Opinions needed..............

[Laura's Babies]

Without reading anyone elses post first here is what I'd do..

She know you have health issues and that you do NOT need the stress. Little ones, even as sweet as they are will disrupt your life as it is, then she has a problem also... For my health I would say "NO" in a heartbeat. That would be inviting trouble into your house and setting the stage for you to get worse.

Offer to help her find a place to live and even help her set it up if she needs help but invite her into my home.... NO!

I will tell you this. One of mine ran into a bad situation of their own creation and found themselves homeless with 2 kids and asked if he, his wife and kids could move in with me. I told him "NO" and reminded him the situation he was in was one of his own makings and why should I be burdened with his bad decisions.. HOWEVER.... The kids were innocent in all that so I took the kids in and let the adults fiend for themselves....

[DrKym]

Without reading anyone elses post first here is what I'd do..

She know you have health issues and that you do NOT need the stress. Little ones, even as sweet as they are will disrupt your life as it is, then she has a problem also... For my health I would say "NO" in a heartbeat. That would be inviting trouble into your house and setting the stage for you to get worse.

Offer to help her find a place to live and even help her set it up if she needs help but invite her into my home.... NO!

I will tell you this. One of mine ran into a bad situation of their own creation and found themselves homeless with 2 kids and asked if he, his wife and kids could move in with me. I told him "NO" and reminded him the situation he was in was one of his own makings and why should I be burdened with his bad decisions.. HOWEVER.... The kids were innocent in all that so I took the kids in and let the adults fiend for themselves....

Laura thank you, this is what my heart is telling me to do, and my sister has offered to help with the grands, I just know that if I let Tiff move back in, it isn't going to be pretty.

I really feel awful, but on the other hand I will feel much worse if I allow this.

[applesmom]

she will be coming with no money no job and a sick baby

Wow! There's a lot to be considered! Can she or will she get a job making enough to support herself and her babies? Who's going to watch the babies if she does get a job?

Not knowing what her job possibilities are makes it difficult to even offer a suggestion. If she is willing and able to support herself and her children if she remains where she is, then it might be best for her to stay there until she can afford to move into her own place if she decides to come home at a later date.

Sometimes it's better to let them figure things out on their own as long as they aren't in danger of going hungry or faced with the children being homeless. Another consideration is that she probably won't be eligable for any welfare programs to help pull herself up if she's living with her parents.

I recently went through something similar with my granddaughter. Instead of letting her and her husband and 4 year old move in with me, I encouraged them to figure it out on their own. They're much better off for having pulled themselves up on their own with the aid of tons of moral support and a minimum of financial support.

Aside from the stress and wear and tear on my health there would have been another danger too if they'd moved in with me. Her husband is a stay at home dad and even though I truly do love him; he and I would have been in danger of killing each other living that close.

[DrKym]

I am thinking that the advice here is sound. It seems to reinforce what I am thinking anyway. Still good to hear all views and to make a decision based on many experiences not just my own.

BTW her skills are as a waitress, as for babysitting, I am certain she thinks I will do it. As she stated I do have kids here already, and some aren't even blood. (Jaspers kids live with us 6 months of a year and they are 9-14)

[Marigold2]

I am so sorry to hear of your hardships. It isn't easy being a mom. I always have to laugh to myself when these young girls are so happy to be pregnant, they have no idea that once a mom, always a mom.

My best advice is to try and make her as self sufficant as possible. They are her kids not yours. She decided to have them and she needs to find a way to take care of them. You did your job they are over 18 you are done and now have to think about yourself. After all who will be there to take care of you?

I made it clear to all three of my kids that if they have children they will raise them. I now have my own life I have been a mom for 29 years and spoiled all the kids. They have had their schooling and they have had love, support, advice, now they need to be adults and take care of themselves.

My daughter sounds a lot like yours. The more I do for her the meaner and nastier she becomes and the more she expects. Time to her to be on her own and see how the real world works.

Best of luck to you. I know it's hard to think of yourself but honesty your kids won't so you have to.

[wombat2u2004]

Hi Doc,
Not real sure if I can be of help here, as I'm a foreigner, and I'm sure our "system" here in Australia is a bit different....but I'm going to try and give it my best shot.
What sort of safety nets has the government over there provided for situations such as this ???? Has she any right to public housing ??? And if so, can that housing be provided within a reasonable travelling distance .....
a) to you (so that you may assist your daughter when YOU feel able)
b) to her her ex hubby (who must have some sort of access rights.)
I would think, that your daughter must have some recourse to Government assistance because she has a child with a disability. And because of this, she may able to receive some sort of government monetary assistance whilst trying to get a job to work part-time so that she may eventually become more independent. There are schemes going that help people in situations like your daughter, there are here, I'm sure there must be in the US to.
I would agree with what the other PT'ers here have written..... in that you should speak to your daughter about your own health issues, and whilst not trying to be of an "I don't want you here" opinion, be more like a "I'm mom, and I'm here to help, but my health isn't too crash hot at the moment" opinion. I'm mean you may also have to spell it out to her....like the fact that she left home as a child into that big bad world out there, had kids, taken on all the responsibility of life that she thought she could handle, and has now figured out that life isn't as easy as she thought , and it's time to come home to mom and dad......that this is not on !!!!!
Whilst I do feel sorry for her and this situation that she is in.....I do feel that she should at least TRY and get on now with her own life the best way she can, like pick up the pieces all by herself. I know this may sound a little harsh Doc, but it isn't impossible, even with a disabled child, given that some sort of support is available thru the Government. And then, you can just help out when you feel you're ok to do that, and health permits.
That's my thoughts on the matter mate.
Wom

[Marigold2]

Great advice Wombat.

[Karen]

I will echo the others, especially after you said that you never hear from her unless she needs something. If she's been working on the divorce for a while now, she should also have been working on the "what next" plan. If it didn't please her to be living with you when she was 17, it's not going to be any easier now.

My siblings and I were informed - even before we were even of child-bearing age - that my mother was NOT going to be a "babysitting grandmother." Just because you are a grandmother, that doesn't mean you have to agree to let them all live with you!

We were also raised knowing "You make your bed, you lie in it." As in, we'll always love you, but don't expect us to bail you out of messes you make.

If your daughter doesn't know these things by now, well, it's never too late to learn 'em!

[kimlovescats]

Sweetheart, don't let her come! She is a grown woman now and how dare her be so selfish as to even ASK when you are having such health problems right now! I know you are concerned for her babies, and you should be, but even still she is their mother, not you!

HUGS,
Kim

[KitCat]

You have to put your own health and wellbeing first.