Wedding Dilemma- What Would You Do?

[Catty1]

Elope.

[pomtzu]

My suggestion: invite her to the wedding as a guest, but not to be included in the wedding party.

My now DIL and my son had an issue when planning their wedding (2nd for both of them). DIL had no relationship for years with her father and step-mother and was adamant that they would not be invited. She despised her step-mother and did not want to be anywhere near her. Finally DIL's mother convinced her that she really should invite them as guests - afterall - it was her natural father and some day she might regret that she didn't extend the olive branch! As much as she didn't want to invite them, she finally relented and invited them, fully expecting that they would be a no show. Well, they did show. Everyone was civil to one another, and everything went off without a hitch, and a good time was had by all. Father and step-mother were guests only and sat with other guests and not at the head table, which worked out just fine.

This gesture did not lead to a renewed relationship tho, and several months later when DIL and son went to her father's place after a fire at the home - to see if they could be of any help - the wicked step-mother went ballistic on them and kicked them off the property. End of any relationship, and that was almost 6 years ago.

But at least DIL did the right thing by inviting them. No one can say she didn't try.


So good luck, and keep us posted as plans progress.

[Cataholic]

My suggestion: invite her to the wedding as a guest, but not to be included in the wedding party.

Yes, as much as I wouldn't want her in my wedding PARTY, there are many reasons to invite her as a guest.

[Taz_Zoee]

I'm not married, but have a friend that just went through a lot of family drama concerning her wedding. Finally, after over a year of stressing out about all of it, she just notified people that the ceremony would be on this day at this time and they would love for everyone to be there. And if you don't show up, that's fine too. She wasn't going to stress about people in the family not getting along. It was HER day. Although, she did not invite her step-mother. She was adamant about that. Her father came without her. Her wedding was amazing!!

Anyway, my point is, do what makes you and Josh happy. There's got to be some kind of compromise you can come to regarding his sister. I'd do as others suggested......invite her to the wedding (of course) but not have her in the party. If she doesn't "like" you then I can't see her being very shocked about not being included.

[sparks19]

yes, do what makes you guys happy. Josh has accepted that she should not be in the wedding party so just leave it at that. A big confrontation isn't going to help anything and will only make things worse and more tense on the actual day.

If she makes a stink about it and wants to know why she isn't in the wedding party just ask her if she is really surprised that she wasn't invited to be in the wedding. Just say something like "well, you can't seem to tolerate being around me or talking to me so I figured it was a safe bet to assume you wouldn't want to stand up for me in the wedding. am I mistaken on that?" lol.

So I just wouldn't even mention anything unless she brings it up. Just go on with the wedding planning the way you want it. there doesn't need to be a big announcement to her or to his parents that she is not being asked. When she gets no info from you about what she needs to do or wear... she'll get the point or she'll ask and when she does you can direct her to the above comment.

I also agree with ELOPE LOL. I can't understand why women do this to themselves So much stress. Take off, get married, tell everyone after and organize a big party to celebrate with everyone

[Jessika]

Well here's a question that will solve the problem pretty quick -- does she even want to be in the wedding??

If not, problem solved

[Desert Arabian]

What about the rest of his family? Do his parents like you? Does he have other siblings? How does this woman act around other people?

There is more to this story...

His parents are divorced and his mom re-married a few years ago and his dad never remarried or dated after the divorce. He does not have any other siblings, just his sister who is about to turn 26 and is younger than him. She has been in and out of relationships for the 7 years Josh and I have been dating, but she recently has settled in a relationship with a really nice guy! I am hoping it works out for her, she seems really happy with him. I have only witnessed her interacting with non-family a few times and she treated those people the same way she does me. Josh played co-ed softball this past summer and she played one night then joined us and the rest of the team at the bar afterwards for drinks and bingo. While there she paid no attention to anyone, made no effort to communicate or join in a conversation, played with her phone the entire time, and had a very sour look on her face. My friend's wife even asked me "what's her problem? Is she always like this?" A few of Josh's friends (male and female) have expressed their feelings to me about her and they do not care for her either.

I have pretty much given up on trying to fix the relationship or communicate with her, I just feel so darn awkward and uncomfortable around her!! Normally, I would never hold back my feelings- I am actually a very confrontational person, but for some reason I buckle and act the exact opposite when it comes to her. I have no idea what I would even try to talk to her about she doesn't seem interested in anything. I used to always suggest to her that we should go to the mall and go shopping, she seemed interested when I mentioned it, but we never ended up making plans. She was over at our house on Saturday and never even said hello to me when she walked in the door, she never made eye contact with me, and she literally acted as if I was not in the room. I was very sick that day and wrapped up in a blanket on the couch- I avoided confrontation, if I was feeling better I probably would have made a rude remark to her, but I just ignored her behavior.

I honestly have NO IDEA what I did or said in the past to make her treat me like this. I have pondered this over the years, trying to think of an explanation, and I come up empty. I think that is what bothers me the most -- not knowing.

Thanks everyone for the advise, I really appreciate your insight!

[Karen]

I wonder if she is an undiagnosed Asperger's patient, if she is like that with most people, and in any group. Or she may have social anxiety that makes her shut everyone out ... But she could just be rude! No way of knowing without clinical help, which you are not obliged to obtain!

[wolf_Q]

I just had friends as bridesmaids...I have a sister and two sister-in-laws...I suppose I should have asked them first. But to be honest I am closer with my friends, maybe that makes me a jerk but that's what I chose. Certainly everyone was invited, I didn't really say anything about it to anyone, I just asked my friends to be my bridesmaids. When I made this decision I honestly wasn't even thinking about it I just went straight to my friends I realized later that family was probably offended. Maybe my sister and sister-in-laws all secretly hate me, I don't know - I hate being a bridesmaid so I'd be happier if not asked lol. They all have kids too which would have made it hard for them. I didn't have a maid of honor, Corby did not have a best man or groomsmen. He didn't want them and that's his choice. It was our wedding we did it as we wanted, that's pretty much it. I could never not have family AT the wedding, so if I were you I'd definitely invite her. You could always just not have bridesmaids. I have a brother-in-law who does not like me very much and he likes to go out of his way to say hurtful things to me at times. It can be a struggle....but I love my husband and I love his family it is worth it, but I understand the frustration you are going through. Also I personally am very quiet, socially awkward, I'm not good at talking to people in general and especially in groups. I have had a lot of people think I was rude/snobby/etc. when that is not at all how I'm trying to be. I am not saying this is the case with her but there is a possibility that some of it is she just doesn't know how to interact with you. Outside of immediate family, close friends, and co-workers, I'm terrible at talking to anyone even family members like cousins/aunts/uncles or other people I have known for years. Well I seem to be able to talk to customers just fine I'm better at talking to complete strangers than people I know ha ha it doesn't make much sense.

[snakemama]

I had a similar situation when I was getting married and I told my hubby "Ok, she can stand on your side if it's that important to you!" He opted not to include her as part of the wedding party, but if he had I would have been fine with her being one of HIS attendants.

[caseysmom]

I wonder if she is an undiagnosed Asperger's patient, if she is like that with most people, and in any group. Or she may have social anxiety that makes her shut everyone out ... But she could just be rude! No way of knowing without clinical help, which you are not obliged to obtain!

Interesting I was wondering the same thing.

[Catty1]

If she is like that with everyone then it is NOTHING you did. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it. Go on with Josh and live your life.

As Karen suggested, she may be displaying symptoms, not nastiness.

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the...-in-adults.htm

Impaired social reactions are a key component of Asperger's syndrome. People who suffer from this condition find it difficult to develop meaningful relationships with their peers. They struggle to understand the subtleties of communicating through eye contact, body language, or facial expressions and seldom show affection towards others. They are often accused of being disrespectful and rude, since they find they can’t comprehend expectations of appropriate social behavior and are often unable to determine the feelings of those around them. People suffering from Asperger's syndrome can be said to lack both social and emotional reciprocity. Although Asperger's syndrome is related to autism, people who suffer from this condition do not have other developmental delays. They have normal to above average intelligence and fail to meet the diagnostic criteria for any other pervasive developmental disorder. In fact, people with Asperger's syndrome often show intense focus, highly logical thinking, and exceptional abilities in math or science.
There is no cure for Asperger's syndrome, but cognitive behavioral therapy, specialized speech therapy and counseling can help alleviate many of the condition’s more troubling symptoms. If they learn to develop the appropriate coping mechanisms, people with Asperger's syndrome are quite capable of getting married, having children, becoming gainfully employed, and leading independent lives.

[Cataholic]

She is 26 years old. Wouldn't someone- other than the poster- have noticed this before? Wouldn't Josh have said- at some point- "listen, she has been like this forever, there is nothing you did or didn't do....".

Me thinks we spend WAY too much time excusing people's behaviors and not nearly enough time addressing them. Not everyone has a medical or psychological condition. Some people are just jerks.

[Karen]

She is 26 years old. Wouldn't someone- other than the poster- have noticed this before? Wouldn't Josh have said- at some point- "listen, she has been like this forever, there is nothing you did or didn't do....".

Me thinks we spend WAY too much time excusing people's behaviors and not nearly enough time addressing them. Not everyone has a medical or psychological condition. Some people are just jerks.

I never said she should be excused for this behavior! I was just asking a question.

I just know some Asperger's people who have been diagnosed rather later in life, one in his forties, that explained why he had such difficulty with people - getting nasty and snapping was his coping mechanism - and it worked well at keeping people away!

[caseysmom]

My neice didn't get diagnosed until she was 24 after both her parents died and I realized her behavior wasn't just rudeness it had to be more. Sometimes folks don't see the forest for the trees when they are too close. I still have a hard time with her and don't excuse her behavior.