Betrayed by a very close, personal friend...

[moosmom]

I was scanning through the obits like I do every morning when I noticed my friend's mother had passed away on Monday. Bob, who I've known for over 30 years and have been close with and can tell anything to, lied to me about a very important matter. I feel very angry that he flat out lied to me. My friends mean a lot to me. They are there for me and have been for a long time. Including Bob. I signed the guestbook in the newspaper sending my condolences and he deleted it. He was afraid his fiance' (or so I THOUGHT) would see it. Ya see, she hates my guts because she thinks I'm after Bob. But it's not like that. We are just very close friends. I asked him flat out if he was married and he said no. Well, according to the obituary, he IS married!!

I've never felt so beytrayed in my entire life. I re-entered the condolences in the guestbook. Then went to the gym and worked out till I hurt. I'm off to work and will not be answering any of his calls should HE call me.

Anyone care to comment?

[Kirsten]

Donna, I'm so sorry. Seems like many people disappoint you lately, and that is so sad, and hurtful (experienced betrayal myself several times in my life, and some of these wounds never fully heal, as it seems).

Well, you can only make guesses why he did not tell you about his marriage. Makes you wonder...
Maybe you should confront him, and ask him to explain why he was dishonest to you! Was he the one who has told you to get rid of your cats?

(((HUGS)))
Kirsten

[moosmom]

Kirsten,

Anyone who deliberately lies to me is no longer my friend, plain and simple. I neither need nor want any explanation he has. I wouldn't believe him anyway. The trust is gone, sorry to say.

[Kirsten]

I wouldn't believe him anyway. The trust is gone, sorry to say.

I understand that very well. It's just that sometimes it helps to cope with the bad feelings when you at least understand why a person has acted that way...

It's five years ago that a close friend betrayed me, and it made me a bitter person in many ways. Sometimes I feel I would have better talked to her...

Kirsten

[slick]

He was never a friend to begin with. Friends don't lie to friends, IMO.

[Pam]

Let me play the Devil's Advocate. If I am the fiance or, worse yet, the wife of Bob I might have a problem with your condolences in the guestbook after reading what you said she thinks of you already. Therefore, I think it might be understandable that Bob deleted it in order to avoid "words" at such a difficult time. Since you read the obit, which stated that he was married, and still left a message that also might make the "wife" think not so nice thoughts if you get my drift. I would definitely cross Bob off my list of friends, as deceit is not a trait that anyone likes to have in a friendship. Just move on and feel sorry for the wife as she is married to this guy.

P.S. I would also have not re-entered the condolence in the guest book. Since Bob's mom will not be reading it obviously, and only Bob, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to re-write it. His deletion spoke volumes.

[Daisy and Delilah]

Donna, assuming the issue here is whether he was married or not and he lied to you about it.....I thought the family was in charge of providing the facts for written matter in obits for the papers, etc.
In this case, as Vela said, they could have said anything and gotten it printed. If you two are just good friends, this hopefully won't end your friendship.

I think I would check into this before tossing him aside. Just my 2 cents.

[K9soul]

I guess I am rather confused by this whole thing. First of all, having once been employed by a city newspaper typing obits among other things, the info usually comes from the funeral home handling the funeral from info the family gives them. There can easily be mistakes and miscommunication.

But most of all, if this person has been a close friend for 30 years, why would you immediately, without ever speaking to him about it, assume the very worst of him with no explanation, especially during a time when he is, I assume, grieving the loss of his mother? All deep friendships in my experience have some ups and downs, but if this person has been someone you could tell anything to and vice versa, why would you end the friendship immediately and so drastically without even talking over the issue with him and finding out the situation?

I have known plenty of people who were engaged to be married who started referring to themselves as husband/wife even before the actual wedding, especially if they are already living together. I just don't understand I guess what the big betrayal is here.

[RICHARD]

If you stand a man on his head naked, He can still do the Pinochio thing-the body part just changes.

[moosmom]

RICHARD,

Thanks. I needed to laugh.

I appreciate all your comments and am not offended in the least.

Taz Zoe,

Yes, it's one and the same.

I always give people the benefit of the doubt. But he had a "wedding ring" on his left hand one day when I met him for lunch. I asked him if he was married and he said, "No, I wear it for my job" (he's a funeral director). He wears it for his job???? I could never call him at work cuz he was paranoid someone would see it someone other than Chris calling and squealing. I always had to beep him and he'd call me back. One time I went to his house (he cooked me dinner) while Chris was away on business. I noticed a wedding dress hanging in the bedroom door. I asked him about it. He had an answer for that too. He said he'd been bugging Chris to put the thing in the attic as it was an eyesore. Uh-huh.

He's got an answer for everything. I'm tired feeling like sloppy seconds. He's been a little distant the past few months, not calling me like he always used to.

I've given him his space.

I just want to say that I'm so SOOOO lucky to have such wonderful, caring friends here on PT. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. You're the best and I love you all.

[Puckstop31]

1.) I am truly sorry for the grief you are having. Really. I don't know what to tell you. Trust is indeed a fragile thing. When it is broken, it is hard to repair. The only real advice I can give is this, the same thing I tell everybody who is going through a rough patch. FIDO. (Eph It, Drive On.) *Translation - Learn from what happened and move on.*

If you dwell on it, he wins.

2.) I LOVE my wife more than anything. God has blessed me with the woman of my dreams. The point of this being that ther eis that ONE person for everybody. Be patient and you will find each other. (Tanya and I are a case in point...) If you force it, it may never happen.

[Pam]

RICHARD,
But he had a "wedding ring" on his left hand one day when I met him for lunch.

I could never call him at work cuz he was paranoid someone would see it someone other than Chris calling and squealing.

(he cooked me dinner) while Chris was away on business.

I noticed a wedding dress hanging in the bedroom door.

4 big red flags! I don't think it would take Colombo to see through that.

[dukedogsmom]

All I can say is been there and done that (or had it happen, anyway), at one of the worst times of my life by someone I thought was a good friend. I'm sorry it happened but don't let him have that power over you.

[Vela]

Well from the sounds of it, for whatever reason, he wanted to keep some things a secret, I really don't know what his motives would be, but unfortunately sometimes those things happen in life. While it sucks a whole lot and you feel very hurt by it, the only thing you can do is move on. He sounds a bit sneaky honestly, if all that you said was true about the ring and dress. That's a bit strange on his part! It probably is best to just move on if he's being that sneaky about things. A guy like that is going to end up found out by everyone and it'll come back to bite him in the butt. Better to find out now before it causes you even more grief down the road I guess.