Wedding Dilemma- What Would You Do?

Hello Wonderful PT! I know I have been absent for many months, but I have what I believe to be a pretty large dilemma and I know I can count on the good members of PT for solid advice and feedback. I am getting married next September, planning is well under way and we already have a TON of stuff figured out, BUT there is one thing that is really stressing me out and I don't know how to handle it. It's my (future) sister-in-law. :mad: We do not have a relationship of any sort, for the 7 years that I have been dating her brother we have never interacted aside from small family functions (she usually pretends I am not in the room) and she seems to resent me for some reason. I always feel very uneasy around her and I rarely say a thing to her anymore, in the past I always tried to have a conversation with her to break the ice, not anymore. I have been trying to figure out the reason why she resents me for a long time but I cannot figure it out, Josh does not seem to know why either. The one time I did hang out with her, we went to a Rascal Flatts/Taylor Swift concert and it was incredibly awkward -- she barely talked to me and played on her phone almost the entire time. When Josh proposed in July she never said a word to me after the big news was announced, she never said congratulations, asked to see the ring, or any other normal reactions most happy people would have. It has been 3 months now and I still have not heard a word from her.

Of course, Josh wants his sister to stand up in the wedding - which I completely understand- however I cannot cope with the idea of her standing up in the wedding; ruining my big day by stressing me out. I do not want her involved in any aspects of it. I have cried a lot over this ordeal because I feel really bad for Josh, I feel bad that I don't have a better relationship with her, but in the end I feel I cannot let her get in the way and destroy the one day I have looked forward to the most since I was a little girl. Recently, after a serious conversation Josh has agreed that she should not stand up in the wedding, but now I have to worry about the reaction I get when his mom and sister find out this news. Lord Almighty, save me now.

I guess I would just like to know what you would do in this situation? Do you feel my decision is justified or fair? I have never been faced with this dilemma so I have no clue what to do, my anxiety is through the roof. Thanks PT for letting me vent a little bit. :love:

Maybe you should set up a time to meet her for lunch and talk with her about why she seems to resent you, etc. There is plenty of time between now and next September to work things out, and if you still don't get friendly with her, ask her if she would be willing to do a reading or something, rather being a bridesmaid, that way she can be a part of her brother's big day, but not have to hang around with you very much.

Are you even sure she wants to stand up for you?

But it seems to me that Josh should take responsibility for the situation - it is his sister. He should ask her what her issue is with you and why she behaves the way she does.

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Originally Posted by Karen

Maybe you should set up a time to meet her for lunch and talk with her about why she seems to resent you, etc. There is plenty of time between now and next September to work things out, and if you still don't get friendly with her, ask her if she would be willing to do a reading or something, rather being a bridesmaid, that way she can be a part of her brother's big day, but not have to hang around with you very much.

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This is the "logical" thing to do, but I will speak with experience...

First and foremost, this is YOUR big day. Not to say this isn't your future hubby's big day, either, but guy's usually don't get "into" the wedding planning and effort or dream about their wedding day as much as us gals do. That having been said, you need to do what makes YOU happy. If not having her as a bridesmaid is going to cause a lot of tension between you and your fiance, then fine, do it. But most bridesmaids are happy to be a part of the entire wedding planning process, something she won't seem to want to do.

When I was married, my sister in law and I did NOT have a good relationship, either. In fact, she wasn't even on speaking terms with any of her parents or siblings throughout the planning. His other sister I did have a good relationship with and she WAS one of my bridesmaids, but this one I did not even invite to the wedding (she showed up, anyway).

I guess the most important thing here is, bottom line - communication. Communication of thoughts and feelings between you and your fiance, and communication between your future SIL and yourself. If she won't even attempt to sit down and have a civil conversation with you about why she has acted the way she has to you, then, in my honest opinion, she has no right to be an intimate part of your wedding day.

Can Josh talk to her and find out what the big deal is? I don't know if their parents are still living, but if it's been any kind of the two of them 'against the world' sort of thing, she might be afraid and very jealous.

May you and Josh can both sit down with her. She might try to ignore you or be 'too busy for lunch', but she can't ignore her brother. I rather think it is her family's job to help with this.

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Originally Posted by Edwina's Secretary

Are you even sure she wants to stand up for you?

But it seems to me that Josh should take responsibility for the situation - it is his sister. He should ask her what her issue is with you and why she behaves the way she does.

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Good point! I am secretly hoping she doesn't really want to, but I would have to imagine for the sake of her brother that she would. Josh avoids confrontation at all costs, so getting him to step up to the plate and sit down with his sister most likely would never happen unless I really got on his butt about it -- but I won't.

I am presuming Josh's sister is an adult, squarely over the age of 21, and under no mental disability when I make these comments.

First and foremost- Josh needs to develop some maturity and deal with his sister. If he is willing to let someone that is so close to him treat the woman he is about to marry like she does, there is a problem. It is about respect and boundaries. He is ignoring both of these. Josh is basically saying to his sister, "hey, I am totally cool with you treating my soon to be wife like crap, and making her feel uncomfortable". I can't imagine any of my four brothers allowing me to treat their wives like this woman does to you. I wouldn't be invited anywhere, let alone to be a member of the bridal party. And the thing is? Even if I wanted to, which I wouldn't, I wouldn't treat someone like that not because I might not WANT to, but because of my love and respect for my brother. There is a problem, for sure, between Josh and his sister, for something like this to be going on.

Next, if his sister isn't nice to you, then stop being nice to her. Stop trying. Stop making excuses for her. Family or not- "good" people don't treat others like this. Stop allowing it. She should not be in your wedding, and to think you entertained such an idea is absurd. She is crapping on you. Treating you with NO respect. Please- respect yourself. People treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. You may be surprised by standing up for yourself and showing her you respect yourself, she just might start to.

AS far as having a sit down with her, seriously? Cause you think she doesn't know she is crapping on you? Because you think she doesn't know how wrong and immature it is? Why ever would you want to go there? You know it is wrong, and she knows it is wrong.

Heck of a way to start your life together. :(

Simple. Don't include her. Don't try to be 'friends' with her', it's obvious the line is drawn and has been already for a long time. If she did try to have a relationship with you, she would've done it in the beginning. Easy as that. It's YOUR big day. Don't stress yourself out!

I'm probably in the minority here, but it's Josh's wedding day too. Yeah, I know he probably hasn't dreamed about it like girls do, but it's still an important day for him also.

If he wants her there, she should be there. If she doesn't want to be there, problem solved. If you guys are old enough to get married, you're old enough to work this out. You guys don't have to be best friends but Josh will be a lot happier if you guys get along. You both must have something in common if you both love Josh and he loves both of you.

Lisa i am with you 100 per cent on this one, yes it is a day of importance to him as well, and naturally he will want his sister to be there, i have nothing to add really, just what Lisa has already said.

I say that Josh needs to handle all the problems with HIS sister. If he thinks she need not be involved with the wedding then he should tell anyone asking, why she is not part of the wedding party. He should also take your feelings into consideration before his sister's. Sounds as though his sister is a pill!

Good luck. Let us know how it works out!

And, congratulations on your wedding coming up. I hope all runs smoothly and you have a wonderful day. Don't let just one person ruin it for you all. Let her sit outside the main event and stew in her own juices. She seems to thrive on it.:rolleyes:

Again, have a wonderful day!:cool:

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Originally Posted by kuhio98

I'm probably in the minority here, but it's Josh's wedding day too. Yeah, I know he probably hasn't dreamed about it like girls do, but it's still an important day for him also.

If he wants her there, she should be there. If she doesn't want to be there, problem solved. If you guys are old enough to get married, you're old enough to work this out. You guys don't have to be best friends but Josh will be a lot happier if you guys get along. You both must have something in common if you both love Josh and he loves both of you.

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I believe it IS both people's day. It should be a wonderous day, full of love. However, to allow anyone to attend a wedding that treats the bride to be so shabbily is really pretty insulting to the bride, isn't it?

The bride to be here isn't the problem. She has gone out of her way to be polite, friendly, and accommodating. It isn't as if they just aren't close to one another. Josh's sister is rude, disrespectful and hurtful to Josh's soon to be wife. "Josh will be a lot happier if you guys get along" suggest there is something the bride to be can do to alter the facts- Josh's sister is not a nice person. :(

I think it awful that Josh puts his soon to be wife in this position.

That is one thing I agree on,josh does need to sort this out,why do you think she treats you this way,if it were me I would have it out with her,and get to the bottom of the problem ,and yes you should not let one person ruin your special day,is there more to the story,are you telling us everything,don't mean to sound rude,but I am puzzled that a person could be so hateful,if it is jealousy,or simply she does not like you,then she needs to get over it and move on,and josh needs to support you on this,it is very immature behavior on her part,hope you can get it sorted,and your day is everything you want it to be

I'll make this short and sweet, this is your day and no one should be allowed to ruin it. Even if she was allowed to be in the wedding, she could still be your enemy afterwards. Don't let her ruin your wedding and your life. She is not worth it and if Josh cannot be the man, he's not worth it either.

You need to get this worked out with her somehow. However, my feeling is that if she doesn't want to interact with you and be friends, it's her loss! Don't stress about the fact that she acts this way. If hubby wants her in the wedding, include her but don't let her ruin your day.

When I was young I was very shy and timid. I'm over 50 now, divorced and been through a lot of family situations. I would come right out and ask her. Why not? What will it hurt? Tell her if she is going to be in the wedding she needs to at least be nice during that period.

What about the rest of his family? Do his parents like you? Does he have other siblings? How does this woman act around other people?

There is more to this story...

Elope. :)

My suggestion: invite her to the wedding as a guest, but not to be included in the wedding party.

My now DIL and my son had an issue when planning their wedding (2nd for both of them). DIL had no relationship for years with her father and step-mother and was adamant that they would not be invited. She despised her step-mother and did not want to be anywhere near her. Finally DIL's mother convinced her that she really should invite them as guests - afterall - it was her natural father and some day she might regret that she didn't extend the olive branch! As much as she didn't want to invite them, she finally relented and invited them, fully expecting that they would be a no show. Well, they did show. Everyone was civil to one another, and everything went off without a hitch, and a good time was had by all. Father and step-mother were guests only and sat with other guests and not at the head table, which worked out just fine.

This gesture did not lead to a renewed relationship tho, and several months later when DIL and son went to her father's place after a fire at the home - to see if they could be of any help - the wicked step-mother went ballistic on them and kicked them off the property. End of any relationship, and that was almost 6 years ago.

But at least DIL did the right thing by inviting them. No one can say she didn't try.


So good luck, and keep us posted as plans progress.

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Originally Posted by pomtzu

My suggestion: invite her to the wedding as a guest, but not to be included in the wedding party.

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Yes, as much as I wouldn't want her in my wedding PARTY, there are many reasons to invite her as a guest.

I'm not married, but have a friend that just went through a lot of family drama concerning her wedding. Finally, after over a year of stressing out about all of it, she just notified people that the ceremony would be on this day at this time and they would love for everyone to be there. And if you don't show up, that's fine too. She wasn't going to stress about people in the family not getting along. It was HER day. Although, she did not invite her step-mother. She was adamant about that. Her father came without her. Her wedding was amazing!!

Anyway, my point is, do what makes you and Josh happy. There's got to be some kind of compromise you can come to regarding his sister. I'd do as others suggested......invite her to the wedding (of course) but not have her in the party. If she doesn't "like" you then I can't see her being very shocked about not being included.

yes, do what makes you guys happy. Josh has accepted that she should not be in the wedding party so just leave it at that. A big confrontation isn't going to help anything and will only make things worse and more tense on the actual day.

If she makes a stink about it and wants to know why she isn't in the wedding party just ask her if she is really surprised that she wasn't invited to be in the wedding. Just say something like "well, you can't seem to tolerate being around me or talking to me so I figured it was a safe bet to assume you wouldn't want to stand up for me in the wedding. am I mistaken on that?" lol.

So I just wouldn't even mention anything unless she brings it up. Just go on with the wedding planning the way you want it. there doesn't need to be a big announcement to her or to his parents that she is not being asked. When she gets no info from you about what she needs to do or wear... she'll get the point or she'll ask and when she does you can direct her to the above comment.

I also agree with ELOPE LOL. I can't understand why women do this to themselves :p So much stress. Take off, get married, tell everyone after and organize a big party to celebrate with everyone :)

Well here's a question that will solve the problem pretty quick -- does she even want to be in the wedding??

If not, problem solved :D

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Originally Posted by happylabs

What about the rest of his family? Do his parents like you? Does he have other siblings? How does this woman act around other people?

There is more to this story...

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His parents are divorced and his mom re-married a few years ago and his dad never remarried or dated after the divorce. He does not have any other siblings, just his sister who is about to turn 26 and is younger than him. She has been in and out of relationships for the 7 years Josh and I have been dating, but she recently has settled in a relationship with a really nice guy! I am hoping it works out for her, she seems really happy with him. I have only witnessed her interacting with non-family a few times and she treated those people the same way she does me. Josh played co-ed softball this past summer and she played one night then joined us and the rest of the team at the bar afterwards for drinks and bingo. While there she paid no attention to anyone, made no effort to communicate or join in a conversation, played with her phone the entire time, and had a very sour look on her face. My friend's wife even asked me "what's her problem? Is she always like this?" A few of Josh's friends (male and female) have expressed their feelings to me about her and they do not care for her either.

I have pretty much given up on trying to fix the relationship or communicate with her, I just feel so darn awkward and uncomfortable around her!! Normally, I would never hold back my feelings- I am actually a very confrontational person, but for some reason I buckle and act the exact opposite when it comes to her. I have no idea what I would even try to talk to her about she doesn't seem interested in anything. I used to always suggest to her that we should go to the mall and go shopping, she seemed interested when I mentioned it, but we never ended up making plans. She was over at our house on Saturday and never even said hello to me when she walked in the door, she never made eye contact with me, and she literally acted as if I was not in the room. I was very sick that day and wrapped up in a blanket on the couch- I avoided confrontation, if I was feeling better I probably would have made a rude remark to her, but I just ignored her behavior.

I honestly have NO IDEA what I did or said in the past to make her treat me like this. I have pondered this over the years, trying to think of an explanation, and I come up empty. I think that is what bothers me the most -- not knowing.

Thanks everyone for the advise, I really appreciate your insight!

I wonder if she is an undiagnosed Asperger's patient, if she is like that with most people, and in any group. Or she may have social anxiety that makes her shut everyone out ... But she could just be rude! No way of knowing without clinical help, which you are not obliged to obtain!

I just had friends as bridesmaids...I have a sister and two sister-in-laws...I suppose I should have asked them first. But to be honest I am closer with my friends, maybe that makes me a jerk but that's what I chose. Certainly everyone was invited, I didn't really say anything about it to anyone, I just asked my friends to be my bridesmaids. When I made this decision I honestly wasn't even thinking about it I just went straight to my friends I realized later that family was probably offended. Maybe my sister and sister-in-laws all secretly hate me, I don't know - I hate being a bridesmaid so I'd be happier if not asked lol. They all have kids too which would have made it hard for them. I didn't have a maid of honor, Corby did not have a best man or groomsmen. He didn't want them and that's his choice. It was our wedding we did it as we wanted, that's pretty much it. I could never not have family AT the wedding, so if I were you I'd definitely invite her. You could always just not have bridesmaids. I have a brother-in-law who does not like me very much and he likes to go out of his way to say hurtful things to me at times. It can be a struggle....but I love my husband and I love his family it is worth it, but I understand the frustration you are going through. Also I personally am very quiet, socially awkward, I'm not good at talking to people in general and especially in groups. I have had a lot of people think I was rude/snobby/etc. when that is not at all how I'm trying to be. I am not saying this is the case with her but there is a possibility that some of it is she just doesn't know how to interact with you. Outside of immediate family, close friends, and co-workers, I'm terrible at talking to anyone even family members like cousins/aunts/uncles or other people I have known for years. Well I seem to be able to talk to customers just fine I'm better at talking to complete strangers than people I know ha ha it doesn't make much sense.

I had a similar situation when I was getting married and I told my hubby "Ok, she can stand on your side if it's that important to you!" He opted not to include her as part of the wedding party, but if he had I would have been fine with her being one of HIS attendants.

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Originally Posted by Karen

I wonder if she is an undiagnosed Asperger's patient, if she is like that with most people, and in any group. Or she may have social anxiety that makes her shut everyone out ... But she could just be rude! No way of knowing without clinical help, which you are not obliged to obtain!

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Interesting I was wondering the same thing.

If she is like that with everyone then it is NOTHING you did. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it. Go on with Josh and live your life.

As Karen suggested, she may be displaying symptoms, not nastiness.

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the...-in-adults.htm

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Impaired social reactions are a key component of Asperger's syndrome. People who suffer from this condition find it difficult to develop meaningful relationships with their peers. They struggle to understand the subtleties of communicating through eye contact, body language, or facial expressions and seldom show affection towards others. They are often accused of being disrespectful and rude, since they find they can’t comprehend expectations of appropriate social behavior and are often unable to determine the feelings of those around them. People suffering from Asperger's syndrome can be said to lack both social and emotional reciprocity. Although Asperger's syndrome is related to autism, people who suffer from this condition do not have other developmental delays. They have normal to above average intelligence and fail to meet the diagnostic criteria for any other pervasive developmental disorder. In fact, people with Asperger's syndrome often show intense focus, highly logical thinking, and exceptional abilities in math or science.
There is no cure for Asperger's syndrome, but cognitive behavioral therapy, specialized speech therapy and counseling can help alleviate many of the condition’s more troubling symptoms. If they learn to develop the appropriate coping mechanisms, people with Asperger's syndrome are quite capable of getting married, having children, becoming gainfully employed, and leading independent lives.

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She is 26 years old. Wouldn't someone- other than the poster- have noticed this before? Wouldn't Josh have said- at some point- "listen, she has been like this forever, there is nothing you did or didn't do....".

Me thinks we spend WAY too much time excusing people's behaviors and not nearly enough time addressing them. Not everyone has a medical or psychological condition. Some people are just jerks.:rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

She is 26 years old. Wouldn't someone- other than the poster- have noticed this before? Wouldn't Josh have said- at some point- "listen, she has been like this forever, there is nothing you did or didn't do....".

Me thinks we spend WAY too much time excusing people's behaviors and not nearly enough time addressing them. Not everyone has a medical or psychological condition. Some people are just jerks.:rolleyes:

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I never said she should be excused for this behavior! I was just asking a question.

I just know some Asperger's people who have been diagnosed rather later in life, one in his forties, that explained why he had such difficulty with people - getting nasty and snapping was his coping mechanism - and it worked well at keeping people away!

My neice didn't get diagnosed until she was 24 after both her parents died and I realized her behavior wasn't just rudeness it had to be more. Sometimes folks don't see the forest for the trees when they are too close. I still have a hard time with her and don't excuse her behavior.

No, her behaviour cannot be excused. However, if she is made aware of this and still refuses to get it checked, then there are definitely no excuses!

If she could read a list of the symptoms on her own, then a light might go off.

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Originally Posted by caseysmom

My neice didn't get diagnosed until she was 24 after both her parents died and I realized her behavior wasn't just rudeness it had to be more. Sometimes folks don't see the forest for the trees when they are too close. I still have a hard time with her and don't excuse her behavior.

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This

A friends husband was just diagnosed with aspergers and he is in his late 30's. No, not everything is a mental illness or a diagnosis... but sometimes it is.

I am in the minority. At near 47 years of age, I have never met someone with an undiagnosed or unknown mental illness after about the age of 5. To me, most of that is pretty obvious. Most. Pretty. And, by met, I mean had more than a passing acquaintance with. Sure, I do know people that we say, usually not directly to their face, "they struggle with social situations", but never like the OP puts out there.

I have met more than my fair share of people that are jerks. Big, fat jerks. That can't say a simple hello, or exchange a pleasantry, that people walk on eggshells around. Unless and until they are ready to engage. I guess they all could have an undiagnosed mental illness...but I just don't think so. Possible? Sure, probable? Unlikely.

Sparks- were you aware that something was 'off' with your friend's husband?

I wasn't diagnosed as bipolar until I was well into my 20s. Once I told people I was, half a dozen or so people answered with some version of "Oh yeah, I should have guessed, you totally ARE bipolar!!" -_-

Some people are definitely just jerks, and some people really do need some help.

I'd elope. :p;)

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

I am in the minority. At near 47 years of age, I have never met someone with an undiagnosed or unknown mental illness after about the age of 5. To me, most of that is pretty obvious. Most. Pretty. And, by met, I mean had more than a passing acquaintance with. Sure, I do know people that we say, usually not directly to their face, "they struggle with social situations", but never like the OP puts out there.

I have met more than my fair share of people that are jerks. Big, fat jerks. That can't say a simple hello, or exchange a pleasantry, that people walk on eggshells around. Unless and until they are ready to engage. I guess they all could have an undiagnosed mental illness...but I just don't think so. Possible? Sure, probable? Unlikely.

Sparks- were you aware that something was 'off' with your friend's husband?

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I've actually not really spent much time with him. They don't live near us and I moved away before they were married.

But he's not of the "jerk" variety... just sort of socially awkward and has difficulty understanding certain things and situations like he just can't process it "normally". His parents are also not of the "involved" variety so it may have been evident in him as a child but it's entirely possible they just didn't care or didn't notice or thought he was just a pain.

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Originally Posted by snakemama

I wasn't diagnosed as bipolar until I was well into my 20s. Once I told people I was, half a dozen or so people answered with some version of "Oh yeah, I should have guessed, you totally ARE bipolar!!" -_-

Some people are definitely just jerks, and some people really do need some help.

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My niece is the same. She was just diagnosed recently with Bi Polar disorder. When she's on her meds she's on a pretty even keel but when she decides she doesn't need them anymore and gets off of them... OY VEY. there were definitely signs and now that she has the diagnosis it seems so obvious but a lot of times we just chalked it up to problem child, moody teenager, and just being a witch.

I really suspect my sister has it, too. Everyone has mood swings but these kind of mood swings are NOT normal and it goes way beyond just being a jerk. she can go from happy go lucky laughing to "I hate you and want to ruin your life" sort of rage within seconds. she's 40 now.