Opinions needed..............

[Marigold2]

I am so sorry to hear of your hardships. It isn't easy being a mom. I always have to laugh to myself when these young girls are so happy to be pregnant, they have no idea that once a mom, always a mom.

My best advice is to try and make her as self sufficant as possible. They are her kids not yours. She decided to have them and she needs to find a way to take care of them. You did your job they are over 18 you are done and now have to think about yourself. After all who will be there to take care of you?

I made it clear to all three of my kids that if they have children they will raise them. I now have my own life I have been a mom for 29 years and spoiled all the kids. They have had their schooling and they have had love, support, advice, now they need to be adults and take care of themselves.

My daughter sounds a lot like yours. The more I do for her the meaner and nastier she becomes and the more she expects. Time to her to be on her own and see how the real world works.

Best of luck to you. I know it's hard to think of yourself but honesty your kids won't so you have to.

[wombat2u2004]

Hi Doc,
Not real sure if I can be of help here, as I'm a foreigner, and I'm sure our "system" here in Australia is a bit different....but I'm going to try and give it my best shot.
What sort of safety nets has the government over there provided for situations such as this ???? Has she any right to public housing ??? And if so, can that housing be provided within a reasonable travelling distance .....
a) to you (so that you may assist your daughter when YOU feel able)
b) to her her ex hubby (who must have some sort of access rights.)
I would think, that your daughter must have some recourse to Government assistance because she has a child with a disability. And because of this, she may able to receive some sort of government monetary assistance whilst trying to get a job to work part-time so that she may eventually become more independent. There are schemes going that help people in situations like your daughter, there are here, I'm sure there must be in the US to.
I would agree with what the other PT'ers here have written..... in that you should speak to your daughter about your own health issues, and whilst not trying to be of an "I don't want you here" opinion, be more like a "I'm mom, and I'm here to help, but my health isn't too crash hot at the moment" opinion. I'm mean you may also have to spell it out to her....like the fact that she left home as a child into that big bad world out there, had kids, taken on all the responsibility of life that she thought she could handle, and has now figured out that life isn't as easy as she thought , and it's time to come home to mom and dad......that this is not on !!!!!
Whilst I do feel sorry for her and this situation that she is in.....I do feel that she should at least TRY and get on now with her own life the best way she can, like pick up the pieces all by herself. I know this may sound a little harsh Doc, but it isn't impossible, even with a disabled child, given that some sort of support is available thru the Government. And then, you can just help out when you feel you're ok to do that, and health permits.
That's my thoughts on the matter mate.
Wom

[Marigold2]

Great advice Wombat.

[Karen]

I will echo the others, especially after you said that you never hear from her unless she needs something. If she's been working on the divorce for a while now, she should also have been working on the "what next" plan. If it didn't please her to be living with you when she was 17, it's not going to be any easier now.

My siblings and I were informed - even before we were even of child-bearing age - that my mother was NOT going to be a "babysitting grandmother." Just because you are a grandmother, that doesn't mean you have to agree to let them all live with you!

We were also raised knowing "You make your bed, you lie in it." As in, we'll always love you, but don't expect us to bail you out of messes you make.

If your daughter doesn't know these things by now, well, it's never too late to learn 'em!

[Daisy and Delilah]

Kym, my reading comprehension skills are not great so I'm not sure if the problem is in Tiff moving in your house or just to the same town.

If you mean for her possibly moving into your house, here is my .02 cents on that:

You have already raised your daughter, she moved away, married, and has her own children. It's now her responsiblilty to take care of herself and those children. It's no longer up to you. I think you have to use the tough love approach if it comes to that in this case.

I would feel terrible if I had to turn my kids down for help but.......if my health were in danger of worsening, I would say, "so be it", and expect them to understand. She should have enough respect for you to do that without question.

I always say, with some experience, that family relationships can quickly go bad in situations like this. Bad feelings will grow and may never be corrected again. What's the old saying about company being like fish? After three days, they both start to smell, so to speak. Anyway...something like that.

I think you could offer to help her find a place and help her get back on her feet again but from a safe distance. If that's truly what you want to do.

At 55 years old, from my perspective, I could never see myself living with one of my children under any circumstances. That may sound bad but, we're all very set in our ways and just not compatible as "house buddies" anymore. The same goes for me living with my mother or vice versa. If I have to do it I'll find a way but as long as there are choices, I'd like to keep us all comfortably seperated.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I don't envy you at all-believe me!! I'm thinking she may be eligible for some type of assistance as well.
Again, she needs to do the leg work herself with possibly a little bit of assistance from Mom.

[Blue_Frog]

Tee-Hee who said Hagrid is going home (kidding hunny) as for houses the one next door is down to 39K now so you could move here....hint hint.

Holy Fishsticks Batman! I can't even get a one bedroom condo out here for less than 149K! Maybe I should move out there

Seriously tho, you need to do whats best for your health (physical and mental), no matter how much you love your kids. And having the extra stress of your daughter and 2 babies in the house is likely not the best plan. You could help her to find a place of her own, get herself settled back into teh area, and even offer to watch the kids once in a while (ie. not everyday from 9-5), but with the zoo and everything else, theres only so many bodies that can be wedged into one household, and i think yours might be nearing capacity

[DrKym]

Ali, I agree with the zoo part lol!
I did talk to Tiffany today and was told, that since I seem unable to help her and her kids when and how they need it then she will be unable to let me see them, as she only allows family that gives a damn to be a part of their lives.

So I guess I did not have to make the decision after all.

Jesse called and tried to tell me not to be hurt, that Tiff is stressed and being awful to everyone, and to let it slide. That she will keep me updated on the kids and talk to her sister if she doesn't nail her first.

[mike001]

You have the answer to your question under your nose. What your daughter said to you about not seeing your grandchildren because you can't help is selfish and immature.
Invite her to live near you, make it clear that she must find her own place because of your health issues and make it clear that she is the mom for the kids, not you. Sounds like she needs to grow up fast. It didn't work before, it won't work now. I wouldn't put my health on hold for her problems that she herself created. Make it very clear that she will have to get a job to support herself and her kids.
If you can spare the money, offer to pay first month's rent on a place and then she's in charge.
I think it's called tough love. The dividends are great in the end though. Good luck.

[Catty1]

Actually, Mike - I think Tiff's comments to her mom put her in just the right spot for her to work everything out for herself, as she should.

If Tiff has cut Kym off - FOR NOW - then she can go ahead and do it her way. A few good doses of humble pie won't hurt her one bit.

"...if [Jesse} doesn't nail her first." LOL

Kym - sounds like you can let this one slide - Tiff has to figure this out by herself, is PO'd and taking it out on everyone. That is my guess.

HUGS to you...Look after yourself and maybe she will learn to do the same.

[wombat2u2004]

Ali, I agree with the zoo part lol!
I did talk to Tiffany today and was told, that since I seem unable to help her and her kids when and how they need it then she will be unable to let me see them, as she only allows family that gives a damn to be a part of their lives.

So I guess I did not have to make the decision after all.

Jesse called and tried to tell me not to be hurt, that Tiff is stressed and being awful to everyone, and to let it slide. That she will keep me updated on the kids and talk to her sister if she doesn't nail her first.

Ahhhhhh...Doc. You don't deserve this mate. Mike has a good idea, perhaps you should try that.
Wom

[cassiesmom]

HUGS to you...Look after yourself and maybe she will learn to do the same.

Hugs from here, too, and prayers and good thoughts.

[carole]

Gosh i don't envey your situation at all, i am sure your daughter is just stressed and does not really mean what she is saying,still very hurtful all the same.

Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that she has taken this stance with you, we all want to be there for our children in hard times,but is sounds like your daughter is making that very difficult for you to do just that, honestly she just has to meet you half way, or it's no way, as for being a built in babysitter, that is not fair either, you have your own well-being and life to think about as well,be there for her as much as you feel you can, I am sure if she got a place of her own nearby, you would beable to pick and choose your time with her and the children, and help whenever you felt it was possible or needed, anyhow good luck, and try not too feel guilty, because you have nothing to feel guilty about ok.

[Laura's Babies]

Don't let her remarks about not letting you see them ruffel your feathers any. I would laugh at that and be on my merry way and she would never know I worried for one minute about that.. Because I know the first time she needs a babysitter, guess who she will call.

My grand daughter does that to her mother and she gives in every time giving that girl more and more power over her. She comes in that house whenever she want and "takes" anything she wants (I call it stealing) and if Mom complaines, she uses the threat of keeping the kids away to "whip" Mom into place. She takes money, their car, even her Mom's clothes, or whatever she wants. Don't EVER let her use that on you and have it work, you would be opening the door to God only knows what.

I had only one child that tried that one on me because he used it on their other grandmother and it worked. I told him "fine" and went on to the next subject without hesitation. Before the day was out he called back and wanted to know if I could keep them that night... Nope, I had plans that night.. LOL! He NEVER use that on me again! Believe me, it is all in how YOU respond to their threats and blackmail. (It only works if you let it)

[Daisy and Delilah]

Actually, Mike - I think Tiff's comments to her mom put her in just the right spot for her to work everything out for herself, as she should.

If Tiff has cut Kym off - FOR NOW - then she can go ahead and do it her way. A few good doses of humble pie won't hurt her one bit.

"...if [Jesse} doesn't nail her first." LOL

Kym - sounds like you can let this one slide - Tiff has to figure this out by herself, is PO'd and taking it out on everyone. That is my guess.

HUGS to you...Look after yourself and maybe she will learn to do the same.

Well said!!

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Do you have any other family members living with you? If so, what effect would the change in arrangements have on them?