Barney is an Angel Now.

[weluvcats]

I just read your post...My heart breaks for you and for what you are facing this week. Please don't apologize about "going back and forth" with this decision. It is a horrendous place to be.I have been exactly where you are more than once, most recently last June. Your story with your Barney sounds so much like what we went through with our beloved Billy. He had chronic renal failure, and he was at the end and was just skin and bones. The only decision left was 'when'. We were giving him sub-q fluids at home, and I had enough to last him till Tuesday of the week he died, so I scheduled the appt. for Tuesday morning thinking that that would be a logical day, unless something changed. But, that weekend, he went south on us, despite some good moments when he would seem to perk up(bless his precious little heart). Monday morning, he had essentially stopped eating (even his favorite, tuna) or really drinking, and it was obvious he had had enough. I called my husband at work and he came home, and we decided that we couldn't make him wait another day. I called our vet, and we took him in about an hour or so later.
I guess the reason I'm telling you this is that there is no perfect time for this. We had prepared ourselves for Tuesday, but fate intervened, and it became Monday. And you know, it was okay...He had had enough, and Billy, bless his heart, hated the vet. He NEVER in his life purred at the vet-EVER. But, right after he was given the sedative, he looked me right in the eyes(I was sitting right in front of him), and for the first time in the last twelve hours of his life, he really saw me and smiled (you know how cats 'smile' with their eyes?)...I could see it in his eyes, and he started purring, and I told him that we loved him, and God bless him, that is how he left us. I will never forget it as long as I live... It was time.
Lara, I think you just have to ask yourself, "Will tomorrow be better(or worse) than today for Barney, or will it just be more of the same?...Is he really living, or is he just existing?" That is how we made our decision to let Billy go. Maybe, this will help you with your decision. Our hugs and prayers are with you all...
Judy

[MBones]

Lara,

Thanks for the update on Barney. My heart breaks for him, and for you. I must say, he is one determined kitty though! I mean, the issues with his ears and the tumors and all. I was wondering if the bald spot behind his right ear was the exposed tumor, is that correct? If so, does he seem to be in pain? He certainly does seem determined, what with his appetite and following you around, though. Boy, he is one tough old boy, which makes the question of "when" all the more difficult. We've all been there and know how tough it is and with doubts and all of the second guessing that occurs. And they don't always help us out since they try are so stoic and try to hide their pain and discomfort.

With Emma, our RB kitty, we thought it might be her time on a Friday evening; she was in chronic renal failure and had trouble breathing. She had went downhill so fast from the day before that I thought it was her sign for us to let her go. We didn't leave her sight and tried to stay awake all night in the event that something happened, as we had made plans with our vet to come over the following Saturday afternoon and end her suffering. Lo and behold, she was still with us on Saturday morning; in fact, we couldn't find her. She had summoned up reserves of strength from somewhere and had walked across the room and found a new place in which to lie down! Talk about second guessing our decision, but she declined again a few hours later and we did indeed know that she wasn't going to be getting any better at that point.

I guess the point of all of my babbling on is that I understand what you are going through, and what weluvcats says up above is that there will never be a perfect time is so true, and her comments that

"I think you just have to ask yourself, "Will tomorrow be better(or worse) than today for Barney, or will it just be more of the same?...Is he really living, or is he just existing?"

are wise ones indeed. I just feel for you; I can't begin to imagine how you (and all of us here at PT) are going to be missing him. He's such an inspiration. Remember that he has known comfort and love with you and you have made such a difference in his life.

Darn it, my monitor is getting blurry again. Do you suppose there's something I can do to fix that? (Don't answer, it's rhetorical.)

Give Barney a hug and a scritch from me too. I will be thinking of you both and praying for strength, love, and peace for you and Barney this week. Wish that I could do more.

Mary

[Medusa]

Lara, this is the worst possible position to be in, knowing that you have to help Barney to the Bridge but not knowing just the right time. When I was going back and forth w/Puddy, even when I called my vet and said that I was on my way in w/her because she couldn't breathe, the sweet little girl still walked over to her food dish and tried to eat some chicken before we left. It was heartbreaking. Once this is all over, though, you'll take a sigh of relief because you'll know that Barney is at peace and in no more pain and the awful demon of indecision will be off your back. As you know, we're all there w/you in spirit, holding your hand and stroking Barney every step of the way.

[pomtzu]

It's difficult to know what to say right now, without being redundant. So let me just say thank you Lara and Scott, for giving meaning to life for Barney, when his life prior to life with you, had no meaning for him at all - just an everyday fight for existence. And to you Barney - thank you for bringing a world of strangers together in love. That was quiet an accomplishment - and you did one heck of a job!!! When the day comes - Godspeed sweet boy - you will be missed!

And now I need to go clean my blurry screen also........

[Randi]

Lara, my heart is breaking and I'm all teared up that you have to make this decision, but you have to think the way Mary described below.

I think you just have to ask yourself, "Will tomorrow be better(or worse) than today for Barney, or will it just be more of the same?...Is he really living, or is he just existing?

Barney have been such a trooper and you have done absolutely everything you could for him - thank you for that! Barney has known love in his last few months and that is what matters now.

Lara, we're right here with you and Barney in spirit, sending all our love and strength to get through this. Sit with Barney whenever you can and tell him how much we all love him.

I like that you will have the vet give him a sedative, then Barney will be feeling good when he leaves, and you will rememeber him that way. I'm also glad that you will have him cremated - pick a wonderful spot in your garden and you can visit and put flowers and little toys for him.

Hugs to you and lots of kisses to dear sweet Barney.

[Medusa]

I like that you will have the vet give him a sedative, then Barney will be feeling good when he leaves

This is what my vet did for Puddy and it made a big difference. Even though she was struggling to breathe, after the sedative and pain killer, she didn't even need to be PTS. She took her last breath in peace and, hopefully, it will be this way w/our Barney, too.

[Taz_Zoee]

I also have the monitor blurring problem every time I come to this thread. Most others here on PT have been through this once or several times. I have not. I have lost many animals but usually naturally or it was someone else's decision to let them go. Each time I read about someone having to make this decision and go through this it tears me up because I know someday I will be the one having to make the decision. I do take comfort in the fact that I have my PT family to help me through it. Just as we are all here for you, Lara.

[Catty1]

Lara, I think of Tiger and what a trooper he was too...except Barney does take his meds like a good boy!

An appointment for Barney doesn't have to be "the" appointment - though you and all of us know it probably will be. Unless Scott wants to be there, you can certainly ask Trudy what she thinks - "if it was your cat", that sort of thing. She may give him a bit more insulin and inject the tumour with pred...or she may suggest he go to the RB. She is the expert - you are the boss.

Like my mom's ancient Siamese, we hoped he would go in his sleep. He never did! He had mini-strokes, I think - so by the time she DID take him to the vet for his RB trip, he was so out of it that when I opened the carrier outside in the sunshine for him, he just stayed standing facing the back of the carrier...as he had for the car trip. He was 19 1/2.

So - it IS tough when they don't give you the sign. It's easy to think he goes back to his room to "be served" - he is a cat, after all!

When I was stuck on this type of decision years ago, I asked the vet, "If I did decide to put him to sleep, would you think it was an inappropriate decision?" Immediately she said, "Not at all."

You know as well as any of us that the vet can't make the decision...but there is a way to get their opinion without putting them on the spot.

Did you give Barney kisses for me? Even if you did, can you give him a few more?

Bless you and your heart - you will do the right thing when it is time.

[Taz_Zoee]

I will be at work at this time, so I will make sure I have enough tissue ready, because I know I will need them.

Hugs to you, Lara. And please give Barney a little one for me too.

[Lizzie]

Many of us know what you are going through, the churning stomach, the waking in the night, the tears choking you when you are trying to eat, the ever-present worry, and we are here for you in spirit, and will be when the time comes.

I have also experienced feeding a cat with cancer and realizing all that nutrition was simply nourishing the tumor(s); it's so gut-wrenching because you are doing your best to help the cat fight the disease and it feels as though you are simply making the cancer stronger. I've also had to make the decision to take in a cat when they are still able and willing to eat, and, like you, I've wished that they would stop to make it easier for me. Both Ginger and Nougat ate the morning of the day I took them in, but I haven't felt the slightest guilt about helping them leave this world when I did.

Given the way you describe Barney now, in your place I would take him in tomorrow. After going through this many times, coping with all kinds of guilt and self-recriminations afterward, I've realized that the only time I feel guilt about euthanasia is when I've put it off until my cat is almost begging to die. These days, I'd rather help them leave while they can still enjoy the touch of my hand.

I always go with a sedative first so I can hold them and talk to them for as long as I want before the final shot. It's such a relief to see them relax as the pain and strain of illness leave them. I'm sure Barney will look at you with thankfulness and love as he's sedated.

[kb2yjx]

Lara, I have a book " Complete Care for Your Aging Cat " by Amy D. Shojai. Chapter 6 Making Choices is excellent. " There is NO wrong answer," regarding making the final descision. " Yes, this is hard. It hurts, In a strange way, it's suppose to be hard. It wouldn't be so difficult if you didn't care so much."

" A hard decision is often the right decision when it comes out of love for your cat. Any choice you make that based on love and concern for your cat's welfare CANNOT BE WRONG."

I have made this FINAL decision too many times in the past year(4 times), it is never easy, but you have to trust your heart, and know that you ARE doing the right thing. I do not think anyone here would ever question your judgement. You are the one who is with Barney daily. And you know him best.

Just remember what my vet said about the cats wanting us to remember them " good " and not that they were so ill.....I send you prayers(for Barney, too) and HUGS for you, too!!!