Need some advice please

[Catty1]

I am sorry, pomtzu...I read your post twice but didn't 'see' your meaning. Sorry I jumped on you.

[Queen of Poop]

Good going Mary. You set rules and clearly she isn't willing to abide by your rules. Marigold, perhaps something you want to try with this "friend". Set out your rules for the friendship, similar to Mary's maybe, and see where it goes. Then the ball is back in her court and you needn't feel guilty if she does not maintain the friendship, because then it is her choice.

[Karen]

Another thought - might she be better with an animal friend? Could you convince her to volunteer at a shelter, even in a desk-type position that she could manage with her walker?

Animals can listen to vitriol all day and still will love you, if you love them and are responsible enough to care for them. Maybe an older cat or dog that doesn't require much exercise would help her focus on the present, and now dwell with such bitterness on the past? There's nothing like a cold wet nose or a persistent tapping paw to get one out of bed in the morning ...

[cassiesmom]

At 66 she is still blaming her parents for a rotten childhood, he brothers for being evil and out to get her for money. She never married or had kids.
I just don't think I can do this folks. I can't listen to this same old complaints I heard 21 years ago. ... I just don't think I can take the vile, the poor me, the everyone out to get me, the no one cares about me, I am so alone speech again and again and again. ...
She did do a lot for me in the past but decided to break the friendship six years ago and I never knew why, so I asked and she said "I don't remember". ... I just don't think I can handle all this hate and negitive and trying to always be positive and up and be there for her, she is almost a full time job once she attaches herself to you.
No one should be alone but ,,,,,,,,,,,,, guys I just don't know what to do.

My two cents: Don't go there. Life is too short to be bogged down by someone who you know is going to be a huge strain on you. If she doesn't even remember why she ended your friendship six years ago, I don't think it's worth it you stepping in and trying to help her now. You can't let someone who is full of hatred and negativity sap all your energy.

((((((Marigold2))))),
elyse

[Cataholic]

Marigold- you do seem to struggle with other's appearances. Maybe it comes from working in a plastic surgeon's office? Maybe you think people really ARE what they look like. Dunno.

I think you need to read up a bit on food addiction, compulsive eating disorders, etc. It isn't really as simple as you seem to find it. It really isn't a matter of choosing between looking good/being healthy vs. putting McDonalds or the like into someone's mouth.

Food addiction/compulsive eating has long been recognized as a disease/disorder, not just a "choice".

No, I do not struggle with either, thank goodness. I am not making excuses for myself or anyone else. BUT, I do have a limited understanding of the area, and it isn't as simple or black/white as you make it seem. If it were? 99% of the people that struggled with weight loss wouldn't be struggling with it.

[Marigold2]

Did you read post 11? This has nothing to do with vanity or looks, this has to do with being so incredibly heavy this person could not get up by herself, she got stuck in chairs, broke chairs, could not walk but for a few minutes. The stress on her knees, heart and other vital organs is so great. If she fell down outside and no one was around she could/ would die from the elements.
What I meant by looking at one's self is once you get so heavy that the simpliest things in life become almost impossible will you have the strenght to admit you have a food addiction or do you just go on and eat yourself to death. The same can be said for a drug addict at what point do you look at yourself and say "I am dying and I need help"
This person has major issues and food is just a coverup to hide from the real truth, the question is when is the comfort of the drug (be it food, drugs, drink) no longer a comfort, when do you see the light at what weight do you stop? 700lbs 1000lb when they lift you out by crain is that when you say I have to change?

Marigold- you do seem to struggle with other's appearances. Maybe it comes from working in a plastic surgeon's office? Maybe you think people really ARE what they look like. Dunno.

I think you need to read up a bit on food addiction, compulsive eating disorders, etc. It isn't really as simple as you seem to find it. It really isn't a matter of choosing between looking good/being healthy vs. putting McDonalds or the like into someone's mouth.

Food addiction/compulsive eating has long been recognized as a disease/disorder, not just a "choice".

No, I do not struggle with either, thank goodness. I am not making excuses for myself or anyone else. BUT, I do have a limited understanding of the area, and it isn't as simple or black/white as you make it seem. If it were? 99% of the people that struggled with weight loss wouldn't be struggling with it.

[pomtzu]

I'm confused by the title of this thread - should have read "need some opinions please" - the way I see it anyway.

I really don't see that you were asking for advice, as it appears from your posts and your own answers to the issues, that you already had your mind made up before you posted the first word.

Everything you've said about her is negative - not a kind word at all. What was your friendship based on, because I didn't see anything positive that should have kept you in that "friendship" for as long as it lasted.

[Cataholic]

Marigold- you post all the time about vanity, it is difficult for me to read your OP without keeping in mind how you feel about looks. Sure, I read post number 11, it was, what, the 4th post you made on the topic? The others seemed a bit focused on her looks. Something I know you pride yourself on maintaining.

You sure have a weird assortment of "friends", they bring a lot of drama to the table, and you get right smack dab in the middle of it.

Life is too short (remember your veggie salad advice???), move on.

[pomtzu]

I am sorry, pomtzu...I read your post twice but didn't 'see' your meaning. Sorry I jumped on you.

No problem kiddo! I appreciate that you acknowledged this - not all people would. Very admirable indeed.

And I really wasn't trying to be a smart-a$$. I've decided to turn over a new leaf, as impossible as that may sound........

[kitten645]

Life is too short to choose to surround yourself with miserable people. She made her bed. Harsh but true. You don't want to invite that negativity into your life. Sounds like she hasn't changed. The definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over and expect a different outcome. Cut your loses.

[Asiel]

Life is too short to choose to surround yourself with miserable people. She made her bed. Harsh but true. You don't want to invite that negativity into your life. Sounds like she hasn't changed. The definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over and expect a different outcome. Cut your loses.

I have to agree with that---life is just too stressful for everyone these days so why add more than you can handle.
I have a friend who weighs close to what this woman weighs but just so happens she's one of the nicest people know. She chooses to help others and be fun to be with. Sure, we've heard the comments. Like Mutt and Jeff or Jack Spratt and his wife..just rolls off her back and mine althougjh sometimes I wish I could slam some sense into these people. She has a medical problem that can't be fixed...

[carole]

I am going to agree with Kitten645 and Aisel, i may sound harsh but i would leave well alone, and i would not let her in to my life, obviously nothing about her has changed, and a lot of what is happening to her she brings upon herself, if she is such a negative, unkind person, what can you expect in return? and yes you can be addicted to food, but it is still up to you and you alone to try and do something about it, addictions can be overcome like anything else, with a lot of hard work and committment,and they never go away completely ,but you just have to work hard at keeping it at bay.

I would not think bad of you,if you did not renew this friendship, you have to think of your own well being as well here, negative people can make you so unhappy and cause so much stress in your life, and i speak from experience,to a point where you yourself could become ill from the stress of it all.

It may sound selfish,but sometimes you have to be selfish in order to protect yourself,you may well be taking on much more than you can handle, and it is not like you don't know what she is like.

My advice is to NOT get involved with her again. Take care now.