Quote Originally Posted by pomtzu View Post
I had to smile watching Barney's last video. He's warm and dry and has a full belly - it almost makes one forget how sick he really is. I couldn't help but think "it's not time yet", but Lara, you are the one who sees him everyday and knows what's best for him...
I have that 'it's not time yet' feeling every morning. He jumps up when I open the door and walks over to me, waiting for me to put the plate of food on the floor. It's our usual routine so he knows I have food. I learned from another PT'r in a PM who is a nurse that even though he remains hungry, the fact that he continues to waste away means the cancer is stealing all the nutrition. I needed to know that because his appetite is so strong and makes this decision unbearable. Part of me wishes he would stop eating so I could be more comfortable with this and I know how awful that sounds but that's where I'm at.
I certainly wouldn't put him down if it was just that he was skinny because he's always been thin. But he's thinner than ever and his ears are really causing him grief. He twitches them constantly and scratches them and the exposed tumor so often that his left back foot is stained with blood. I clean the walls each morning to get the yucky stuff that flies out of his ears when he shakes his head.
He will come out of his room if I coax him but now he only comes if he thinks I'm dishing up food. He tends to head back to his room by himself and sits where I usually put his food. It's his main focus now.
I've got the heat cranked in the bathroom so he is really cozy. My husband is complaining about it but I don't care. I want his last days to be as comfortable as possible.
I contacted the clinic on Saturday and Barney's vet isn't in on Monday. But she does work Tues, Wed and Friday. I feel absolutely sick about picking a day. I know I just need to get on with it but I literally feel sick about it.
The other thing is that I have just enough insulin to last until Tuesday morning. I suppose if I thought Barney should/could stay with me until Friday, I could pick up another vial of insulin tomorrow. We are going to town anyway. My husband already doesn't understand why I'm postponing it. I work on Friday but could get someone to work for me.
When I make the appointment, I will make sure the vet gives him a sedative first so he's pretty much out of it by the time they put him down. I'm going to have him cremated as well. There is a non-private cremation where you don't get the ashes back but I feel like in all this time, he didn't have a family and now he does. And this family wants to remember him and sprinkle his ashes in the garden just like all of the other pets we've had. I want him to know in spirit that he meant enough to me to treat him the way I would treat any other of my cats when their time comes.

So, I'm sorry for going back and forth about this. I wish it was a clear decision and it just hasn't been. I do know with certainty that it will be this week. I just need to set the appointment for either Tuesday, Wednesday or Friday. I should know by tomorrow what will happen and will post. Thanks for all your support you guys. This is just the worst and I've had butterflies in my stomach for days now.