I'm so sick of crying.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

I'm SO sick of my mom.

She's gone. Not here. No one knows where she is, what she's doing, who she's with. She said she was going out with my sister or her friends Daryll and Nikola.

I called at 7 when I was done with work and she said she was on her way home. Four hours later, I've got no damn clue where the hell she is. I'm SO sick of this. I'm bawling my eyes out and I can't really type accurately, so I will just copy and paste a conversation I just had with a friend.

Kutless Demons (10:37:35 PM): have you considered calling the police?
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:37:41 PM): no
Kutless Demons (10:38:11 PM): hmm.
Kutless Demons (10:38:17 PM): where do you think she could be?
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:38:30 PM): john's.
Kutless Demons (10:38:36 PM): oh god.
Kutless Demons (10:38:37 PM): really??
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:38:47 PM): possibly.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:38:52 PM): that's where my dad and jen think she is.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:39:00 PM): my mom told me she was going to meet jen out for pizza.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:39:05 PM): jenny said mom never showed up.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:39:11 PM): sooo.
Kutless Demons (10:39:18 PM): maybe something happened to her??
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:39:27 PM): i pretty much hope she's in a ditch somewhere.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:40:11 PM): if she's going to ****ing lie to people about where she is and get involved in this john **** again
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:40:13 PM): i dont even care
Kutless Demons (10:40:33 PM): well how come you automatically assume she's lying?
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:40:51 PM): because we know her.
Kutless Demons (10:41:02 PM): thats really horrible of her
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:41:06 PM): she's not okay in the head.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:41:23 PM): i hate how she puts me through this **** ALL THE TIME and doesnt even think about what she's doing to me
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:42:09 PM): 80% of my damn life is spent worrying about her, hoping that her depression hasn't gotten the best of her, hoping that she'll realize that john's an asshole, hoping she'll realize what the **** she's missing and fucking HOPING she'll feel sorry for it.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:42:22 PM): its NOT FAIR.
Kutless Demons (10:43:07 PM): *hug* she's selfish. HORRIBLY selfish. you're too nice for worrying about her all the time. and it's not fair what you have to go through *hugs again*..me and maddi were talking about it the other day and we're both SO proud of how effing STRONG you are about it all!!
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:44:05 PM): i dont feel so strong when i'm bawling my eyes out
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:44:13 PM): i ****ing hate this
Kutless Demons (10:44:45 PM): you are too strong! you've got room to cry, you have lots of shit to deal with
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:44:48 PM): i hate dealing with her endless ****, she needs to get over john, she needs to be a parent, she needs to realize what she's missing and how she makes people AROUND her feel... she just DOESNT GET IT and it makes me SO angry
Kutless Demons (10:45:11 PM): you should tell her this!
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:46:05 PM): i know
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:46:08 PM): but it will kill her
Kutless Demons (10:46:20 PM): is there a nice way you could say all that?
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:46:25 PM): if i tell her whats wrong with her she'll just fall apart
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:46:38 PM): either that or she'll get really angry and scream at me
Kutless Demons (10:47:07 PM): argh
Kutless Demons (10:47:10 PM): lose lose situation eh?
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:47:15 PM): pretty much.
Kutless Demons (10:47:17 PM): do you talk to your dad about it?
Kutless Demons (10:47:20 PM): maybe he has a suggestion
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:47:55 PM): i hate talking to ANYONE about it cuz i always end up bawling... everything i don't tell people can only sit around for so long before i snap
Kutless Demons (10:49:05 PM): you can talk to me and maddi about it! bawl to us and we'll hug you and tell you we love you..and then once all your crying is out you can talk to your dad about it!
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:50:09 PM): angie called when i was telling you about my mom
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:50:26 PM): part of the reason i'm bawling
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:50:52 PM): she cares enough to call and see how my day was and wish me goodnight and hope i have a good day

Angie is my dad's girlfriend, my second mom. She's so supportive of everything I do.

I'm SO SICK OF MY MOM. I hate crying and I hate her. She puts me through SO MUCH and doesn't even FLINCH.

[Karen]

Sweetheart, you cry because you have a heart.

Perhaps, maybe I have suggested this before, you need to stop thinking of her as your mother. Think of her as your "birth mother" - she's biologically connected, but that's it. It sounds like Angie is a better role model, and you can choose others, too. Heavens knows I have more Moms than you can shake a stick at, and I had a GOOD mother!

Write your biological mom a letter, explaining that she hurts you with her careless actions, and if you want to limit her involvement with you, say that, too.

[flamepony12]

Aww, Meg.. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this for so long. You don't know how much I hope things will get better for you. Stay strong Meg, and always remember that we love you and we're here for you.

What Karen suggested was an absolutely perfect idea, as long as you're comfortable with it.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

It's just not fair. Why do I have to do this all the time? I keep my emotions to myself, then one little thing happens and I snap and I'm bawling. My mom is soooo heartless its unreal. It's not fair that I spend nearly ALL of my time worrying about her, hoping she's doing okay, hoping she's taking her medicine, hoping she isn't seeing John again, hoping she is have a damn GOOD DAY and all I get is no phone call, no idea where she is, neglect and hearltessness. It's NOT FAIR, and I don't get it.

It's not fair.

[trayi52]

I am so sorry you keep having to go through this over and over again, Meg. At this young age, you just don't need this kind of problem. Maybe a good letter would work for you at least. It would get it out of your system anyway.

I just don't think she is going to change anytime soon. It is time you started thinking of yourself, and quit thinking of whether she is going to be alright and take her meds and etc, etc. She is a grown woman, she is going to have to take care of herself!

I love you, Megan, and I hate to see you let this thing just keep eating you alive. Please don't let her keep doing this to you all the time. Take time to be the young lady you are suppose to be.

love,
Willie

[Cat's Meowm]

How sad. I had a dad like that in my childhood. It's affected me.

Keep talking it out.

It took me years to realize not all people make good parents;
but they are good people.

Keep questioning, sweetheart; it will make sense one day.

Be careful before you have babies - it's the toughest job in the universe!

[gini]

Karen has given you good advice - sit down and write your Mom a letter - even if she doesn't read it - putting all of your feelings down on paper will help you.

Meg, somehow, I feel as though you should stop thinking about what you DON'T have - and concentrate on what you DO have. If you have people around you that really care about you (and it sounds as though you do)- look to them for support.

It is clear that your pain is very deep - you want and need a love and concern from your Mom and all she does is care about herself and ignores you.

Believe me, this hurts me for you.

It will be difficult to reconcile this - but in time you will be able to do this and continue to grow into this lovely woman with a big heart. Your Mother is throwing away something so precious and she doesn't even realize what she is doing. I am glad that you can come to us - and even from a distance there are so many women who would love to have a daughter just like you.

We will try to give you the love and assurance that you need and deserve.

[jesse_3]

Hold in tight. You have all the support from PT'ers, and we all care about you here, and it sounds like Angie and your dad do too.

You really should stop worrying about your mom. It is not your responsibility to watch her, and ask if she is on her meds. That is her job.

I know that we don't really talk too much, but I am always willing to listen, or talk if you ever want. Just send me a PM, and I will surely do what I can to help.

(((((HUGS))))) This will eventually get better, just keep talking, and crying. Crying always helps a little, so don't be afraid to cry!

-Stephanie

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Today started out great... I didn't have school, slept in till 10, and worked at 4. Work was fine, I had this feeling of self pride for some reason, and I held my head a little higher and was a little friendlier.

My manager, Sarah, came over to the manager that was bagging for me and said to her, "One of our 9's need to go home at 8:30." (meaning someone who goes home at 9 needs to go a half hour early, our numbers were bad)

Usually, in these circumstances, the manager will single out the two or three people that are ELIGIBLE to go home, and play the "Pick a Number" game to see who gets to go home. But Sarah, FAVORING the other person, doesn't even give me a chance to TRY and go home early. Sarah is friends with the other girl, so she automatically let the other girl go home and didn't even give me a chance. Mind you, the girl she favors was doing lame ass jobs like taking baskets back, and most of the time was just sitting around doing nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, staying the extra half hour wasn't bad. It's just the fact that she isn't showing fairness and equality. Everytime I'm there, she favors this ONE girl over everyone else.

Toppping it off, she isn't even MANAGING. She is off talking to people at the service desk, wanderinig around the store, not doing her job AT ALL. It's SO irritating when you need her and have NO CLUE where she is.

*breath*

My best friends pretty much hate each other. To make a long story short, X and Y talked about dating, Y wanted to date X but thought that if something were to happen and they would break up, their friendship would be in shambles. Y said no to X, now X is being a drama queen and said that Y led her on, blah blah blah. X wants "space" from Y, and now Y is broken hearted because she feels like she ruined EVERYTHING between the three of us.


I AM SO SICK OF DRAMA.

My day started out okay, but I'm at my breaking point again. Drama, my friend and I got pulled over last night and she was a wreck, my stress-filled job, my mom, I'm just soooo tired of everything.

I can't take this anymore.

[Karen]

You need to take a little time and focus on you. Have yourself a strong cup of hot cocoa, or tea, or whatever, and realize that all these dramas belong to other people. Which ones, and how you choose to react, is up to you. You can still be friends with X and Y, but if they continue to fight, you'll quickly see which of them is truly your friend, and willing to talk about something other than the issues between the two of them. Set up ground rules if you want - "I will still be your friend, but do not talk badly about x/y to me, I will not choose between you."

Buy yourself a rose, if you likes roses (some other flower if you have a different favorite) - just a single stem won't cost a whole lot. Look at it, sniff it, and realize that there is beauty in the world. And when it begins to wilt, save a few petals and press them in a book, to have a reminder of this in the days ahead.

It is hard sometimes, to remember, but you can remain calm in the midst of a storm, and you'll be a better person for it.

Oh, and for the work thing? I can do you one better than that. I got fired from my first job because the boss didn't like teenagers. Why he hired me in the first place is a mystery, now that I know that. But what made that worthwhile was when a coworker went on maternity leave (with twins) a few months later, all the other ladies convinced him he had to rehire me! Work fo your own pride, never mind what the "manager" thinks. If it really bothers you, you could talk to her boss, but it probably isn't worth the fuss. You are a good, worthy person, you have to remember that.

[Lizzie]

That's good advice from Karen, and something I've done for myself on occasion. Sometimes I've bought a few flowers, a few hand-made chocolates, or a coffee-table book on a favorite subject, it's been my way of saying that I'm worthwhile. I remember having to go back and live somewhere I really hated when I was about 20, and I knew it would depress me. I stopped by before moving in and put a potted azalea on the table with a card I'd written to myself. When I moved in, that special welcome was waiting for me and it didn't matter that I'd done it for myself.

Your manager is probably bored with her job and has become careless. It will be noticed by her manager eventually. I should think everyone on PT has been in a job where they've had to suffer from seeing someone else favored, it happens in every workplace.

Won't you be going away to college soon? I left home at 18 to go to nursing school and I couldn't wait to get away from my step-mother; those last months at home seemed to last forever. She controlled the family with hysterics and we all fell in line because it was easier than having to cope with her fits of rage. Even if you have to live at home while you are in college, you will be starting an exciting new life and it may help you distance yourself from your home life.

[cyber-sibes]

So sorry to hear how awful your mother treats you. She sounds like a troubled woman. There is a term in recovery groups - "detachment", and it's a skill you can learn. By realizing that you have no control over people, places, and things, you can stop trying to influence them. Acceptance is a hard thing to swallow, but in the long run, the only person you really have any control over is... you! If you can step back and watch your mom as if she were someone who is in desperate need of help, you may start to feel less like a victim. You can put some distance there and not take it so personally - she probably treats everyone that way... She is making choices she will one day regret. Accept the love and care that others are showing you, and know that you are a wonderful child of God and deserve good things. You can make your own choices about how to treat others. Perhaps your own experience is helping mould you into a loving, caring, sensitive young woman. While you may not like your past, you can make choices today that will lead to a wonderful future!

[moosmom]

Megan,

Sorry I missed your call the other day. But you know how to reach me. Glad you had a good time at the game.

Angie sounds like she's got a heart of gold and WANTS to be there for you. Please, take her up on it. While your biological mother means well, she doesn't seem to get it.

Concentrate on helping yourself rather than your Mom. If you can spare a couple of bucks, get a pedicure (I should take my own advice!!), a massage or something to pamper yourself.

Again, my celly is always on. I'll be around tonight after 8 pm. Call me!!

[Kfamr]

My manager, Sarah, came over to the manager that was bagging for me and said to her, "One of our 9's need to go home at 8:30." (meaning someone who goes home at 9 needs to go a half hour early, our numbers were bad)

Think of this part, this way.. You got more hours on the clock which = more money for you!

I love when my boss asks me to stay extra hours or fill in for someone else... more money for me!

[buttercup132]

Today started out great... I didn't have school, slept in till 10, and worked at 4. Work was fine, I had this feeling of self pride for some reason, and I held my head a little higher and was a little friendlier.

My manager, Sarah, came over to the manager that was bagging for me and said to her, "One of our 9's need to go home at 8:30." (meaning someone who goes home at 9 needs to go a half hour early, our numbers were bad)

Usually, in these circumstances, the manager will single out the two or three people that are ELIGIBLE to go home, and play the "Pick a Number" game to see who gets to go home. But Sarah, FAVORING the other person, doesn't even give me a chance to TRY and go home early. Sarah is friends with the other girl, so she automatically let the other girl go home and didn't even give me a chance. Mind you, the girl she favors was doing lame ass jobs like taking baskets back, and most of the time was just sitting around doing nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, staying the extra half hour wasn't bad. It's just the fact that she isn't showing fairness and equality. Everytime I'm there, she favors this ONE girl over everyone else.

Toppping it off, she isn't even MANAGING. She is off talking to people at the service desk, wanderinig around the store, not doing her job AT ALL. It's SO irritating when you need her and have NO CLUE where she is.

*breath*

My best friends pretty much hate each other. To make a long story short, X and Y talked about dating, Y wanted to date X but thought that if something were to happen and they would break up, their friendship would be in shambles. Y said no to X, now X is being a drama queen and said that Y led her on, blah blah blah. X wants "space" from Y, and now Y is broken hearted because she feels like she ruined EVERYTHING between the three of us.


I AM SO SICK OF DRAMA.

My day started out okay, but I'm at my breaking point again. Drama, my friend and I got pulled over last night and she was a wreck, my stress-filled job, my mom, I'm just soooo tired of everything.

I can't take this anymore.

Omg thats JUST LIKE my old manager!!! Or well both. They would go out to like kfc and bring back dinner for everyone BUT ME and noone else had to pay for it either. They would also favor one person and would bring them when they went out and they would bring them for their breaks wich they extended even though there not suposed to!
They were so stupid!! UGGH I hate my old managers I'm so glad I quite my old job!
I'm sorry your going through such a tough time you can always pm and aim me and I'll talk with you.(sometime its easier to pour your heart out over the internet to people you knw(I know it makes me feel better))
I havnt gone through the same thing but a abussive childhood and crap yes Ive been there. If you cant talk to you dad in person without crying maybe write him a note. I do that cause I know I'll end up crying too if I talk to my mom in person (so I have her on msn instead)
good luck I hope things will shape up