Just need to vent and cry

[jazzcat]

As some of you know my father is 86, not in the best of health and has some dementia problems. I'm the closest child so I take care of him but I still live about 35 miles away. We have hired a caretaker who comes about 30 hours a week but I still go down 1-2 times a week plus I'm on the phone with him many times each day to make sure he's taking his meds, eating and drinking enough and dealing with whatever comes up.

I have two brothers and a sister who live away and we've all agreed that the best thing for Dad is to allow him to live in his house as long as possible since Mom died. This has been going on for 4+ years and it's becoming increasingly stressful for me. I know I'm very lucky that we can afford to hire a caretaker to help and that it could be so much worse for me but I'm so burned out. Every summer I help Dad grow a garden (actually I do most the work) because it's good for him mentally but it's become such a chore and now it's becoming an psychologic problem with Dad because he gets upset when the caretaker takes anything from the garden or it needs to be picked and I'm not getting down their fast enough to help him with it, stuff like that. This morning he called me upset because the caretake took four ears of corn. Now finally several phone calls and hours later I've gotten him calmed down and realizing he was being petty. It is something like that every day and it wears me out.

Oh well, I'm just needing to vent and my poor husband usually takes the brunt of my stress so I thought I would spare him today and unload here with you guys. I'm not really looking for any advice I just needed to get it off my chest before I burst into tears.

[Karen]

Have a good cry, dear - we have terrycloth for shoulders in my clan. Maybe the caretaker should write down "picked 4 ears of corn, thank you!" so you Dad might feel better, having the "crime" acknowledged?

[jazzcat]

Have a good cry, dear - we have terrycloth for shoulders in my clan. Maybe the caretaker should write down "picked 4 ears of corn, thank you!" so you Dad might feel better, having the "crime" acknowledged?

The bad part about it is that she asked him for them and he said okay but it upset him because he said he gave her a few ears earlier this week and that was enough. I've noticed that recently the dementia is making him very stingy with things.

Thanks for the shoulders.

[moosmom]

Jazzcat,

Cry anytime you want. I was in the same predicament when my Dad was alive. The only difference was my dad was a very bad alcoholic. After my stepmom passed away, he lost his will to live and did nothing but drink 24/7. I was his caretaker and there were MANY times all I did was cry. This was before I found PT.

11 years ago they didn't have support groups for children who are forced into caring for elderly parents. I only wish they did. You might want to consider looking into it.

Dementia and Alzheimers are two diseases that to me, along with depression, are the most crippling. When your mind goes, what's left??

I'll PM you with my cell number so if you ever want to talk, call me, okay???

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

Donna

[Barbara]

Lori, I send you a big hug. The bad thing with dementia is it also changes the character of people. And you now deal with a person who is no longer the person you love.
My mom passed away last year and this makes me very sad. But I also know that the person she was when she died was no longer the wonderful person she had been before.
I am sure that he feels so much better deep inside by being able to stay at home and having that garden. Wishing you lots of strength.

[Ginger's Mom]

More hugs coming your way, Lori. You are a very strong and loving daughter. I am not sure I could do what you are doing. As has been mentioned by others dementia can change a person so much, because they don't understand what is going on themselves. I am glad that you also have a caretaker to help with some of the day to day things. You have taken on a big responsibility and you can feel free to vent any time you would like.

[Denyce]

The bad part about it is that she asked him for them and he said okay but it upset him because he said he gave her a few ears earlier this week and that was enough. I've noticed that recently the dementia is making him very stingy with things.

Thanks for the shoulders.

I would guess that he feels very out of control so by keeping as much close to him as he can lets him feel lilke he regains some control over his life back. I am sure that he realizes he is losing time and things and that has to be scary. That there are things slipping through his fingers so he tries to hold on tighter.

Good luck and my best wishes. It is very hard to deal with dementia and alzheimers and aging loved ones. Take deep breaths and give him a hug. *soft smile*

[Taz_Zoee]

It's okay to cry. Sometimes that helps me feel a little better. And you know you can always come here to vent.
I'm sorry this is so stressful on you, but you will get through it. I think it's great that he gets to stay at home for as long as possible. A lot of children wouldn't want to deal with the "hassle".
I always think of the crap my parents had to go through with raising three kids. And I figure the least we could do for them when they get older is to care for them as they did for us. And that's exactly what you are doing.
Just think about the times you and/or your siblings probably stressed your parents out. They pulled through it and so will you.
So just go have a good cry and snuggle with the kitties.