Opinions needed..............

**DrKym** · 04-14-2007, 11:52 AM

OK, so I usually give them and get paid for it. Now I need to solicit a few, I have several things going on in my life and would appreciate the famous collective minds of PT.

As a few you do know I have had a setback with my health lately, I am doing better and the outlook is good. However the treatments sometimes make it near impossible to get through a normal day.

All of you do know about my newest grandaughter, McKenna, born in November with retinal blastoma, she has had a couple of surgeries so far and is expected to do well. She will lose her lerft eye and be in classes for the blind when she is old enough to start pre-schools and such, my daughter Tiffany will be taught sign, and also braille as they do not know how much if any sight remains in her right eye. Which brings us to my issue.

Tiffany called yesterday to tell me she is getting a divorce, no big surprise, her relationship has been on and off with her hubby since they dated.She is 20 he is 22.
She wants to move here 1500 miles away with her kids, and start over.
I love her and I adore my grandkids, but Tiff and I do not get along after a few days, she is the type that can take anything innocuous, and turn it into an argument.

Example, while visiting with both daughter and grandkids, Jesse (the oldest child) was running some laundry into the dryer, Tiff wanted to take a shower, I wanted a snack. The kids (Gabriel Jesses son is 4 and Llewellyn Tiffs oldest is 2 ) asked me for some. I of course gave them some berries also.
Jesse came in laughed at Gabe and said he had berry face and said thanks mom, he usually gets hungry about now, how bout I start some lunch?
Tiff came out of the shower and said, I can feed my kids mother, why do you have to make it look like I don't? then told Llewellyn she shouldn't ask me for things, to ask Mommy, and she should have waited till Mommy was done with the shower.
Jess told her sister she was being an idiot, and Tiff went off about the fact that Jesse was always the favorite etc. and didn't it bother her that I was "mothering" her kids?

Point is, I want to help my daughter, and my grandkids, I paid their car off last month. But I feel awful for not wanting her to move here. I haven't said anything to her yet. I can't put an answer off much longer, but the stress level will go WAY up, and honestly my health cannnot take that. However I do know that the small town they are in won't be kind to her after the divorce, and they grew up around here in Illinois, so she knows the area and a few people. The job market is larger and the baby would be close to St.Louis and excellent health care for her issues.

Any comments? I could use all of them, I need to make a considered decision, and a different perspective NEVER hurts.

Thanks.
Kym

**Reachoutrescue** · 04-14-2007, 11:57 AM

It is hard when it is your own child getting a divorce. This is a hard decision and nobody can make it but you. If you do not feel comfortable with them living there, then you should be honest. Your health is your top priority. If your stress will be increased and your health will go down, then I would say to talk to Tiffany and explain to her how you feel. I wish I could be more help, but I don't know what else to say. As a mother, I am sure you want to help, but as a woman with health isssues, you want to stay clear. I wish you the best of luck in your decision, I as sure it will be the right one.

**Whisk_Luva** · 04-14-2007, 11:58 AM

I think you should just 'suggest' the idea to her, as an option, if she says no shes fine just say she should stay with you, just till shes ready.

**Babyboonie** · 04-14-2007, 12:37 PM

Wow Kym, I don't really know what to suggest - which isn't much help, I know. I think if I were you I would talk to Tiffany and make it clear to her that although you love her and your grandchildren, your health has to be your main priority and that you can do without unneccesary stresses.

From reading your example, I have a feeling that it would be tough on Tiffany too. She sounds like she wants to prove to you that she is a good Mum and is capable of looking after her children...hence her reaction when they came to you rather than her (albeit she was in the shower at the time). And to be honest, given the choice, she would probably chose for her marriage to have worked and for everything to be ok...but it's not and hence the fact she is turning to you.

As mother it is natural to want to help your children, and I understand that moving with you will be a nicer area, better hospitals etc, but that's not your responsiblity.

Try talking to her before you make any decisions. If it's a short term thing whilst she gets her feet on the ground and finds herself a job and a home of her own, then fair enough - but you need to be clear on this at the beginning.

It's a really tough decision and I don't envy you, but keep us posted.

**Catty1** · 04-14-2007, 12:48 PM

I wonder if you phrase it as a mutual question - "Tiff, you are my daughter and I love you, and it would be great for you to be here where you know people and can get a job easily.

"You know, my health has not been really good - and I am not feeling up to doing much at all these days. How can we work out enough quiet time for me without you feeling hurt?

"When I am healthy again, there will be no problem. But for now, I really have to take it easy.'

Let her give part of the answer, or the whole answer.

Just a thought.

Or - Get an unlisted number and don't tell her?

**DrKym** · 04-14-2007, 12:54 PM

LMAO, I thought about that! so far though all the opinions are good.
Please keep them coming....I kinda feel like I am in a quagmire here.

**moosmom** · 04-14-2007, 01:09 PM

Kym,

We all need to be there for our children at some time in our lives. When I ran away to Michigan back in 2002, I did it because my daughter had become dependent on me. I thought I did it for all the right reasons. I was wrong.

Be there for Tiff. But set boundaries. Maybe, if you can find an apartment NEAR you, it'll help. You know, so close, yet so far away??

I'm here for you, ya witchiewench. You need to talk, call me.

**dukedogsmom** · 04-14-2007, 03:27 PM

If it's going to affect your well being and you're already getting stressed about it, I think you know what the answer is, you know? Do what's best for you Also, as I've heard, make a list of goods and bads. If the bads outweigh it, there's your answer.

**Laura's Babies** · 04-14-2007, 04:56 PM

Without reading anyone elses post first here is what I'd do..

She know you have health issues and that you do NOT need the stress. Little ones, even as sweet as they are will disrupt your life as it is, then she has a problem also... For my health I would say "NO" in a heartbeat. That would be inviting trouble into your house and setting the stage for you to get worse.

Offer to help her find a place to live and even help her set it up if she needs help but invite her into my home.... NO!

I will tell you this. One of mine ran into a bad situation of their own creation and found themselves homeless with 2 kids and asked if he, his wife and kids could move in with me. I told him "NO" and reminded him the situation he was in was one of his own makings and why should I be burdened with his bad decisions.. HOWEVER.... The kids were innocent in all that so I took the kids in and let the adults fiend for themselves....

**DrKym** · 04-14-2007, 05:04 PM

Originally Posted by Laura's Babies

Without reading anyone elses post first here is what I'd do..

She know you have health issues and that you do NOT need the stress. Little ones, even as sweet as they are will disrupt your life as it is, then she has a problem also... For my health I would say "NO" in a heartbeat. That would be inviting trouble into your house and setting the stage for you to get worse.

Offer to help her find a place to live and even help her set it up if she needs help but invite her into my home.... NO!

I will tell you this. One of mine ran into a bad situation of their own creation and found themselves homeless with 2 kids and asked if he, his wife and kids could move in with me. I told him "NO" and reminded him the situation he was in was one of his own makings and why should I be burdened with his bad decisions.. HOWEVER.... The kids were innocent in all that so I took the kids in and let the adults fiend for themselves....

Laura thank you, this is what my heart is telling me to do, and my sister has offered to help with the grands, I just know that if I let Tiff move back in, it isn't going to be pretty.

I really feel awful, but on the other hand I will feel much worse if I allow this.

**applesmom** · 04-14-2007, 05:32 PM

she will be coming with no money no job and a sick baby

Wow! There's a lot to be considered! Can she or will she get a job making enough to support herself and her babies? Who's going to watch the babies if she does get a job?

Not knowing what her job possibilities are makes it difficult to even offer a suggestion. If she is willing and able to support herself and her children if she remains where she is, then it might be best for her to stay there until she can afford to move into her own place if she decides to come home at a later date.

Sometimes it's better to let them figure things out on their own as long as they aren't in danger of going hungry or faced with the children being homeless. Another consideration is that she probably won't be eligable for any welfare programs to help pull herself up if she's living with her parents.

I recently went through something similar with my granddaughter. Instead of letting her and her husband and 4 year old move in with me, I encouraged them to figure it out on their own. They're much better off for having pulled themselves up on their own with the aid of tons of moral support and a minimum of financial support.

Aside from the stress and wear and tear on my health there would have been another danger too if they'd moved in with me. Her husband is a stay at home dad and even though I truly do love him; he and I would have been in danger of killing each other living that close.

**DrKym** · 04-14-2007, 06:30 PM

I am thinking that the advice here is sound. It seems to reinforce what I am thinking anyway. Still good to hear all views and to make a decision based on many experiences not just my own.

BTW her skills are as a waitress, as for babysitting, I am certain she thinks I will do it. As she stated I do have kids here already, and some aren't even blood. (Jaspers kids live with us 6 months of a year and they are 9-14)

**Daisy and Delilah** · 04-14-2007, 10:06 PM

Kym, my reading comprehension skills are not great so I'm not sure if the problem is in Tiff moving in your house or just to the same town.

If you mean for her possibly moving into your house, here is my .02 cents on that:

You have already raised your daughter, she moved away, married, and has her own children. It's now her responsiblilty to take care of herself and those children. It's no longer up to you. I think you have to use the tough love approach if it comes to that in this case.

I would feel terrible if I had to turn my kids down for help but.......if my health were in danger of worsening, I would say, "so be it", and expect them to understand. She should have enough respect for you to do that without question.

I always say, with some experience, that family relationships can quickly go bad in situations like this. Bad feelings will grow and may never be corrected again. What's the old saying about company being like fish? After three days, they both start to smell, so to speak. Anyway...something like that.

I think you could offer to help her find a place and help her get back on her feet again but from a safe distance. If that's truly what you want to do.

At 55 years old, from my perspective, I could never see myself living with one of my children under any circumstances. That may sound bad but, we're all very set in our ways and just not compatible as "house buddies" anymore. The same goes for me living with my mother or vice versa. If I have to do it I'll find a way but as long as there are choices, I'd like to keep us all comfortably seperated.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I don't envy you at all-believe me!! I'm thinking she may be eligible for some type of assistance as well.
Again, she needs to do the leg work herself with possibly a little bit of assistance from Mom.