Tough times....now pain behind knee...trying positive thinking

[Anikaca77]

Carole-

Congrats on your coming up 19 years married. That's amazing. My grandparetns where married for over 58 years or so. My great grandparents were married for a long time as well and their love for eachother was just amazing.

The thing here with us, is I do love my husband, but sometimes more now I'm questioning just how much and can I deal with this stuff. I do keep trying but it doesn't work all the time, I'm seeing a counselor who will hopefully help me out, but it's really tough, I'm trying to deal with why I do get angry at times and yeah it's normal although it's harder when this lupron drug is in my system putting me through menapause.

My husband doesn't think he is giving up easily on us, he said he's asked me to make some changes and I haven't done so and he's been asking me for 4 years now.

Believe me I don't really want to give up but these circles we keep going in can't be healthy for both of us.

Thank you for posting this, I am trying believe me, it's very hard right now with things and $$ problems just tend to make things worse in our case I think.

"I once remember watching a Dr Phil episode, he actually said it only takes one person in a relationship to make changes, i always thought it took two also, but if that person makes changes, then the other automatically does as well, responding to you."

Thank you for taking the time to write to me.
Melissa

Oh my dear Melissa, i am so sorry to read all of this, i did not realise how much pressure you were under, not only financially but emotionally.

Sadly i can only offer you some advice, not that i am any expert, but i have been married for coming up 19 years, and it has not always been easy, we have had our ups and downs and nearly split up a few times, but if you love each other and you say you do, you just have to keep trying at it, sometimes there is no chance, but from what you say, there is no violence, cheating etc, so i think it is well worth another shot, three years is not long to be married in my eyes.

I think way too many people give up so soon these days in marriage,i certainly don't suggest anyone should stay in a bad or violent marriage, but we all have things that irritate us, or need working out, you just have to be prepared to do the hard work, marriage is not easy by any means, even if you are the best of friends and love one another,sometimes it is the little petty things that cause so many problems, in hindsight you realise just how stupid it is to be arguing over those things, but we still do it,I just say don't give up yet sweetheart,there sounds like a lot worth saving in your marriage.

And personally for us we found the first few years our hardest, we were older though and i already had a child from a previous marriage, so there were other things that came in to it, we were both set in our ways and had to become used to each other.

I don't really know the depth of your problems and i am not going to pry, that is personal,but they don't sound to serious from what you have shared with us.

I once remember watching a Dr Phil episode, he actually said it only takes one person in a relationship to make changes, i always thought it took two also, but if that person makes changes, then the other automatically does as well, responding to you.

I hope you do try to give your marriage another chance,with all the other things going on, it is also contributing to the strain in your marriage, remember that, and even if he does not go to counselling you keep at it, it will help you no matter what decisions are made.

I am thinking of you and hoping things improve on both fronts, take care and giant hugs.

[carole]

Melissa only you and you alone know just what the real problems are and if they are able to be worked through, the fact you are going through menopause at such a young age will obviously have an effect, believe me i know i am going through it myself, and it is indeed for me a miserable time, i never knew it would be this bad, so i can well empathise with you, and to be so young, well that just is not plain fair at all,it certainly could explain some of the anger you are feeling.

I can only hope you can work things out,but if you really feel you are better apart then maybe that is what is for the best,but working on your own issues as you are doing can only be beneficial for you in the long run, i wish you well, and if you ever need to pm me feel free, always here for a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. take care.

[Anikaca77]

Thank you Carol. I really appreciate it and may take you up on your offer sometime soon.

Last night was another bad night, he took off his ring and now who knows. I'm broke as broke can be, he's broke, our cats have food and we have some so that's what matters the most.

I just hope I have enough in gas for the next 2 weeks but I'm sure I'll manage somehow. I listed pants up on craigslist for $5 a piece, they are Lane Bryant jeans, I thought that was a good deal because I haven't worn them at all but no one seems to be interested.

Yet to boot, my left knee is killing me again and I called the orthos to see what if anything they can do, it's really hurting, it hurt really bad last night and I just don't know if it's really from my back or not I don't know.

Melissa

[Catty1]

Just a thought, hon - you mentioned a few posts ago that you didn't have anywhere to go IF you two split.

It isn't necessarily you that has to leave. It sounds like he is the one that has been giving ultimatums (for four years???). He may have a co-worker that can put him up for a while.

I hope you both can get some counselling support soon.

[Queen of Poop]

I'm sorry he's taken his ring off. That's not good, has he given up? It's unfortunate that in this difficult financial time you both can't cling to each other rather than go the opposite way. I am so very sorry.

Maybe some time apart will make the heart grow fonder. Could he stay with a friend or something for a few days?

On a positive note, you have your kitties. Give them each a hug, that should make you feel just a little better. It works for me, Cali and Diego have been real troopers thru this, letting me hug them up and all. Of course after there is the required Whiskas payment that must be made.

Keep moving forward sweetie, it is a tough road, but you are strong, you can do it. I have faith in you.

[Anikaca77]

He said that he won't be putting his ring back on until I stop the pissy attitude. I'm going back to my sister this weekend because she is having surgery tomorrow, I'm not sure how I'm going to come up with the cash to get there and back. I'd ask her for $$ but she has to pay $500 tomorrow for her surgery it's a dedutible thing, and then she'll have to pay out another $500 for the proper orthodics. So I can't ask her but I'm hoping with me being gone from Thursday late in the evening till Sunday it will give us a little time to think about whether we really do want this to work and if it can work. I love our cats so much and he does too. We would both suffer there with missing the 5 we wouldn't have.

I can't take out any loans through my retirement fund which if I could I would really consider doing because I really could use the extra cash to get caught up on everything.

Thanks for writing to me.
Melissa

[pomtzu]

I can't take out any loans through my retirement fund which if I could I would really consider doing because I really could use the extra cash to get caught up on everything.

A lot of plans (401's anyway), have a "hardship" clause. Have you looked into this?

[Cataholic]

He said that he won't be putting his ring back on until I stop the pissy attitude. I'm going back to my sister this weekend because she is having surgery tomorrow, I'm not sure how I'm going to come up with the cash to get there and back. I'd ask her for $$ but she has to pay $500 tomorrow for her surgery it's a dedutible thing, and then she'll have to pay out another $500 for the proper orthodics. So I can't ask her but I'm hoping with me being gone from Thursday late in the evening till Sunday it will give us a little time to think about whether we really do want this to work and if it can work. I love our cats so much and he does too. We would both suffer there with missing the 5 we wouldn't have.

I can't take out any loans through my retirement fund which if I could I would really consider doing because I really could use the extra cash to get caught up on everything.

Thanks for writing to me.
Melissa

I find myself, sometimes, in such a tizzy that I don't stop and look around, and really examine where I am going and where I am, presently.

When I read the above, about you going to your sister's, the first thing that came to my mind was WHY? You have no money, you have, seemingly, no extra energy right now to devote to anyone, let alone yourself, WHY are you doing anything but taking it very, very, very easy in terms of stress, emotional and physical demands (whether it be your sister or your husband, or rescue cats), commitments, etc.

To me- IMO- you need to stop, and relax (as much as possible), say 'no thank you' to any extra time commitments/activities, etc. You need to say to your husband, "for the time being, let's just agree to co-exist without ANY 'heavy' talks". You need time to sit and reflect and stop the pin-ball actions that are sending you in a different direction at every term. You need to let go of trying to control this situation that for the time being has no possibility of being controlled.

I would stop posting stuff on Craigslist, I wouldn't ask my employer for money, I wouldn't go to my sister's, I wouldn't do anything unless I absolutely had to for my personal safety. I would just stop. And rest. And reflect. You are in such a state right now that I fear for your mental health.

[Anikaca77]

Just a thought, hon - you mentioned a few posts ago that you didn't have anywhere to go IF you two split.

It isn't necessarily you that has to leave. It sounds like he is the one that has been giving ultimatums (for four years???). He may have a co-worker that can put him up for a while.

I hope you both can get some counselling support soon.

The only thing with that is I can't afford rent by myself. I know I could go to my parents but that would be a last resort due to all the issues growing up and dealing with my parents fighting and all that.

I am in couseling so at least I'm getting some support and here as well, it's just tough when you have to deal with the relationship issue and then pile all this other $$ stressers ontop of it you know. THank you though very much.

Melissa