Need some "legal" advice.....

[Vela]

As for the child needing to know his/her parents..that is one I simply cannot buy. A child adopted, doesn't know his 'parents'. A child who loses a parent to death doesn't know his parent. A child whose parents divorce and one moves away might not know his parent. How come it is only the woman that says "I don't want the baby's father in our lives" that hears the importance of the "a child must know his parents"?

Adopted children often have emotional issues BECAUSE they were adopted. It does not mean they didn't have a good life, and I never said this child wouldn't have a good life, but I still beleive that it is still important, when it is possible, for the child to at least know their parents. Many adopted children, many, look for their birth parents when they ar older.

If a child loses a parent to death, that is not something that can be helped, but you darn bet it causes all sorts of emotional trauma.

If parents divorce, and one parent disappears, you bet it causes emotional trauma and issues as the kids get older, especially once they enter school.

I would never tell "only someone who wants the baby's father gone" that a child ought to know who its parents are. I would say that for anyone, that ONLY whenever possible, that child know who its parents are, and if possible have some sort of relationship with said parent, as long as the parent is responsible enough to see that child. I don't lay it only on the "one stuck holding the baby". Not at all. But in her very first post she said she just wanted him not to be involved at all. That has since changed in her later posts, she did say she wanted him to be involved IF he could be sober and straighten out, and I agree with that 100%. I wouldn't want my child around a drunk person either. But that isn't what she said at first and I was only responding to the original post because she hadn't stated that she did want him to be involved if he straightened up when I posted.

I stand by my opinion, which is all it is, that a child does need to know who both of its parents are, and if possible have a relationship with both parents, becuse it does leave a big hole as that child grows up and becomes an adult. If it works out for many that they don't need that, then that's great, and I am very happy for all involved, but personally and with many I know, some of the greatest mental insecurities and issues we face as adults stem from parental relationships and lack thereof.

I also never said children don't have emotional issues even if they know and have relationships with both parents, but that isn't really relevant, because I was only speaking about the emotional issues that arise from not knowing them. Things like this are always on a case to case basis, you have to take everything into account. Sometimes it is not in the best interest of the child to know a parent, but people do change so I didn't want her to just dismiss him completely and close the door on the possibility of him being in the child's life in the future.



Racing-gurl, I sincerely hope that after your baby is born he straigthens up and stops being a jerk so he can be involved in your child's life. If he doesn't, and continues to be the way he is now, then I don't blame you for not wanting him around. Just don't close the door completely on the possibility that some day your child might want to find him, and maybe someday he will grow up out of what he is doing now and actually be able to be a father. I do hope it all works out for the best.

[Cataholic]

If it works out for many that they don't need that, then that's great, and I am very happy for all involved, but personally and with many I know, some of the greatest mental insecurities and issues we face as adults stem from parental relationships and lack thereof.

Sometimes it is not in the best interest of the child to know a parent, but people do change so I didn't want her to just dismiss him completely and close the door on the possibility of him being in the child's life in the future.

Working backwards, I don't think we should ever 'close the door' on something like this, because, we don't know. We change, other people change, situations change. We can only say what we think/feel now, and live the life we live.

I get all riled up when someone starts the "a baby has to know..." as that simply isn't so. I could marry someone tomorrow (okay, pick yourself up off the floor now, people) and I don't think Jonah would 'suffer' one iota. As it stands now, I don't believe he would suffer one iota. A strong, loving home is what is important, not what the home consists of, people wise.

And, I do agree with you that people seem to have issues with the lack of parental involvment. I find it usually stems from some partial involvement, and then abandonment, or, from some woman (usually) trying to cram paternity down some man's throat, and surprise, surprise, the man (or, whatever we might term him) reacts poorly.

Walking away from a bad situation can be alot less stressful than 'bucking up.'

[Maresche]

My opinion on the "missing parent" issue is children will only look for a missing parent if there is a parent missing. If a single mom or dad is enough of a parent to account for a mom and dad (and most, in my experience, are) then the child won't feel there is a void and won't feel a need to fill it. If the single parent isn't enough and there isn't a grandparent/aunt/uncle/family friend whatever, to pick up the slack, then they child will go looking for what is missing.

My experience--My folks divorced when I was very young. My Mom is one hell of a Mom and we never wanted for anything important. I hadn't seen or heard from him in years. Since my daughter's birth, my father has wanted to get involved in our lives again and honestly, I don't want him there. I don't feel a void in my life of having him not play a role in it so now he is extraneous to my life. In fact, the worst times in my life are when my Mom thought she should provide us with a Dad, not with someone who made her happy.

[sasvermont]

This topic is a hot one for sure.

I can only say that I wish more people would have protected sex and not create as many problems for themselves.

What were they thinking when they were locking lips with some creep and now they are "with child"? What's wrong with this picture?

I have friends (single parents) and they are for the most part, doing just fine, but they have good jobs and supportive families and have thought through the rearing aspect of having a child or three.

It makes my head hurt to hear the struggles left with the men and women after having created a love child, if you will, for the sake of using birth control.

These situations usually take on a life of their own and all works out. Unfortunately, the children are the ones taking the brunt of it all, if it all falls apart.

Let me to take some more Tylenol for my head.

I love kids too much to create them and not have the means to support them etc. and to create them without fore thought.

(((((((((((((((((kids)))))))))))))))))))

[sandragonfly]

vela, I can feel you, parental damage - it took me a while to deal with this trauma. it's normal to feel that way afterall I didn't had parents, but it's better than living with a drunk father every night. safer and stronger. like I am today. that all will be up to the child later as well too.

I didn't had a mother.. I didn't had a father.. 16 years out of 20 and I don't care for them anymore now. why? if you ask because they never were my 'parents' like they were suppose to be. plus, because of the 'mother' and 'father' who I had taught me love. it's all about love and respect, not biography, violence or money. racing girl, it could be this, your new boyfriend who wants to be a father - not having the same DNA does not necessarily means the child is or will be disorder in any way, emotional, finanically or mental.

the day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes
an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.

that being said, and if the child in a later age doesn't understand that it was best s/he grows/grew up without a biography father, and with racing girl's love shown here, s/he will have the help s/he needs. on other hand, it also really depends on adoptive parents as well. and by the way, I don't think racing girl is shutting him out completely, just holding the door for now for how he's around his six year old daughter still.

marigold, I can agree with you on some of parts but I am not sure why you think those mothers are like her..

racing girl, I applaud you on this decision, and safety of the newborn baby - I would do the same, definitely. I am sorry he acts like this at stake and hopefully he will be father enough soon so the child even can have a better life. and a lot stress off you too. stay on strong and safe.. wishing all best for you and the baby. how is that exciting?? do you know the gender or desire name yet?

obviously, I'm not the mother yet so I don't know what month they can tell you the sex.

[Marigold2]

I totally agree. I also loved my children too much to have raised them in poverty. Kids deserve better.

This topic is a hot one for sure.

I can only say that I wish more people would have protected sex and not create as many problems for themselves.

What were they thinking when they were locking lips with some creep and now they are "with child"? What's wrong with this picture?

I have friends (single parents) and they are for the most part, doing just fine, but they have good jobs and supportive families and have thought through the rearing aspect of having a child or three.

It makes my head hurt to hear the struggles left with the men and women after having created a love child, if you will, for the sake of using birth control.

These situations usually take on a life of their own and all works out. Unfortunately, the children are the ones taking the brunt of it all, if it all falls apart.

Let me to take some more Tylenol for my head.

I love kids too much to create them and not have the means to support them etc. and to create them without fore thought.

(((((((((((((((((kids)))))))))))))))))))

[sparks19]

I totally agree. I also loved my children too much to have raised them in poverty. Kids deserve better.

But why OH Why do you think this child is going to be raised in poverty.... Of course no child should be raised on the street or in a shack.... but I am not sure WHERE you get the idea that this child is going to be raised in poverty and not be provided the nessecities of life.

I don't think anyone is disputing the fact that a child should not be raised in a home that cannot feed it or cloth it or keep a roof over the childs head.... but WHERE do you get that THIS is the case in this situation? You see the reason people are questioning your viewpoint is because your accusations that this child will not be cared for are totally baseless. There has been nothing to indicate this child will not have the care and love it needs to thrive and be happy.... In FACT I think this thread shows this child is indeed in loving caring hands that would not put the child in that position.

[Catty1]

I think the point raised - which slightly distracted the thread - is that there are thoughtless men and women who don't take measures to prevent pregnancy (I still recall the letter to Dear Abby YEARS ago where this woman was going to have sex with her boyfriend, but didn't want to ask him to share the cost of birth control because she thought she didn't know him well enough ). Even so, birth control can fail.

In a perfect world, every couple - married or not, old or young - would talk out and plan what to do in the event of a pregnancy. Most don't. And this has been a fact of human life for centuries.

As John Lennon said: "All of us were born out of a bottle of whiskey on Saturday night." (Okay, he was a tad cynical )

Now, back to the original poster here. She has support, financial and otherwise. I agree she needs to focus on her health and life with the baby on the way, and not worry too much about her present relationship with this wonderful guy. Friends are great to have right now, but she will have another major full-time relationship in a few months!

JMO. Let's give her some support here, ok?

[Marigold2]

I long ago stopped talking about any one member here. I was speaking in general about 15 year olds, which does not even apply to this PT member. As far as I know this young woman has family and friends to help. She is older and in school.

Again Sparks the merely obvious was what I stated but for you the incredibly obvious is needed.