I apologize for not posting lately about Puddy. So many of you have been so helpful and encouraging, I don't want you to think for a moment that I'm ungrateful. I know that I've been remiss in extending birthday well wishes and prayers for those who have suffered tragedies and are experiencing pain in their lives and I apologize for that as well. I've just been physically and mentally exhausted, so much so, that I fell down the stairs the other day and got bruised up pretty good. I keep a baby gate at the top of the stairs in order to keep Puddy isolated from the rest of the Fur Posse. I can't put the gate at the bottom of the stairs because there are posts in the hand railing that the cats can squeeze through and go upstairs anyhow. Well, I always lift my legs over the baby gate rather than unlock it and remove it because I felt that was safer to do. I was wrong. I was so exhausted that I was careless; my foot caught on the gate and down I went. Fortunately, I only went half way down because I managed to grab onto the railing but I hit my back and ribs and the baby gate hit me in a very delicate area, if you get my drift. (It got caught between my legs.) It hurts a little to breathe and it's now painful to go to the bathroom, so Puddy and I make quite a pair. Plus I've been dealing w/this painful jaw and my surgeon told me that I can do one more round of antibiotics and, if it doesn't work, then we have to reassess. I know what reassess means: surgery.

I was nearly to the point of having Puddy PTS; I even called my local vet to talk to her about it because, even w/a shortcut to Dr. Lee's, it's a good 45 minute drive which will seem an eternity for such a task as I would be doing and I would probably lose my resolve. When I called to talk to Dr. Lee about it, I was told he's on vacation again and won't be back until Monday, so I talked to my next favorite vet there and he told me something that startled me. He said that the Selegiline usually takes 6-8 weeks before it starts working. I said "What? Dr. Lee said 10 days." He paused and said "Well, I guess he was thinking of the best case scenario and it's possible, I suppose, but really, this is a 'big picture' drug. You have to look at things long term". I was in my car when he told me this and I started crying so hard that I had to pull the car over. If Puddy didn't have chronic renal failure while operating on one kidney, anemia, gingivitis and a growth growing near her spine, I'd say that 6-8 weeks isn't that long. But she does have all those things and 6-8 weeks is terribly long. It isn't like Dr. Lee not to be a straight shooter, so I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. He may be exhausted, too, and I don't begrudge him a vacation. I left a message for him to return my call early Monday morning and I'm going to mention the B-12 shots to him and if I detect anything in his response that doesn't sound right to me, then I'll know that Puddy's time has come.

Having lived alone for 12 years now, I've learned to carry burdens w/out complaint but things are so much easier to bear when you have a partner, even a roommate who can share your sorrow or, in this instance, look at Puddy and say "Yes, Mary, you're making the right decision" or "No, Mary, I'd wait". I'm having to use my best judgment and trust my instincts, which have never failed me before, but then, I've never observed senility in any of my pets before. This is by far the cruelest of conditions because animals can't talk and let us know if our definition of quality of life meets their definition. This is what has caused me so much inner turmoil, wondering whether I should wait just one more week or one more day and agonizing if I'm putting her through misery while waiting.

So. If after talking to Dr. Lee tomorrow I feel worse rather than better, then my decision will have been made. I spoke to my son on the phone yesterday and he said "Mom, I've talked to you 6 times in the last couple of weeks and all 6 times you've cried so hard. You can't keep going like this and neither can Puddy".