Hi Catnapper. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like you are a very strong person though so somehow, someway, you're going to make it through this.
I read all of your posts and it sounds so frustrating that your husband isn't helping to correct this situation. I thought I'd recommend a book that my brother read (he's 44) and he said this book has changed his life. It's called WILD AT HEART and is written by John Eldredge. I have not read it yet but I intend to read it in a few weeks. But it's basically about showing men how to be good fathers, sons, friends etc.. and how to be strong and firm but loving. I signed a copy of this book out from the library for my husband and he is reading it right now. Every time he puts the book down he says to me "ya, this book is pretty incredible". He and my brother say that the book helps men realize why they do the things they do because of how they were raised etc.. and how it goes back to how their father were raised and so on. It helps them see how the pattern has developed over time so they can stop it and become the best man possible here and now.
Anyway, it just occured to me that if your hubby was up for reading it, he might get something from it and make the decision himself to change rather than changing because others are telling him to. I know my hubby HATES being told what he should be doing, even if what I'm saying makes all the sense in the world!!! But if I can somehow get him to come up with the idea himself, or at least let him think he is...LOL then he is so much more willing to change or do whatever needs doing.
Below is a link to an Amazon site that has a link with over 300 reviews by people (mostly men) who have read the book.
Take care. I'm praying for you and your family that peace will be yours in the very near future.

link about Wild at Heart book