I need help....

[Freedom]

They knocked one of their siblings out and gave them a concussion.

Is this child who was knocked out a minor? Were the police notified? Was the child taken to hospital? Did the hospital report it?

You need to take care of yourself. If this child is a minor, take this one with you, along with the pets. GET OUT. Then figure out what to do next.

[Medusa]

Once the police are involved, a whole different dynamic enters the picture. Understand that I'm not telling you to not call the police, just forewarning you that things change when the police become involved. That being said, are any of these kids minors? (I have a friend who refers to her son as "my child" and he's 19 and huge. He never became physically violent w/her but his behavior was/is unacceptable and I told her to stop calling him a child, that he's a young adult who is old enough to know better.)

You are not a punching bag. NO ONE has a right to put their hands on you at any time for any reason. I can only imagine how I would feel if my son was physically violent w/me; it would break my heart. However, once I got over the heartbreak, I would contact my attorney and seek his counsel. He can advise you as to whether or not the police should be involved. Whatever the case, DO NOT allow anyone to put their hands on you again. If your husband wants to keep his wishbone instead of a backbone, that's his business. Leave the house, find a safe place and DO NOT tell anyone where you are and that includes your husband. CALL YOUR ATTORNEY! And please keep us posted. I'll be burning candles for you......

[jennielynn1970]

Been thinking on this one, and while I agree in a sense to the packing your bags and leaving... I don't know that I would. That's your home. You have every right to be there and live free of harm and abuse. So does your husband. So do his kids. Everyone in that household has that right. Should someone take that right away from you, whether they are minors or whether they are adults, they need to know that it will not be accepted.

If Grant won't do it, then it's gotta come from you. You are his wife. You are their step mother. You are legally responsible for the health and welfare of those kids in that home who are under the legal age of an adult. If there is another adult in that house who is endangering them, causing physical or emotional abuse, neglect, what have you, they need to face the consequences. If Grant can't be the responsible one, and shame on him when these are his kids, and as a teacher he wouldn't accept it in his classroom, so why in his own home?! He's a large intimidating guy, a force to be reckoned with. He needs to be responsible for the minors in the household and even if Ashley is a minor, even more reason, get her butt straightened out. Tough love baby. It's gotta happen.

Who is the adult in the house?? Who makes the rules?? Grant should know the answers to those questions, and they better be GRANT AND KIM. If they aren't the answers he gives, then he needs to take a parenting course, and also rethink what kind of example he's setting for the kids he teaches.

[Lizzie]

I don't believe Kim would leave without taking Cam with her. If she did that, she would run the risk of losing the right to see him, at least for a time. The police or an attorney seem to be the only routes to take to make a change for the better for the whole family. Counseling is only really beneficial if the whole family participates, and only the law will force the other members of this family into counseling. Sorry, Kim, you will have to look like the bad guy in order to be the good guy.

[jenluckenbach]

Kim, YOU need to do something, whether you like it or not. Leaving home is probably EXACTLY what would make these "kids" happy! I doubt it would make them feel bad enough to "change their ways". And I doubt it would help Grant grow a spine! (although it is nice to think that it would). So, if you want to keep your family, you are going to have to stick it out. But you will have to lay down the law.


First off, if the injured sibling is a minor then it is your DUTY to react accordingly. What if the injured party was the baby? (I am not suggesting that anyone would willingly hurt Cam, but the truth is, it COULD happen).

You cannot change Grant if he does not want to change. You cannot change these "kids" if they also do not want to change. But you CAN protect yourself, and the innocents that live under your roof.

Since there seems to be no way to make friends with these "kids" then I say give up trying. Stand firm on YOUR rights! Your right to be safe in your own home, for example.

Since no one in your house grants you any authority, you will be on your own. You will have to think of yourself, Cam, Heather (as a minor) and the pets, FIRST! Do what you would do if a STRANGER hit you (or them). Don't wait for Grant to do it for you. And if that means get the police involved, then do it. But keep in mind, you won't have any witnesses. It'll be YOUR word....I guarrentee no one will back you up, so be able to prove the allegations.

Personally, I would just sit back and tell them to "deal with it!". As long as you, Cam and the animals are not injured, let them figure it out. That's it! that is how I would handle it.

I am sure I am no help, but I am hear to listen. I wish you would talk to me.

[jennielynn1970]

I'd also be careful that the one who is causing the physical harm doesn't decide to press charges against you or Grant if something would happen to her in the house. You never know what goes on in people's minds, and how they might decide to lash out to get back at someone they consider a threat to them (however inaccurate it might be).

Make sure that you can prove that you have done nothing to harm her, because the last thing you want is for her to file a PFA and have YOU kicked out of your own house.

I'd be calling the cops when she acts up and endangers others. That's the only way to get documentation that she is the one with the problem, whether it's anger management or what ever, but she needs to know that there are boundaries.

Can you set up cams that can't be seen so that if there is a confrontation it can be documented??

[emily_the_spoiled]

Hello Kim,

I know that everyone here has made some good points, but I am not quite sure you are ready to make the "big" decision to move.

Would it be possible for you to talk with someone? The domestic violence hotline (make no mistake this is domestic violence) should be able to provide a list of people to talk with (usually this is done on a sliding fee scale of some kind).

Cheryl

[Rachel]

Obviously you have no control over the kids or your husband. What you do have control over is your own actions and reactions. It sounds like the living conditions are unacceptable to you. If you fear for your safety - get out now. If you don't, meet with a reputable counselor to help you sort out your options.

[shepgirl]

After reading all the posts here I think the worse thing you could do is leave. That would only give the bully more leverage to act even worse. From what you have written, this kid is screaming out for help. Sit down and talk to hubby, make it clear that if he doesn't act on this you will, tell him "NO MORE." This kid will only get worse and is big enough to cause permanent damage to a sibling. It's obvious that the break up of his parents has left emotional scars and he is acting out in anger and frustration. Sit all the kids down and tell them exactly what the rules are and if there is any further abuse from the 15 yr old the police will be called and charges laid, then DO IT.
You are not doing the kids a favor by running away to escape all this. The whole family should be getting counselling to become a real family. If no one wants to go, then go by yourself and reach out for help.
The first step is calling the police and laying charges...the crown will prosecute the boy, might send him to a juvenile center, which is what he and the family needs right now before it becomes irreversible .

[caseysmom]

I don't think this is necessarily a boy or a juvenile.

[catnapper]

I'd also be careful that the one who is causing the physical harm doesn't decide to press charges against you or Grant if something would happen to her in the house. You never know what goes on in people's minds, and how they might decide to lash out to get back at someone they consider a threat to them (however inaccurate it might be).

Make sure that you can prove that you have done nothing to harm her, because the last thing you want is for her to file a PFA and have YOU kicked out of your own house.

I'd be calling the cops when she acts up and endangers others. That's the only way to get documentation that she is the one with the problem, whether it's anger management or what ever, but she needs to know that there are boundaries.

Can you set up cams that can't be seen so that if there is a confrontation it can be documented??

Jenn has hit the nail on the head. Hubby is TERRIFIED she'll say she was acting out in self defense. She's a champion liar. She DID have a bloody nose at the time.... from her brother who pushed her out of the way to protect his other sister (and 10 seconds later, she pushed him back and gave him a concussion -- he's 21). Hubby swears she'd tell the cops HE did it to her. Mind you, we'd have me and the other two "kids" as witnesses to what actually happened. Even if she pressed unsubstanciated charges, he'd lose his job as a teacher in a heartbeat.

I AM prepared to call the cops the next time she tries to get violent.
1) I won't retaliate at all. I will simply calmly call 911. Let the marks be on me and none on her.
2) Hubby has already agreed that if it happens again to call the cops. He wont make a move to protect me either. Just pick up the phone. The one time she hit me, He dove in between us and pushed her to the floor. I don't believe she got any mark on her that time, I didn't but boy did my eye hurt (ow!) and my poor eyeglasses were misshapen (and they STILL aren't bent back properly)

She and I already got into it tonight. I've kept my mouth shut too long. Damn it felt good to tell her off. I didn't even say 1/100th of what is on my mind, but now she's walking around like a martyr. I tried arguing with her. I tried reasoning with her. I tried not saying a word to her. No matter what I do, it doesn't get through. No matter what I do.... I haven't said one word to her in months, yet she still insists all I do is yell at her and tell her how wrong she does everything (pretty amazing for someone who has basically been a ghost to her) So now I'm back to yelling just because it gets hubby's notice. If he won't do anything I can at least tell her to grow up at opportune moments... tonight's fight was when she did something stupid & selfish, her brother made a joke about it, she told him to shut up in a few colorful ways. I told her to drop the attitude. It escallated from there to her basically screaming SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.... and stamping her feet and plugging her ears while going lalalalalalala I can't hear you (like a 5 year old would)

As for Cameras documenting... oh you have no idea how close to filming her violence on Christmas day when she went wild. It was OBVIOUS she was out of control while the rest of us were trying to stop her from hurting others and herself. I just couldn't protect Cam AND get the camera at the same time. Cam was priority #1.

As for leaving..... you have no idea how much I've thought about it lately. I am miserable in my home. Hubby's miserable. we're both miserable together (but not with each other). Yet I can't imagine life without him. He's my best friend and my sounding board. Leaving is totally not an option. I can't leave someone whom I am completely in love with. I just wish his daughter wasn't here. I just repeat a mantra every day where I tell myself SOME DAY she'll leave and someday we'll have peace of just being together without her.

I also know from past hurt in relationships that if I chose to make a drastic statement of leaving, he'd say "fine, go". He will be thinking that if I choose to give up and leave, then I'm free to go. He won't force me to stay somewhere I'm not willing to work on a relationship. I'm the same way. I NEVER took back an old boyfriend after they told me they wanted/needed to see other people... if they didn't want me then, why would they want me later?

I am CERTAIN things will blow to a head again someday soon. Its been building for a few days. Hubby got into it last night. I got into things tonight. I think its a matter of time before she decides to push the issue to where there's no going back. I for one am counting the minutes because I can't continue living like this. As mean as it sounds, I WANT her to go wild again so that I can call the cops and get the ball rolling. Once its in the cops hands, its out of mine and nobody can get out of making things happen. Nobody can go back to pretending nothing is wrong. The courts will make sure she gets the help she desperately needs.

[carole]

Firstly let me say my heart goes out to you kim, i really feel for you in this difficult situation, you have been given some very sound advice, all i can say is i would also be hesitant involving the police, i have seen it here in different families, and it has not been the best of choices, i agree with Medusa on that one, it is a complete different ball game once they are involved.

I really think you need a professional counsellor to talk with about this problem, i agree your hubby has to get a backbone and take control here, but it is apparent he is not going to do that, i think you would be best to remove yourself from the situation if at all possible, perhaps you might need to give hubby an ultimatium.

Obviously there is a lot more going on than you want to tell us, so it really does sound very out of control, dysfunctional,and something has to be done and soon by the sounds of it,please talk to someone about it that really can help and in the meantime, take care of yourself won't you HUGS.

[catnapper]

I don't think this is necessarily a boy or a juvenile.

Correct. The youngest is 18. All are adults in this house. I won't say if the girl in question is the 18 year old or 20 year old.

[lizbud]

Kim,

If my husband would not make a move to protect me psysically or consider
my emotional needs, I would never consider him my best friend.

Keeping you in my prayers for a peaceful life. You do deserve it.

[joycenalex]

kim, i am praying for you and cameron. please consider packing an escape bag for him, and keeping it in your car. make sure you always know where your keys and shoes are. make sure you have money. make sure at all times you can scoop him and run if he's there. i know what i'm talking about here. if the adult female is this volatile and dangerous, the TWO of you need an planned escape pack and route. also, make sure cams' pediatrician knows whats' up and can document any thing. protect him and yourself. kindest regards