Gonna be an EXPENSIVE new year!

[kuhio98]

Kim ~ I am so happy for you all.

I hate to inject a little bit of negative in this, but to be on the safe side, get a plan that you and Grant agree on for if/when she can't make a go of it and wants to move back home. You and Grant need to be on the same page on that one -- and how you will handle her using Cameron as a bargaining chip. Don't let her work you guys against each other.

[catnapper]

Kim ~ I am so happy for you all.

I hate to inject a little bit of negative in this, but to be on the safe side, get a plan that you and Grant agree on for if/when she can't make a go of it and wants to move back home. You and Grant need to be on the same page on that one -- and how you will handle her using Cameron as a bargaining chip. Don't let her work you guys against each other.

Trust me, she is NOT going to move back in. Once she's out, she's not coming back. I had a therapy session again today and both my therapist and hubby's therapist agree she's borderline personality. They insist the best way to deal with people with that diagnosis is to not fight with them, not feed into their crap. You need to lay it on the line, "this is how its going to be, and if you don't like it, tough." and then don't argue or get involved in a war of words because we won't win. We just have to grow a thick skin and force ourselves to not care anymore because she's incapable of caring herself. Sounds awful and mean, but its just the way you have to be in order to save your own sanity when a Borderline Personality is in your life. We've been SO much happier since we've been looking at things this way.

[Zippy]

If you think she has a mental illness I would advise you get her help.

here is a link on BPD:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publi...disorder.shtml

If she has a mental illness the way she is acting isn't her fault.She needs to see a doctor.

[Twisterdog]

That is a huge relief, I know.

My husband and I are going the rounds right now in a huge way because his grown daughter just got evicted from her apartment for not paying the rent, is behind on all her utilites and got fired from her job. She has a drug problem, and is a MAJOR "female dog". I cannot stand to be in the same room with the woman for five minutes. Plus, she has lived with us FOUR separate times, each time ending in disaster. This time, I said no. I told my husband he was welcome to bail her out and live with her, but it wouldn't be in this house, with me. Ugly ultimatum, I know, but I have had enough. So, time will tell, I guess ...

I fully understand the "evil step-mother" routine. I get blamed for everything from the weather to the phases of the moon. Whatever.

If I had known then what I know now ....

[Laura's Babies]

Yep, you and hubby get on the same page when she falls flat and has nowhere to go and shows back up on your door!

Hay, I told my own son "NO!" when he and his 1st wife had nowhere to go. I told them both, you are where you are because of the choices YOU made, so go live with your choices.. The kids however were another matter, they had no choice so I took the kids in..

[catnapper]

I fully understand the "evil step-mother" routine. I get blamed for everything from the weather to the phases of the moon. Whatever.

You too? Man, we evil step mothers have some major magical powers, eh?

As for help for Ashley.... you can only help those that are willing to be helped. She still swears she has no problem and I'm the one with the problem. She is 100% classic BPD. I swear, if you look it up, you'll be reading all about Ashley. And the doctor says, most of them refuse to come to the sessions. When they do, its only to see what is being said about them and what the doctor knows. Then when they do talk, its telling a little story to manipulate the doctor's opinion of them. But the doctors know they're being manipulated so it doesn't work.

I've been learnign a lot about BPD.... much more than I ever imagined I would. It breaks my heart to learn the truth about her and the disorder because there's nothing you can do to "cure" BPD. Medicines don't do much because its as if they are robots; they don't know what to feel or how to feel. They think they do, but they are incapable of it. They thrive on making trouble and ruining other relationships. They are often highly intelligent because they have to be one step ahead of everyone else. They are often very good looking and charming when you first meet them.

I found a group meeting that I start going to tomorrow to deal with anxiety related to dealing with Ashley. People are all there for different reasons, but its basically a group that learn meditation techniques and such. There's not much talking aqbout your problems.

[Medusa]

I was in a relationship w/a man w/BPD and believe me, it was no picnic. I was beginning to think that I was the one w/the problem until I started researching on the internet and when I approached him on the subject, he admitted that a psychologist told him that he was BPD and he had been having phone counseling sessions for years. I still tried to make it work but, as you say, there is no cure, only treatment, and they have to want it. He didn't want it and I'd had enough of his manipulation so I ended the relationship. It's an even tougher situation w/you because it's family. I don't envy you but I admire your courage and strength.

[moosmom]

I don't envy you but I admire your courage and strength

You are one strong person, Kim. If all the crap you've been through didn't dampen your spirits, I say you've made it. You're a stronger person than I am. Your "tough love" and your commitment to Grant are to be commended. Have a wonderful, peaceful Christmas!!

[kimlovescats]

You know that I for one know exactly what you are going through. I hope and pray that Ashley will learn and grow once she moves out but you also know how many times my daughter kept coming back and forth. I think we finally have made it clear that she can't do that anymore. It breaks my heart but she refuses to get the help she needs or stay on her medication. EVEN WHEN IT WAS FREE!!!! THAT is where it is frustrating .... the illness is not her fault but you can only help a person as much as you can, then they HAVE to realize they need to help themselves. My daughter is still mooching off of everyone she can find, and although she loves her baby girl, she is nowhere near to trying to make a life for them together.

My heart goes out to you all, Kim!

[jennielynn1970]

She is 100% classic BPD.

It breaks my heart to learn the truth about her and the disorder because there's nothing you can do to "cure" BPD. Medicines don't do much because its as if they are robots; they don't know what to feel or how to feel. They think they do, but they are incapable of it. They thrive on making trouble and ruining other relationships. They are often highly intelligent because they have to be one step ahead of everyone else. They are often very good looking and charming when you first meet them.

Sadly, this reminds me of someone else who had been on pet talk who hasn't been seen or heard from lately. Another one who needs help but refuses to get it, or just gets what she wants out of the docs and then flips out when she feels no one is helping her the way she wants to be helped. I miss her, but I feel much less stressed with her out of the picture.

[moosmom]

Amen, Jenn!!!

[Twisterdog]

they don't know what to feel or how to feel. They think they do, but they are incapable of it. They thrive on making trouble and ruining other relationships. They are often highly intelligent because they have to be one step ahead of everyone else. They are often very good looking and charming when you first meet them.

Yikes ... that sounds EXACTLY like my sister.