How do you know if it's the right time to get out or STAY?

[CountryWolf07]

So... on the surface, my relationship with Mike is fine.. we've been together about a bit over 3 1/2 years - we make each other laugh, things are good, we have things in common, same goals, etc.. except one thing. I want to get married eventually, someday, and while Mike says he doesn't know. I asked him one simple question about if we were on the same path, on the things we want in life, and he could not answer it. He keeps saying that things are fine, that he knows that I want to know and that he understands where I'm coming from.. He thinks I am being weird asking him about that kind of stuff and I'm asking at the wrong times..... (honestly, there's NEVER a right time for it) when on the other hand, I can't help it, because "I see it" with us, but it seems like he does not. I don't know what to do. I honestly have to say I'm in this still, because I had that feeling from day one that I knew what we had were going to turn into something big, we weren't just going to be friends, but we'd be in a relationship, etc. I'm actually feeling scared, upset, and I don't know how to think or what to do. I love him enough to stay and that I know we have a future, but he can't be OPEN at all, and he is not good at saying how he feels, he just always avoids when it comes to feelings..... Any advice?

[king2005]

Why do you need him to tell you that he loves you on a piece of paper? If you can't tell by his actions then something is wrong.

Sorry, I'm not the marriage type, I don't need a piece of paper to be told how someone feels about me, or how I feel about them.

If you love him & he loves you, then don't push him on this topic, it might break him. I've seen this happen far far far too often. People are in love your years & decades, then the female (in all the cases I've seen its always been the female) pushes the male to marry her.. he gets stressed out & does 1 of a couple of things.

1. Leaves before marriage due to stress.
2. Leaves shortly after the marriage due to stress.

Not all men are able to get married, they aren't wired that way. Seems like you've found that type of man & your just going to have to accept his love as it is & not on a piece of paper.

[Queen of Poop]

He's a guy. Guys aren't real good at the feelings stuff. You're a woman, you feel things differently. As for marriage, right now I cannot really recommend it. It's not worked out well for me twice now and I will never do it again. He's with you, he loves you and you guys are doing great. He's never going to be all mushy and feely, it's not in him. If you can accept that then I think you guys will have an awesome future.

[carole]

I sure can see it from your side though, you want a future with this guy that does include marriage and perhaps children, maybe that is not where he is at just yet, but if you love each other and are happy ,why rock the boat, but on the other hand i guess you dont' want to invest many years in a relationship that is not going where you want it to be.

If you are happy for now, best not push it, and just see how things go,but seriously if he does not want the same things as you, maybe he is not your Mr Right.

[Catty1]

I asked him one simple question about if we were on the same path, on the things we want in life,

If you ask yourself this simple question, do you have an answer? Or, if he asked you, what would you say?

His thoughts and opinions are no more able to make or break the relationship than yours are. It takes two.

You don't have to answer, it's kind of a rhetorical question - but how would YOU answer it?

You've posted a few times in the past, and one of the things that it seems you always mention is that he doesn't say "I love you." If you truly accept that, that will take some pressure off the relationship - especially off him. Suppose you knew he would never say those words to you as long as you both live? What would you do?

HUGS

[CountryWolf07]

If you ask yourself this simple question, do you have an answer? Or, if he asked you, what would you say?

His thoughts and opinions are no more able to make or break the relationship than yours are. It takes two.

You don't have to answer, it's kind of a rhetorical question - but how would YOU answer it?

You've posted a few times in the past, and one of the things that it seems you always mention is that he doesn't say "I love you." If you truly accept that, that will take some pressure off the relationship - especially off him. Suppose you knew he would never say those words to you as long as you both live? What would you do?

HUGS

He has already said it a couple times now, but it doesn't really matter if he says it or not because I've accepted it, really. I know he does, he knows I do, so that part is out of the way.

IF he did ask me that question, I would say, I see myself being married, have a great job, have a kid or two, just a good life, really, basically have something that I'd be proud of and to look back on as I get older. He just says he understands where I am coming from but I think he doesn't really 'get it'.. He just doesn't like to talk about it. I did ask him if he wanted to get married someday, have kids someday, and he said yes. But otherwise, if it was on the topic of "us"... he doesn't really have anything to say but, "I don't know" or "maybe".. otherwise, I decided to drop it for now. I just wish he'd understand how it's a normal topic that comes in a relationship after being together for a period of time.

[Medusa]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too.

[catnapper]

I figure it this way: Can you imagine your life without him? Would you be happy in other ways, or does he define your happiness? If you would be happy other ways, then you have your answer. If you feel he is your happiness, then you need to think of why he is... is it because you put all your hopes and dreams into him, or is it because he truly does make you happy?

I once dated a guy who refused to propose. I couldn't imagine why. I loved him, he loved me. We were so clearly headed in that direction but he was happy just being together. The funny thing was when we broke up EVERYONE expected me to be devastated. Before the breakup I probably would have imagined myself to be devastated. But instead I felt relief! I was free to find someone who really fit with me. It seems that I had unconsciously put hm on a pedestal. But I could see marriage to him sooooo clearly -- he made me laugh. I was so comfortable around him. We had awesome intellectual conversations. Enjoyed all the same music and hobbies. Problem was that it was all surface glitter. Inside, he wasn't what I needed. I needed someone with the capacity to LOVE. to let go of himself and give himself to me. To be vulnerable and honest. To have the same outlook on life.

Am I saying that you should leave? By no means! What I'm saying is that you need to evaluate what is really there.

[anna_66]

Of course it all depends on what you want. Do you have to be married or can you be happy just being with him and knowing he loves you?
If you will always want to be married and he doesn't neither of you will be happy.
Do what's in your heart and what will make YOU happy.

[Taz_Zoee]

Catnapper said exactly what I was going to say. Imagine life without him. If you can handle that then there is your answer.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 7 years now and I've accepted that we will probably never get married and I'm fine with that. Other people around me do not seem to understand and are always asking both of us about it.
He's been married before and she ruined him. Pressured him into marriage and then ended up cheating on him. He feels he is too old to have children (he turned 50 in Feb) so I know that isn't going to ever happen either. I'm happy and can't imagine my life without him so I'm staying right where I am.

I wish you luck in whatever happens.

[Cataholic]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too.

So very true. What is it that YOU want? If it is marriage, a person that freely discusses the most intimate feelings, tells you (and shows you) that he loves you, etc., than I don't think Mike is it. He is essentially telling you that.

I don't buy the "men don't talk", it was how they were brought up, a bad prior relationship, etc., type stuff. You are entitled to (and I suspect freely give of it) love on your terms...and there IS someone out there for you.

Don't stay in a relationship thinking he will change. He won't. Good luck, and I am sorry, cause it is apparent you care for him.

[lvpets2002]

Well so far I have read good advise.. I have been married twice & divorced twice.. I never ever plan on marriage again.. If I am to have a relationship again I will just have a boyfriend to live with or not.. Like others have said you dont need a piece of paper just to state you love each other.. If you are both happy & in love now, then dont stirr the waters.. Stay happy & in love just the way you are now..

[CountryWolf07]

Can I imagine my life without him? No. I actually can't. That's what I was thinking last night. I remember that exact moment when we first met, and I just "knew"... I am happy with where we are, I'm happy enough to know that he loves me, and vice versa. He truly does make me happy, just always puts a smile on my face when he's around. If we did at some point, separate, I would absolutely be devastated.
I just think that after seeing so many people I know, getting engaged and married, it sort of puts me in a position where I'm thinking, "hey, what about me?" - I know it's incredibly silly, but I've always thought to be engaged by now at some point. Especially when I was younger, I used to think, I would probably be at 25.. but anyways, thank you. I am going to follow my grandparents' advice as they always gave me, "What's meant to be, will be."
Thanks for the great advice that everyone gave...

[lvpets2002]

Now you dont want him to ask marriage just because that is what everyone else is doing = Do You?? If he ask of marriage then you want it to be because he wants it of his own doings.. To heck of what everyone else is doing or saying.. Thats like if everyone is jumping off a bridge = then is that what you think you should do too.. Heck No.. Keep the relationship Happy & Loving as it is now..

[Cataholic]

^^ there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married (coming from someone not inclinded to marry). You are allowed to have your own dreams.