I need help....

[NoahsMommy]

Kim,

First, this is your home, your life...so I'll support you in whatever you feel is right.

Second, I don't know if you know who Dr. Laura is...but she sounds a lot like the "Meanest Mom in the World" ad. She is very, very, very ethical and is a no nonsence type of woman. She has a radio show and is a pyschologist. One day a man called in to say that his step-son had gotten voilent with his wife, the boys mother. This boy was around 15 or 16 and seemed to have no other father figure until this step dad came along...so he obviously had some issues. Anyway, Dr. Laura had some EXCELLENT advice in my opinion.

She said to go on living as though this kid DOES NOT EXIST. The entire parental unit MUST do this. You do not make food, do laundry, look at, touch, smell, go near...even WALK OVER this kid...or address this kid AT ALL. 100% of the time as far as you and hubby are concerned, she does NOT EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will show your horribly misbehaved, ungrateful 'child' that unless she treats everyone in the family with the respect and care they deserve, she is DEAD to you all. I know it sounds harsh, but if you think about it, its a WONDERFUL idea. You'll have to let her cry, kick, scream, complain, yell, etc. The ONLY time you'll entervene is if she's voilent and she tries to hurt others. Then you would make sure that victim is safe and call 911. Be factual, honest and don't get emotional. Don't give ANY attention to this "child" whatsoever, for ANY reason. She can figure out how to feed and cloth herself. If you all as a family go ANYWHERE, she doesn't get included, she is INVISIBLE....she does NOT EXIST.

I trust Dr. Laura 150%....more than that even when it comes to advice on how to raise children because she ALWAYS has their interests at the very top of her heart.

The only problem I see you facing is having hubby comply. But...if he's good at ignoring the bad, he can ignore ALL of his child. Tell him it'll help her...maybe that'll work??? I don't know the entire situation, we all don't, so I can only hope and pray this would work. Its kind of what you do now as far as talking to her...just kick it up to the extreme.

Hugs, Love and Support,
Kelly

[NoahsMommy]

Re: the tactic I wrote about in my above post....

I've also seen this done on 'Super Nanny' and 'Nanny 911' and it WORKS beautifully!!! If she's going to act like a 2-year old behaviorlly, treat her like one - like she doesn't exist.

Acknowledging her behavior is buying into it.

[jazzcat]

Kim, I'm just now seeing this but while I was reading about what has happened in your house and how she has been acting I was thinking to myself either she is on drugs or she needs some phychological help. I see you said she has been suffering from deperession and that a family member is bi-polar. Could she be bi-polar? I don't know a whole lot about it but from what I do know it sounds like the outburst/rage could be that.

[carole]

I am happy to hear she has made an appointment, she obviously know's she needs help and that is the first step in the right direction,until she ask's for help there is little one can do,if depression is behind a lot of it,then i sincerely hope she has a good counsellor who will deal with it appropriately.

Are you sure it is all depression though,could some of it be just bad behaviour, i guess time will tell, if she is given meds and help and improves drastically you will know that for sure, i wish you all the luck in the world, and hope things get better in your household and fast, HUGS.

[catnapper]

I honestly do feel its bi-polar. She has always been great for 6 months or so, then sunk low to bad behavior for 6 months, then back up. Textbook bi-polar. We are apparently in a low point. I was SO PROUD of her last year, up til June. Then in July, it all turned around really bad.

The funny thing is I HAVE been acting like she doesn't exist. Been doing that for the past 9-10 months. I gave up on that one Christmas Day after the fight because it was not working at all. She LIKED that I acted like she didn't exist because she did whatever she wanted without anyone telling her that she was making a mistake. She COULD stay out til 4:00 in the morning without someone coming down on her asking her what she was doing til 4:00 and telling her 4:00 is waaaayyyy too late to be rolling home. She came home at 4:00 last night. Hubby called her and asked her what she was doing out and to get her butt home. It took another 45 minutes before she got home.

He'll mention her late nights again this afternoon and she'll ignore him like she always does. Then she'll pop some caffeine to work a double today at work because she's running on 3 hours sleep. Then she'll go out after work with friends and roll home around 4:00 again tonight. Up again after 3 hours sleep tomorrow. More caffeine to get through work. And the cycle continues until she ends up in the hospital again. She learned nothing from her scary hospital stay a few months ago.

[moosmom]

Kim,

I do hope she gets the helps she needs to get through this. This family needs a little peace and harmony. I just hope she follows through with the appointments and meds and tells the doctor EVERYTHING, or it'll all be for naught. He can't help her if she isn't totally honest with her doctor.

You're in my prayers everynight girl. (((((HUGS))))))

Donna

[Emeraldgreen]

Hi Catnapper. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like you are a very strong person though so somehow, someway, you're going to make it through this.
I read all of your posts and it sounds so frustrating that your husband isn't helping to correct this situation. I thought I'd recommend a book that my brother read (he's 44) and he said this book has changed his life. It's called WILD AT HEART and is written by John Eldredge. I have not read it yet but I intend to read it in a few weeks. But it's basically about showing men how to be good fathers, sons, friends etc.. and how to be strong and firm but loving. I signed a copy of this book out from the library for my husband and he is reading it right now. Every time he puts the book down he says to me "ya, this book is pretty incredible". He and my brother say that the book helps men realize why they do the things they do because of how they were raised etc.. and how it goes back to how their father were raised and so on. It helps them see how the pattern has developed over time so they can stop it and become the best man possible here and now.
Anyway, it just occured to me that if your hubby was up for reading it, he might get something from it and make the decision himself to change rather than changing because others are telling him to. I know my hubby HATES being told what he should be doing, even if what I'm saying makes all the sense in the world!!! But if I can somehow get him to come up with the idea himself, or at least let him think he is...LOL then he is so much more willing to change or do whatever needs doing.
Below is a link to an Amazon site that has a link with over 300 reviews by people (mostly men) who have read the book.
Take care. I'm praying for you and your family that peace will be yours in the very near future.

link about Wild at Heart book

[catnapper]

I don't know whats going on anymore. I do know hubby is at the end of his rope. I just spoke with him.... him sounding like a whipped puppy, me in near tears because we (the "grown child" and I) had another fight this afternoon. I had the immense nerve to tell her to get up off the sofa and go look for a full-time job like she promised her dad she would.... she quit school and the deal was that she work full-time in a different place than where she's currently working. Shame on me for making her dis-entangle herself from the boy-du-jour and do something other than wrap herself around a random guy who will be replaced next week. I didn't scream, I didn't accuse. I simply and calmly told her that she needed to get up and do something other than lounge around all day.

I left the house to run errands and hubby called me asking what I said to her... apparently she called him tried to tell him I blasted her. I was too mad at the time to really talk so I waited to talk with him a few hours later, which we just did. I was holding back tears. All I'm trying to do is HELP HER. He said we'll all sit down tonight (by the time I get home from work it'll be a week from now) and talk that this is getting ridiculous (YA THINK!?!?! )

I CAN NOT WAIT til her doctor's appointment. All I can do is pray she's honest with the doctor and that she gets the right meds first time out of the gate. Heck, I'm ready to grind up a few of my Zoloft pills into her Vitamin Water just to get the ball rolling. (yeah, I know I can't do that... still fun to dream about it ) I seriously hope she gets it right and like Laura's friend, realize just what she put us through while she was unstable.

What gets me is I am her #1 enemy.... and I am the very one person in this house who all along has been trying to keep her safe. I've been the one who's been here for everything for her. I was the one who sat by her bedside in the hospital. I'm the one who took her to numerous doctor appointments. I'm the one who did all of the crappy jobs nobody else was willing to do for her. and what do I get as repayment? All her pent-up anger and resentment. This stinks

[carole]

You poor thing, i am so sorry to hear you are the one getting it in the neck, when you are the one who has been there for her 100 percent, maybe when she is well again she may well see just how good you have been to her, don't give up hope, i can only wish for you that once she has seen the doctor, got some required meds, that things will improve and she will do a complete turn around, my heart goes out to you, HUGS.

[NoahsMommy]

Kim,

My heart breaks for you and I want to tell you THANK YOU for your love and concern for this child/adult. I never recieved this type of love, concern, support, gut-wrenching emotional investment, from my step-mother....even my own mother and I'm a GOOD GIRL!! My "father's" wife (ugh, ick, eeek!) is by far one of the most hateful people on this planet, I don't freely talk meanly about people, but this "person", I do. (I pray for her nightly, that God will change her, make her nice, calm and happy.) She is satan-spawn and couldn't care less about me or my brother. If I died tomorrow, she'd rejoice!!!

Seeing all that you've been put through is just so hard for me. It makes my heart physically hurt and LES is utterly uncontrollable.

Kim, for this ungrateful girl, I thank you, for all the step-children that have step-MONSTERS that do not care whether we lived or died. You've always treated ALL your step-kids as though they were your flesh and blood. You aren't harsh, you aren't mean, you don't give up - even with all that they've put you through. And Kim? You're so very strong.

Lots of people would just up and leave. You've seen that these children NEED you. For thier very survival and for their futures, you are ESSENTIAL. For you to have to put up with the treatment you have, and STILL care...Kim, you are amazing.

ANY person would be so blessed and lucky to have you as their parent, step or biologically. And I am honored to know you. This all comes from my heart as I've been so deeply hurt by the actions (and lack there of) of my own parents, step and bio, that this stuff is very much a sore spot for me. (Not just the recent "drama", I've dealt with very serious parental drama since I was 5 years old. I was practically raised in the "Family Courts" building!) Something I've fought and fought to get over with the help of therapy, God and a wonderful support system in people that AREN'T my parents. I don't share about 90% of what my parents actions (or lack of) have done to my brother and I...but to say we've been abused, neglected, etc. is 100% accurate. I'm telling you this so that you know where I'm coming from and WHY I see all the GOOD you do, all the LOVE you show regardless of the attitude you recieve. Ignoring is love, Kim...don't feel bad about that.

OK, I'll get off my little soap box now. I hope my words have helped you, Kim.

Love,
Kelly xoxoxoxo

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kim)))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))

[catnapper]

Just a real quick update.....

She's gone. Left this morning. Refuses to tell us WHERE she's going. Took Cam.

Yesterday I made a phone call which resulted in someone calling Social Services. Lets see if something happens there. Hubby is calling Social Services Tuesday.

Will give more detail later - I can;t say much right now.

[joycenalex]

edited to add- this is my mistake and not correct, i confused 2 PT-ers.- dear kim, hugs for you, and prayers for cams' protection. does she have legal custody of cam? due to her legal problems, i seem to recall the other grandmother had legal custody: if so has an amber alert been filed? i am so sorry she has done this to him. joyce

[pitc9]

OMG... she took Cam with her.....

I'm so sorry you and your hubby are being put through all of this.

I pray for you all and for Cam's safe return.
{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

[kimlovescats]

Oh Kim, this is dreadful! One time when my daughter moved away and I had Jenna, the "father" showed up and was supposed to just be getting Jenna for a visit. He kept her and would not bring her back to me! I went to his house and almost assaulted him! I called the police and they went in to do a quick "home check" (they had quickly flushed their drugs) and I had to leave without Jenna. "HE" is her legal guardian and if the mom isn't availabe he rightly gets her! Calling social services is the BEST thing you can do right now! SO STICK WITH IT! The best you can hope for is to win temporary custody of Cam while she is "getting her act together".

PRAYERS AND HUGS! Call me if you need to!

Kim

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Although it won't seem like it at the time this may have been the best thing for her to do - as Catty said this may just kick start the process of her getting the help she needs.

Expect she will slink back soon when she wants something