Need some advice please

[pomtzu]

You say that she's the one that broke the friendship 6 years ago. Why didn't you break it long before then, if she was all that terrible? If she hasn't changed, then you're in for more of the same. You dealt with it in the past and didn't seek to break from her, so what makes it any different now? Now if you had been the one to break it 6 years ago, I could understand, but you didn't.

[Catty1]

Ok, ok it's Marigold's turn to break it then. Whatever. She didn't invite this woman back after the break. It was 21 years ago.

Marigold, if YOU break it this time, you take back your power. If she keeps hassling you, call the mental health van (they have one in Calgary, I don't know about where you are).

Turn it over to the professionals, if at all possible.

[Daisy and Delilah]

I can understand you not wanting to hear the constant complaining. Nobody wants to hear that from anybody. We all have enough problems of our own. I would simply tell her to stop all the negativity or you can not be bothered. Most people don't mind helping people as long as they help themselves.
If it were me, that's what I would have to do. She will soon figure out that she is running people off because of her attitude.

ETA::: Sorry about missing that she had already lost weight, Marigold. I hope she continues to lose the weight but in a healthy way. Maybe you being her friend will help that along.

Good luck.

[pomtzu]

Ok, ok it's Marigold's turn to break it then. Whatever. She didn't invite this woman back after the break. It was 21 years ago.

No need getting defensive - I was just curious. I told Marigold that I was not trying to be a smart-a$$. And the break was 6 years ago - not 21.

Maybe - just maybe - this is her former friend's way of apologizing and asking for another chance. Maybe.......

[Marigold2]

I met her through a mutual friend and the three of us would get together at first, the two women were going to classes together. Then my friend moved away and she sort of became a fixture here. Her family did not like her and she could not stand them.
It was a slow process but I felt for her and the more she said people were uncaring and only out for themselves the more I wanted to prove her wrong.
She ended the friendship as she ends everything by pushing people away and accusing them of being uncaring and mean and only out for themselves.
As for her weight it didn't bother me so much as it was so hard for her. It was a good lesson for the kids growing up to not judge people by their weight. However when someone is that incredibly heavy they just cannot sit any where, chairs break, they get stuck in chairs, cannot fit into booths, have to sit down every few minutes and they smell. She fell twice flat on her stomach and could not get up and I could not lift her. The first time was in her kitchen and it took the two of us several hours to get her back on her feet. It was horrible. She was scared, in panic mode, would not let me call 911, she had to rest over and over and over again while she tried to roll over onto her back and finally I moved a heavy chair and she could halfway pull herself up, the second time I won't even talk about. I am not being mean here just honest. I would go with her to exercise classes 4 days a week then go off to work and she would go off to a resturant and stuff her face. She would eat portions that were huge and she would go out three times a day as she never cooked at home and didn't clean or do dishes.
Four hundred plus lbs is a lot of weight she didn't walk she shuffled and putting food in her mouth and being that big never seemed to resister to her.
When she sat in my kitchen chairs which are made of heavy wood the foot of the chair made an indentation on my vinyl floor. I didn't realize it till later so I had to have her sit elsewhere. What can you do.
The over eatting was a sign of her general unhappiness. I know that I tried to be there for her but it is hard. No one wants to be alone but if one is mean and vile and pushs people away no matter how patient and hard you try they are somewhat determined to win the battle.
I don't know................ I tried to be there for her for over 15 years and nothing changed, she lives in a fantasy world because the real world is too painful I guess.
I just find it so sad. It's kind of like a wasted life. One that revoles around food and hate.

You say that she's the one that broke the friendship 6 years ago. Why didn't you break it long before then, if she was all that terrible? If she hasn't changed, then you're in for more of the same. You dealt with it in the past and didn't seek to break from her, so what makes it any different now? Now if you had been the one to break it 6 years ago, I could understand, but you didn't.

[Medusa]

Monica, I experienced a similar situation not too long ago. My friend was also overweight, not 400 lbs. but 350 and it was difficult for her to navigate, so I know what you mean. Her weight didn't matter to me; it mattered to her and she'd become very defensive about it w/o anyone even bringing up the subject. She gave strangers the impression of being a cheerful person but she was downright mean to her friends and to me most of all. I tolerated it b/c I knew her history, I was friends w/her family and I knew that she didn't mean most of what she said. Her mistake was laying into me once when my son was so sick w/myositis. (If you'll recall, I posted on PT about it b/c, at the time, doctors didn't know what was wrong w/him, just that he was paralyzed. Anyhow, he's fine now.) She called me "more stupid and assinine that I've ever known you to be". That did it for me. Everyone knows how I abhor name-calling and to say such a mean spirited thing when I was so worried about my son was not something that a friend would say. So I told her that her behavior was a 20 year pattern and that unless and until she could speak to me w/respect, not to speak to me at all. That was 3 years ago and the only time she has spoken to me is when I went to her husband's funeral. So clearly she feels that she cannot speak to me w/respect.

My life has been much calmer w/o her vitriol and downright nastiness. If she would call me now, I'd be pleasant and hope that she had learned her lesson. Unfortunately, I spoke to a mutual friend over Memorial Day weekend and she told me that this person hardly has any friends left b/c she treated them all the way she treated me. I would resume our friendship if she would change her attitude and the way she treats people but she hasn't so she can keep her distance. I don't want her to be lonely just as you don't want your friend to be lonely. However, it isn't up to us to entertain them, listen to their problems and then be treated w/disrespect. Your friend MAY be seeking help. Feel out the situation and if she hasn't changed, let her go. If she has, go slowly and see if you can resume the friendship.

[Marigold2]

Thank you Mary........How wise and kind you are. These women sound so alike it's scary.
I am very very sorry she said awful things to you when your son was ill, how painful that was.
Your friend was married, mine never was, did yours have children?
I guess the weight issue and low self esteem are often combined. I often wondered at what point you STOPPED looked at yourself and said, I am fat, I am 200 lbs or 250 or 300 lbs, I can't tie my shoes, go to the bathroom by myself, stand for long, live life to the fullest.
There is a lot of pain hiding in those layers of fat, once the pain is stripped away by therapy the fat melts as well. For some I am afraid the pain of weight is better then the pain of looking inside ones soul. It can be a sad sad world for some.

[Catty1]

I am sorry, pomtzu...I read your post twice but didn't 'see' your meaning. Sorry I jumped on you.

[Queen of Poop]

Good going Mary. You set rules and clearly she isn't willing to abide by your rules. Marigold, perhaps something you want to try with this "friend". Set out your rules for the friendship, similar to Mary's maybe, and see where it goes. Then the ball is back in her court and you needn't feel guilty if she does not maintain the friendship, because then it is her choice.

[Karen]

Another thought - might she be better with an animal friend? Could you convince her to volunteer at a shelter, even in a desk-type position that she could manage with her walker?

Animals can listen to vitriol all day and still will love you, if you love them and are responsible enough to care for them. Maybe an older cat or dog that doesn't require much exercise would help her focus on the present, and now dwell with such bitterness on the past? There's nothing like a cold wet nose or a persistent tapping paw to get one out of bed in the morning ...

[cassiesmom]

At 66 she is still blaming her parents for a rotten childhood, he brothers for being evil and out to get her for money. She never married or had kids.
I just don't think I can do this folks. I can't listen to this same old complaints I heard 21 years ago. ... I just don't think I can take the vile, the poor me, the everyone out to get me, the no one cares about me, I am so alone speech again and again and again. ...
She did do a lot for me in the past but decided to break the friendship six years ago and I never knew why, so I asked and she said "I don't remember". ... I just don't think I can handle all this hate and negitive and trying to always be positive and up and be there for her, she is almost a full time job once she attaches herself to you.
No one should be alone but ,,,,,,,,,,,,, guys I just don't know what to do.

My two cents: Don't go there. Life is too short to be bogged down by someone who you know is going to be a huge strain on you. If she doesn't even remember why she ended your friendship six years ago, I don't think it's worth it you stepping in and trying to help her now. You can't let someone who is full of hatred and negativity sap all your energy.

((((((Marigold2))))),
elyse

[pomtzu]

I am sorry, pomtzu...I read your post twice but didn't 'see' your meaning. Sorry I jumped on you.

No problem kiddo! I appreciate that you acknowledged this - not all people would. Very admirable indeed.

And I really wasn't trying to be a smart-a$$. I've decided to turn over a new leaf, as impossible as that may sound........

[kitten645]

Life is too short to choose to surround yourself with miserable people. She made her bed. Harsh but true. You don't want to invite that negativity into your life. Sounds like she hasn't changed. The definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over and expect a different outcome. Cut your loses.