I am really sorry that you are having so much difficulty with family. (There are days when I am sure all of us would say our families are crazy )

You are moving in the right direction to establish an adult relationship with your children. It takes time and a lot of work on both sides to change ingrained habits.

But instead of getting expensive presents for the grandkids, maybe think about an education savings plan or bonds (that mature when the kids are of age). Then get the kids a little something for "now".

This way the grandkids will have something when it is time for them to leave home.

It is too bad that this is happening after everything you and your husband have done for your children.