got into trouble and was hurt or killed that I would not shed a tear for him......I guess it worked, he's still alive and kicking.

When I told my nephew this he kinda laughed and said that he wasn't worried.
The times I heard him come home and saw that he was so wasted that he could not walk I wondered what the people who drove him home were like.

I confronted him when he walked past me and told him, you aren't going to say anything? Because he is/was never told anything he immediately becomes defensive and starts to argue really stupid points.

I asked him why he doesn't call to check in or let us know where he is.

His response? I called you -twice to say he was coming home and then never shows up- He could be at the morgue or county jail for all I know when he pulls that shiat! He then turns it back on me that his number is on the caller I.D. and I should call him to get info. I laughed at him and told him I wasn't in the business of keeping track of him and it was up to him to respect my mom's house and me.

My family has this really stupid phone ethic that they cannot be bothered to make an extra call or make a 'decent' phone call-another reason that I don't have a phone and don't run to answer a ringing phone. Examples? My sis would call my mom and tell her she was having a party and that SHE should tell everyone to come.

Like,she can't call us individually and make the invite? The last time we hade a Christmas party I asked her what I should bring and she said, "Nothing!' Later on she complained that no one helped her with the expense of throwing the party-we helped her clean up and my GF at the time evn washed her effing dishes!

Another thing that happens is my sibs call to my mom's house and they always sound like it's a GD emergency, "MOM, pick up the phone, HELLO, HELLO!"

I told my nephew that it wasn't my job to keep track of him and it was his job to give us a courtesy call to let us know where he is. He seems to think that I should call him.

He also started to give me that BS line that he's out on job interviews. When he called last night-I heard the call on the machine but did not pick it up because he was already drunk and slurring his words. I didn't bother to answer it. I knew that he was partying with his pals.

A about two weeks ago he told me that he might be leaving - his other thing is leaving about 8-8:30 in the evening, saying he's coming back later on and shows up three days later! When 10:30 rolled around he hadn't left-so I went into the house and sat down to watch TV and keep my eye on things.

ON other occasions he's brought his friends into Ma's house, into his room and they stay up drinking until 12-1 in the morning. Mom had come to camp out on the sofa in the front room so having him and his friends parade thru the house was kinda inconsiderate.

Anyway, It was a few minutes after midnight when I heard a car pull up and the gate rattle, I went to the front door and there was a woman on the porch asking for him. I told her that it was late and if she knew what time it was. She asked for A and I told her to wait.....I had never seen this twit before and I sure wasn't going to invite her in. I went an got him.....he picked up his bag, walked out and didn't come back for a few days.

When I told him that if he wasn't going to call and make a courtesy call-other than the "i'll be home later" and never show up phone calls he should get out.


He had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't working and just sat around all day.

I told him that I have worked for years already and it was none of his business.

I also told him that his computer was unplugged until I said it would be plugged back in.

------------

I guess what I need to know is if I am wrong for being such a hard arse on him.


I haven't asked for anything much in return.....Just for him to be considerate and he can stay in the house......

I am waiting for him to be out and get a call from the police or hospital.....I don't need that shiat and cannot and will not help him if he does get into a bind.

It's just another problem I do not need now.

See advice in above post.

Seriously, Richard, you're right, you don't need all that drama and aggravation. Remove as much stress from your life as you can. He's a major stress factor. Remove him.

[Catty1]

Involve your bro and SIL in this too. Put all his stuff out in boxes. Change the locks. Reserve a motel room for him and pay for the first night. Then he's on his own.

[Catsnclay]

Wow, I am so amazed at this whole thread........here I thought I was the ONLY one with a crazy family!!

I guess some of us would be wonderful canidates for the Jerry Springer show!!

As some of you know, my father has dementia (stage 3) and it all started to show about one year ago. Since then I have been through hell & back; learned a whole lot about my sister, mother and a lot of other family members that I thought that I knew. I am (still) learning about dementia, and I strongly urge you and anyone else that is gong through this to join a support group, they usually have one at the home or nearby hospitals. You will learn how to cope with your mother, family and YOU. You and your family members are going through all the stages of grief. Yes, grief - as in death. Dementia is a horrible disease that slowly kills your loved ones, you grieve now and through their entire disease and then again when they pass. It is not fun and I do not wish this on my worst enemy - and believe me, I am findiing out who they are very quickly!!

A little background about me & my 'wonderful' family:

I am the oldest and only have a sister who is 49, never been married only had one serious BF, blames all of her problems on my father & men. My mother does not help much, she & my father diviorced in 2002 after 48 years of (a horrible) marriage. They fought from the time they woke up till they went to bed - every day. The only time they didn't fight was in front of people, and they did this very well. My sister & I use to joke about their plastic faces they had at the front door. To know my parents you would think they had the perfect marriage, life, children etc. but close the doors and it was a living hell. My sister & I could do no right, we were losers and worthless. Good huh?!

My sister has never really had a job......she claims to be a 'Make-up Artist' - she lived in LA for several years and did make-up, but never joined the union, so she lived hand-to-mouth-to mom slipping her money.

Now that she lives back in AZ she decided to become a 'Fashion Designer' she has a website and sells mostly lingere - but not the kind a normal person would wear (sorry I don't mean to offend anyone, but I hope you understand what I mean). So between her make-up jobs & few and far between clothing sales, she still relies on mom.

Oh, and the biggest kicker...........when my parents divorced my father got the house, my mother got the house my sister lives in (they paid cash for a house for her with the idea of her paying them rent - ) and my mother put the house in my sister's name (HUH???!!!!) then she bought another house for her. So, yes you read this right.......my parents divorce and my sister gets a house - free and clear. - - -

The house was exactly 1 mile away from my father's house. The ONLY time my sister would go and see him was on her birthday, to collect the $100.00 bill he would give us. Never called when she found out he was sick, never stopped by (on her daily visits to Starbucks) to see if he needed anything, etc. She even told me that I was lying to her and he was not sick. She was in denial for many months. She never helped me move dad to his new facility, never helped me clean out his kitchen nor the rest of the house.........

BUT...........here she is now, in court trying to get Guardianship & Conservertorship away from me. We both had to go & get attorneys (and where do you think she got the money from?) to represent us. This is totally redicolous, stupid and a HUGE waste of time and money.

Actually she really doen't want anything to do with dad or his health, she is really after his money.


Surprised?

[Catsnclay]

Part 2 (sorry, I am on a soapbox and will now step down and get to my point!! )

Richard, any everyone else: you need to get all of the Power's of Attorney, get their wishes either written down or on a video. You have now become the proud "parent" of your parent. Trust me, it is not a fun job. Don't get me wrong, I love my father and I am doing all I can to make sure he is in a safe place, with 3 meals a day, clean room and clean clothes.

You are going to find out who really loves your mom/dad and who is really just hanging around with thier hands out.

If you & your family memebers did not get along before dementia, you will really not get along now. Dementia does NOT bring a family together.

The fighting, name-calling et-all only gets worse. You will most likely never speak to these people ever again.

You know the saying "Illness brings the family closer..." that is NOT true.


Trust me - everything MUST be in writing or you too will wind up in court, and it get ugly - fast.

What you are doing is RIGHT and do not second guess yourself.

Richard- you ARE doing the right thing, and do not let your family tell you otherwise.

P.S.

Follow the advise of others about your nephew......boot his 26 year old arse out & change the locks. You do not need to deal with him, or anyone else right now.


OK - time for me to stop my rant. Sorry if I went on & on.

Good Luck!

Bunny

[RICHARD]

OK - time for me to stop my rant. Sorry if I went on & on.

Good Luck!

Bunny

I wish I only had a rant that went for only two posts.

My nephew told my bro and SIL that "He couldn't stay here tonight" called his buddy then went to my mom's bedside to tell her that I threw him out of the house.


I am totally screwed. I have the feeling that my bouts with my AH relatives have only started...I was worried about fighting with them and you know?

I don't care because I feel like I am telling the truth...and the truth is on my side.