Just want to complain

[Tonya]

I've let a childhood friend of mine and her five year old daughter move in with us. Her entire life and every decision she's ever made has been drama. She's never kept a job or had a half decent boyfriend/husband. She's been living with this guy the past year that's been cheating on her, beating on her, and not working. She gets money from social security because her last husband commited suicide. Anyways, I got tired of all the drama and thought perhaps I could help. Once she said she was leaving the boyfriend once and for all, I told her if she was 110% sure she could live here. I told her we wouldn't ask for a dime from her and we would do all we could to get her on her feet. She was so thankful and said she would clean house and blah blah blah. I told her that I wanted her to just focus on getting her life back together. I said I only have four requests: 1) You do not have anything to do with your ex while under my roof. 2) The dog doesn't come here. (Long story.) 3) The cat doesn't leave the bathroom until it is litter box trained. "Oh, don't worry, the cat's pee dries on the carpet and you can't even see it! I was never able to afford litter, so I didn't train him." and 4) YOUR dishes are done after every meal. (Our peeve is dishes sitting, we always do them right after we eat.) She has lived here three days and broken every #$&#$#$ rule! The dish thing may seem petty, but if we can work 40 plus hour weeks and manage to run an entire household, I think that her jobless bleep can do her OWN dishes. I'm so irritated right now, and my husband says to keep my mouth shut cause it's only three months. (It could be sooner, but she doesn't want to work.) I so regret letting her move in, but it broke my heart to hear her crying when her bf was beating her. I can't believe I'm already at wits end.

[micki76]

I had a friend since 3rd grade that was the same way (bf always beating her, jobless, etc) who was always coming to me when she got beat, or he gave her herpes, or she caught him in their bed with another woman.

I hate to say it, but I had all I could take. I realized that she and I were not friends. I was her therapist, hotel, doctor, and police all rolled into one person who just got sick of it. She called me for help a hundred times an showed up on my doorstep at all hours of the night and day crying, beaten and pitiful. She was always "going to leave him" this time was always "the last time", etc. After a few years of this, I frankly told her to sh*t or get off the pot. She didn't speak to me for about 5 years and honestly, I was glad to get a break from her. I am a nice person (I think) and willing to help in anyway possible, but I can only help if the person is willing to be helped. In short, we were not really friends, I was simply a temporary escape route for her and someone that was willing to listen.

I hope this isn't the case with your friend and that she really stays away from her bf.

Keep your chin up and remember that you may have to do what's best FOR YOU!! I hope all this doesn't ruin your friendship.

[Uabassoon]

Hearing this is making me worried now. I have a friend who is going to need some help getting back on his feet once his lease runs out at the end of this month and he's going to be staying with me for a few weeks. He said he would cook and clean for me and follow whatever guidlines I set... hopefully he'll be true to his word.

[Fox-Gal]

Have you talk to her, again. I went through the same things years ago. She keep letting my cat out!!! and other things. Our thing was the bathroom, wipe up after yourself. Everone has a peeve.

So I sat down and just told her, "you haven't lived up to the rules we set down for living her and I understand that your not use to living our way but, if you can't make a better effort, I will have to ask you to leave for the sake of our friendship" Just tell her how you fell, with as much tack as you can, that things have to change. Explain to her, how you want to be there for her, but she has to be there for you also. If you have been friends that long, I'm sure she will understand if explained right. Note the word effort, you can't expect her to get it right all the time, but atleast she can try.

Three months could feel like a year if it keeps going on and you will lose it in time and say somthing in the heat of the moment. It's just human nature, we can only take so much for so long then we explode in some form or other. And then you most likely lossed a friendship too.

Just my opinon. do what you feel is right and good luck to you. Hope it all works out for you.

[Logan]

Tonya, I have been there and done that. I was a single mom of one child with a three bedroom house. My secretary at work was having terrible problems with her husband and I offered my home to her as a "stopping point" for a couple of weeks so that she could figure out what to do. She and her 3 year old daughter moved in and two months later, I was missing my privacy! I did NOT have to deal with what you are talking about, but it was hard for me, and I didn't have a husband or other children there. I came to resent her presence. She wasn't paying me rent, but she did buy her own food and was very clean and quiet. It was just having someone else there for much longer than I bargained for! Plus, I worked with her every single day! And she was my employee!

I hope you can get this straightened out and soon. I have to agree with the earlier response that you need to level with her now, even if it is in writing. I hate face to face confrontation, so writing is best for me.

Much luck to you. You intentions were the best. I hope your friend will realize that.

Logan

[carole]

Regardless of her unhappy situation, I really think you need to have a talk with her, and in the nicest way possible put her straight on one or two things, saying it is only 3 mths, makes no difference, if you are kind enough to open your heart and home to her, she should at least give you the respect you deserve.

No-one and I mean No-one , no matter the circumstances should intrude in your home and walk all over you, which I think is what is happening in this case, Just my opinion.

you may find a heart to heart talk will sort it out, I hope so for your sake and sanity, and whatever donot let her come between your hubby and yourself. Good luck as you will need it.

[RICHARD]

the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You will usually know what a person is like within the first week. Trust me, if a person does not respect you and abide by the rules you have set up
in your household, you can pretty much be assured that they won't change..

Yes, sit down and talk to her but impress upon her that the day she has to leave is -------.

it becomes that much harder to ask someone to leave when the deadline comes and goes.

good luck.

[clara4457]

Although I truly understand your frustrations with this friend and your need to have things the way you want them in "your house", one thing kind of pops out at me. Is she suffering from depression? Not the kind that comes every once in a while, but actual clinical depression. I had a friend that suffered terribly and got to the point where she would not even get out of bed. When you are clinically depressed, even the simple act of doing the dishes or looking for a job can be a huge thing.

Have you ever read Karen Pryor's book "Don't Shoot the Dog"? She talks about operant conditioning and the 6 types of reinforcement. She is an animal trainer, but her methods have been used on people as well and very successfully.

A couple of things I would try - when it is time to do the dishes, cheerfully call her to help and say something like "Hey lets do the dishes and while we are doing them we can gossip about so and so". Tell jokes - make it fun.

When it is time to look for a job (which I personally think is the most horrendous thing in the world), start by going on a shopping trip for an interview outfit. Make it fun and rewarding. A new outfit, a new hairdo, a cocktail hour will do wonders for her self esteem. Plus if men notice her in her new outfit, she will stop thinking that the kind of man she is used to dating is all there is.

Can you plan a time daily that the cat gets to come out of the bathroom for some playtime? Make it fun, but also educational. Buy a 99 cent clicker at Petsmart and start teaching the cat to sit. It is amazing what a cat can learn from a clicker and a little wet catfood on a spoon. Plus your friend will start realizing how much more fun pets are when they are trained and happy.

Do these sound like dog training skills? ABSOLUTELY but they do work - even for people!

[Tonya]

I think she is depressed too, Clara. No one lives the way she does and treats her body the way she does (lots of other problems I hadn't mentioned) and doesn't have some type of issue. I've suggested counseling and whatnot to her for years. I've done all that I can for her.

Her and I were talking yesterday. There are alot of things that she has been doing and saying that don't add up. Well, one thing lead to another in our conversation and she finally admitted that she never intended on leaving her bf. She did all this to show him how serious she was. Now, I just paid $600 to catch her car payments up and another few hundred catching misc bills up. I feel like a sucker.

[catland]

I'm really sorry for the situation that you are in. Please understand, this woman is a user. She justifies her actions and never sees that she is in the wrong. She is not your friend. She is using your childhood friendship to manipulate you.

1. Don't give her another penny! Understand that most likely, you will not see that 600 dollars again.

2. Does she have any decent family that can take care of her daughter? In the old days we called these women unfit mothers.


You cannot change her. You cannot save her. You can only change how you react to her.

Give her an ultimatum. Either she seek counseling and obeys your house rules or she is gone! She will probably get angry at you and call you bad things. That's ok - remember, she's just trying to manipulate you. If/when you kick her out, be home to make sure she doesn't steal your stuff.


Sorry for being so harsh - but she sounds like bad news that will just get worse.

[Tonya]

Her daughter's father has her like 20 days out of the month, thank God! She's going back with her boyfriend, which I don't even care anymore. I told her to get her stuff out of my garage this weekend or it'll be on the street. I am never ever doing something like that again. Thank God the nightmare only lasted a week. For now on family and close close close friends and that's it!

[micki76]

One thought. Have your locks re-keyed or install new locks. I know you think she wouldn't do anything bad, but trust me she just might. You don't want anything bad to happen to your home or your pets.

[Cataholic]

Tonya, you stood it 6 days longer than I would have. I call these people "psychological burdens"...I have heard the term toxic friends, also. It isn't that you shouldn't help others, you should. But, she wasn't looking for help. She was looking to abuse you.


Clara4457, I read your posts, and thought, "you are either a Saint, or nuts".....I am going with the Saint theory. No way would I expect to 'babysit' another adult, "lets wash the dishes and gossip about so an so"...a ten year old child? Yes. Another adult? Nope.

[Tonya]

Well, a few weeks later, it is all over with! Boy, has it been drama. It took her forever to come get her stuff. Finally, her poor brother (good guy) helped her move. He moved 4 truck loads all by himself. My husband felt bad for him so even though we swore we wouldn't help her move out, my husband helped Nick load the truck at our house. Then, on each load at her house, Nick unloaded the truck alone while my friend's boyfriend and three of his friends played darts in the garage. Nick even said to this idiot "Hey, this is your stuff and your girlfriend and your house, do you think you can give me a hand?" I am totally amazed that he even did that much work. He says he did it for his 5 year old neice and if it wasn't for her he would have been fighting. Anyways, there was one load left, and Nick was exhausted. He told my friend's bf that if he didn't help on the last load, that he wasn't going to do it. Well, the bf refused to help...so the load sat at my house for another week. For 5 days straight, my friend called me and said that I needed to sit home and that she was on her way to get her stuff. She didn't show. So, finally, Friday, my husband and I drug her beautiful dinette set, her bakers rack, her dressers, and her bed out to the street and put a "FREE" sign on it. I called her house (she wasn't answering my calls) and said "This is Tonya, I think I have been patient and giving long enough. Your stuff is sitting in front of my house with a "for free" sign right now. If you don't show up right now with cash (she owed me lots of money), we are going to have a problem." She showed up literally in 10 minutes with a truck. I have my money back, and my house is once again mine. Lesson learned!

[moosmom]

Tonya,

I'm very proud of you! You did what you had to do under the circumstances, as her friend. Unfortunately, she was not honest with you. IMO, I would cut off all ties with this woman. Cataholic was right when she mentioned the "psychological burden". That's exactly what she was. You were a great friend to her and she took advantage of it.

Now that the lesson has been learned, enjoy your privacy!!!!!