I need help....

[catnapper]

I'm at my wit's end with the kids. One in particular. I can't even recount their activities in the past few months --- believe me, its enough to write a few winning story lines for daytime dramas. They HAVE turned violent and hit both me and hubby. They knocked one of their siblings out and gave them a concussion. Hubby kicked them out, and like usual, they came back home right away and everyone pretends nothing happened. This kid needs help! WE need help!

Do you think hubby pushed them to see a doctor and get US a mediator or therapist? noooooo..... that would require actually admitting there is a problem. He seems to take the "pretend its not happening" way of dealing with it.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I'm tired of hiding out in my room, and going to work early/staying late - going in on my day off just to avoid this "child". This is MY HOME TOO! I'm tired of fighting with hubby about something he knows I'm right on, something he agrees with me on. Then when it comes time to enforcing it, he chickens out. He doesn't even want to talk about it because he KNOWS I'm right, but KNOWS he's completely incapable of making his kid do what they need to do (God forbid he makes them do something that will make them mad at him! ) When we "discuss" this whole situation, he is constantly telling me to stop telling him things he already knows. He KNOWS. I know he knows. I just can't figure out why he can't implement action for something he knows.

I need a good website for advice and perhaps a place to vent freely with complete anonimity. SO MUCH has happened that I can't even start to admit whats happening here, I'm not comfortable admitting it here where everyone "knows" me.

I can tell you that whatever happens, it can NOT come from me. It HAS to come from hubby. This child will NOT accept anything from me. They pretend I don't exist, which is fine with me because I prefer that to having them unleash their anger on me. I need a website that will help me help hubby see what he needs to do. I need a new tactic. Apparently the hundred tactics I've tried haven't been effective.

[Laura's Babies]

First off, it IS just as much abuse when a child hits a parent as it is when the parent hits a child. If this child get violent again, call the police and have it documented!

Hubby can ignore and pretend all he wants but things will only continue to escalate....this problem will NOT go away. Have you tried the failing your responsiability as a parent by allowing him/her to act like this? ONE child should not be allowed to disrupt a household like that and get away with it and no one should have to live under that kind of stress. How long does he expect you to have to live on egg shells like this?

I would have to ask hubby, just where does he see this all going? What outcome does he see if he continues to do nothing? This child is screaming out for help so why isn't he doing something to help him/her? He needs to be finding out what is going on in the childs life that changed him/her and turned him/her into this monster. Where is his parenting resposiability/feelings gone?

In todays world, it is far to scarey to have a child acting like this, something is wrong, terriably wrong and somebody needs to find out WHAT!

[lizbud]

I can't really give you any helpful advise. I can tell you what I would do.
Considering all that has been going on at your house, hubby & kids need
a BIG wakeup call.There comes a time when words are not enough. I
would pack my bags & leave.

[Sevaede]

I agree with above posts.

I have been involved in a VERY similar situation before. If you'd like, I'll PM you and we can relate!

[Catty1]

Leave. Til they fix themselves.

[Jessika]

I can't really give you any helpful advise. I can tell you what I would do.
Considering all that has been going on at your house, hubby & kids need
a BIG wakeup call.There comes a time when words are not enough. I
would pack my bags & leave.

I know I've never had any kids, and right now my husband is my #1 shoulder to lean on when I'm experiencing a rough time, and the one person I go to to help me or take care of situations I can't handle. So if I went to him with this problem, and he wouldn't do anything, knowing how physically and mentally hurt I was, that would absolutely break my heart that he wouldn't do anything about it.

I would have to agree, I would pack my bags and leave. Give at least hubby a wake-up call so he might grow a pair and do something about the situation.

[kuhio98]

Kim ~ I don't think a good website is what you need. And though I hate it when the police are called in to parent, I think that may be just what you guys need. I would press charges for assault. Once a complaint is filed, it will force the issue. Hubby seems to know the problem but also knows he's not capable of taking the steps to get these kids the help they need. It sounds like they have never been held responsible for their actions.

It may or may not be too late for them to learn, but you can save Cameron lots of future grief if the whole family is given a wake-up call.

I'm so sorry you have to be the grownup and make these decisions. I wish hubby was strong enough, but he's not, so it looks like its up to you.

[moosmom]

Lizbud and Laura's Babies gave you great advice. Your husband needs to grow a spine and get things under control. It's NOT going to get better AND it's not the best environment to raise Camden in. Children are a product of their environment. If he sees your kids smacking you around, he'll thinks it's okay.

Catty1 is right. Pack your backs and leave until they fix themselves. Enough is enough.

[Catlady711]

Maybe I'm alot more stubborn and bull headed (hubby says I am) but when we had his daughter living here for 3 months (her mom dumped her off without warning and had no contact for the entire time) I had a similar problem with hubby. Thankfully his daughter was never violent but hubby would never do what was right in correcting her from her badmouthing, and not obeying simple rules.

I figure I married him, so she's MY step daughter and I should have a part in her raising when she's living in MY house! I took the initiative and took care of business. Since hubby didn't want to deal with the situation anyways he grumbled to me a bit about my tactics but let me do what needed doing.

Had she have been violent to the point of knocking someone out then I'd be on the phone to the police and maybe a couple hours in a jail cell would chill her butt out and make her realize that actions have consequences.

That's just me though, I don't know that everyone could/would react the same way in similar circumstances.

[Freedom]

They knocked one of their siblings out and gave them a concussion.

Is this child who was knocked out a minor? Were the police notified? Was the child taken to hospital? Did the hospital report it?

You need to take care of yourself. If this child is a minor, take this one with you, along with the pets. GET OUT. Then figure out what to do next.

[Medusa]

Once the police are involved, a whole different dynamic enters the picture. Understand that I'm not telling you to not call the police, just forewarning you that things change when the police become involved. That being said, are any of these kids minors? (I have a friend who refers to her son as "my child" and he's 19 and huge. He never became physically violent w/her but his behavior was/is unacceptable and I told her to stop calling him a child, that he's a young adult who is old enough to know better.)

You are not a punching bag. NO ONE has a right to put their hands on you at any time for any reason. I can only imagine how I would feel if my son was physically violent w/me; it would break my heart. However, once I got over the heartbreak, I would contact my attorney and seek his counsel. He can advise you as to whether or not the police should be involved. Whatever the case, DO NOT allow anyone to put their hands on you again. If your husband wants to keep his wishbone instead of a backbone, that's his business. Leave the house, find a safe place and DO NOT tell anyone where you are and that includes your husband. CALL YOUR ATTORNEY! And please keep us posted. I'll be burning candles for you......

[kimlovescats]

Kim, you know that we have talked quite a bit about this situation and our common problems with our "adult" girls. I agree that you all need to kick her out and call the police if she ever gets violent with any of you again! Also, you know that I know how HARD it is to practice the tough love thing with your child ... so I'm not the best one to give that advice, though I know it is what is best!

My Amy Beth just moved out again, into a rental house that I found for her. She would have sat on her butt for weeks here if I didn't make sure she got a place to stay. Anyway, this house is shared with 2 other roommates and she only has to pay $235 per month and 1/3 of the utilities. There is no way she could find anything less, because I looked and I know!!!
Anyway, she did start going to our Guidance Center again and working with a case manager. The Guidance Center actually PAID for her 1st month's rent and her $200 depositi! In return, she is supposed to keep coming to her counselling sessions and take her FREE meds. ALL OF THIS SERVICE IS FREE to her and they will get her back on TennCare (FREE insurance). So ALL she has to do is take it all and keep doing so. Will she do it? I have my doubts, because she has stopped going to meetings before, quit her meds and gotten kicked off the insurance! Amy Beth is definitely bi-polar (as am I) and she simply MUST stay on her medication. The doctor has started her on meds for the BP and will soon add one in for her ADHD as well. Everything is lined up to go very well for Amy Beth, but it is still up to HER to take the help and use it for what it is intended!!! THAT is the problem ... will she do it THIS time?

Your daughter simply MUST get a correct diagnosis and get started on medications for it! You've got to convince her that her life will be so much better and she will feel so much happier and productive if she gets the right meds! It might take some testing and tweaking to find the right doses and combinations, but in the end it is SOOOOOOOO worth it!

I pray that she will go to her appointment that you have scheduled for her, Kim! Please remember that I am here for you as always!

((((HUGS))))
Kim

[Laura's Babies]

If Bipolar is in the family and she is acting like this, it is a sure bet she has it too. To bad hubby didn't want to reconize this and have all of you go through all this. I tell you one thing, I would let her know if she refuses treatment, she is 18 and can and will be thrown out of the house.. That sounds harsh but before she gets on the meds and gets the benifits from it, she is still going to act out. I am sure she thinks there is nothing wrong with how she is acting, that it is the rest of the world that has a problem, not her!

I recently worked with a guy who is bipolar and on the meds and he said he can not believe what his family went through because of him and he is SO ashamed of himself for how he treated them then.

[emily_the_spoiled]

If she does get violent again there is always the possibility of having her committed for evaluation involunatarily...you would have to check with a lawyer to see what the requirements are in PA.