Need some "legal" advice.....

[racing_gurl07]

I dont know if anyone here works for family services or social services or anything along those lines...but i do have a little bit of a conflict....
As you all know i am about 4 months pregnant...and I was with the father of this child but then it didnt work out, he turned into an alocholic, and i dont want him around me while im pregnant or this child after they are born. but he is trying to talk to me about who gets this child for holidays and things like that. but what do i do, where do i go, so i can get full custody of this child. I know it might be too early but its never too early for advice. I dont want him around at all, i know it might seem bad but if you would know how he treated me and how much he drinks
so if anyone has any advice..please let me know...thanks!

[Cataholic]

Take this for what it is, free advice.

You have full, legal, and the only custody of the baby. The father has no legal rights in this situation until he has them established. This is done through paternity testing, or by affadavit.

I would encourage you to get in touch with a local women's group to work issues out. For starters, I would tell you the following: do not have him sign the birth certificate, do not give the baby his last name, and do not get all embroiled with who gets whom over holidays. It is too early. A lot can happen in 4-5 months, not to mention a newborn is usually better served in the mother's custody for the first several months.

If you know now this is not a relationship you wish to be involved in, I would stop all communication with him. He has no 'rights' to speak of until after the baby is born, and has to have them established.

[moosmom]

I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate either.

Great advice, as always Cataholic!!

[racing_gurl07]

thanks for advice! am i a bad person for not letting him be around this child?

[Catty1]

No you are not being bad for not letting him be around his child!

If he cleans up his act, and starts to behave like a father, that might be another thing.

But until he does, he qualifies only for the position of Past Sperm Donor.

Think of it the other way - letting your child be around him! NOT a good idea AT ALL.

Take care of you and your baby, and contact some of the resources suggested.

hugs!

[moosmom]

Absolutely not!! You know what's in the best interest of the child. I wouldn't let my daughter go with my aunt, because she would drink and drive. So no, you're doing the right thing.

[Laura's Babies]

Cataholic's advice is 100% correct so follow that as it is good advice.

[racing_gurl07]

thanks for all the advice gals! it makes me feel so much better knowing that im doing the right thing.

I have a new boyfriend now that supports me 100% with this pregnacy, he wants to be there for everything. (well so does my ex but i dont want him there) and my boyfriend now wants to be the real daddy in this childs life...wants to be a father figure. but the child still needs to know who their real father is right?

[Pam]

I am glad Cataholic saw this thread and responded. She has given you sound advice. Regarding your new boyfriend.... I imagine he has only been in your life a couple of months since you were still with the baby's father four months ago. I wouldn't rely on any feelings (yours or his) or statements from him. It is way too early to think about his part in the baby's life. Lots can change over time. What won't change is that you are about to be a mom and that new little one should be your only concern. Good luck!

[carole]

Maybe in the future if you and your boyfriend are solid, adoption by your new partner might be an option, it has already been said, it is far too early probably to be making any firm decisions yet, but i happy to hear your new partner is ready to step up and be a daddy to your baby.

I can only give you some advice on my own experience and i am not sure it will help, my ex husband was also an alcoholic and i parted with him when my son was about 16 months old, he was not a bad person and he had sought help for his problem, he saw my son for about a year and had remarried taking on four other children, i later met someone who wanted to adopt my son, but the relationship ended, my son's father had decided to stay out of the picture and let it go ahead and sign his rights over,however he chose not to re-enter my son's life,even though i gave him the opportunity telling him the relationship had finished, i have since married and my son was legally adopted by husband.,at the age of ten years old.

I am not sure if i made the right decision to this day, but my son considers my husband his dad, and has no desire to ever look up his biological father, he is now 25 yrs old, however i do think it affected him, no matter the situation they feel abandoned by them, and it does hurt them,you can only do what you feel is right for your child,good luck.

[Marigold2]

How about giving the baby up for adoption. This way you never have to deal with him ever again and you can start a new life without being a single mom which by the way is one of the hardest things to do. Not just time wise, but money wise as well. His parents can down the road make your life hell along with him and the rest of his family.

[catnapper]

I would meet other women in your position and talk with them. You already know the father isn't good for you. Thats a step many women take too long to take. There is a lot of help out there for women who are escaping bad relationships with children. They have heard it all and know how to help. Go seek them out.

[Cataholic]

How about giving the baby up for adoption. This way you never have to deal with him ever again and you can start a new life without being a single mom which by the way is one of the hardest things to do. Not just time wise, but money wise as well. His parents can down the road make your life hell along with him and the rest of his family.

What? Give a baby up so that the woman doesn't have to deal with the man again, and start a new life?

It is hard? So, give the baby up? Being a single mom is not the hardest thing to do. In fact, I am surprised at how easy and uncomplicated my life is. Raising Jonah is probably the greatest thing I have ever had the pleasure of doing, and I get to do it full-time, all 'alone', and totally without regret.

Maybe that is because I am focused on my one and only priority- raising my son. My wants/needs/desires(LOL on that one, he he he...I mean it in the most innocent of terms) all take a second chair, gladly. I don't want/need/care for having another adult in my life.

Racinggrl- I don't think I would begin to get involved with anyone at this point. Your life, as you knew it, is going to be flopped upside down. Frankly, I can't imagine you having the time/energy to devote to a new relationship, other than the baby. I would prolly stop focusing on what life is going to be like in 6 months, and who, besides your baby, will be in it. Please don't p*** away your pregnancy and first few months with a newborn on some new "love". It is time you will never get back, and chances are good, sadly, that your new "love" won't be there in another 6 months.

[JenBKR]

I am glad that you realized that the father is no good for you now. I agree with catnapper that too many women take too long to figure that out. I'm glad that the new boyfriend is stepping up for you. I also agree that it might be good for you to find other women in the same position as you - I am sure that you could find a support group or even an online forum that would be good. I do know that you have a good support system, so I am happy for that.

[Marigold2]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.

What? Give a baby up so that the woman doesn't have to deal with the man again, and start a new life?

It is hard? So, give the baby up? Being a single mom is not the hardest thing to do. In fact, I am surprised at how easy and uncomplicated my life is. Raising Jonah is probably the greatest thing I have ever had the pleasure of doing, and I get to do it full-time, all 'alone', and totally without regret.

Maybe that is because I am focused on my one and only priority- raising my son. My wants/needs/desires(LOL on that one, he he he...I mean it in the most innocent of terms) all take a second chair, gladly. I don't want/need/care for having another adult in my life.

Racinggrl- I don't think I would begin to get involved with anyone at this point. Your life, as you knew it, is going to be flopped upside down. Frankly, I can't imagine you having the time/energy to devote to a new relationship, other than the baby. I would prolly stop focusing on what life is going to be like in 6 months, and who, besides your baby, will be in it. Please don't p*** away your pregnancy and first few months with a newborn on some new "love". It is time you will never get back, and chances are good, sadly, that your new "love" won't be there in another 6 months.