Need some "legal" advice.....

[angelbow20]

I know how you feel. I was with my sons father for over 3 years, once I got pregnant he wanted me to abort my baby or he would break up with me well I chose to break up and when I was 8 months pregnant we broke up.. He never signed the birth cert. and my son has my last name, However I do let Aidens fathers mom see Aiden and he is aloud if he wants to, even though he barely does spend anytime with him. Take your ex to court for custody, get child support( he cant spend all his money on beer if he has to pay for his child and if he doesnt pay he goes to jail) You will never regret being a mother. My son is 3 yrs old now and I dont make much money at all but I live with my parents and that helps alot until I really get on my feet with being a young single mom. I admit its hard sometimes and I still want to cry sometimes but I know it will get easier and I love watching him grow to an amazing little boy. Also I forgot to add you can go to court to let his father get visitation rights but you can be with the baby when he see's the baby that way he is supervised at all times.

[Catty1]

that night he got REAL drunnk and was yelling to himself (by the way his 6 year old daughter was in the house sleeping)

Vela, the above indicates to me that certainly emotional harm would be done...his daughter might be used to this, but it will stay with her in a bad way...at 6 years old, that would be scary. Of course, we are not talking overnight visits with the unborn one.

If the dad can have sober visits in the future, that is one thing. I think maybe the grandfather has custody of the daughter?

Yes, a child may well have a right to know who their parent is...but that parent has to earn a bit of that priviledge.

JMO

[Vela]

I don't disagree with you that seeing those things could be harmful, but she is trying to write this guy out of the book right now, and he does deserve at least a chance to try to grow up and be a father to this baby. I would never suggest sending a child over to stay with someone who is drunk, etc., but she basically wants him to disappear and that's not the right thing to do either. It's a sticky ugly mess actually, it can't be cleaned up easily by just wanting the guy to go away, especially not if he WANTS to be a father to this baby. She needs to go to court, get child support etc., and then they can go to court to see about visitation. I didn't see my father for 17 years, after he left when I was 8, and that was very damaging to me, even though he isn't a great father or any knd of father to me at this point, I never speak to him. But I needed to know who he was at the very least. Every child needs to know that so she can't just make the decision for herself because she doesn't like the guy. That's all I was trying to point out.

[racing_gurl07]

There is no way in heck i can maintain a relationship with this babys father. He wont even talk to me now, i try and call him to talk about our money situation that we have to get straighted out, but he wont talk to me. Is not that i dont want this child to have a father but he has a serious problem that he has to fix before anything else happens. he is drunk around his 6 year old! hes not getting visitation rights until he goes to AA and sobers up or something. I am doing what is best for this child, I dont want their father to see them and take care of them when they are completely drunk. And drinking isnt his only problem...he has another but i dont want to go into that. I know what is best for my life and this childs life and it doesnt involved their father. And...if he didnt have serious life threating problems yes he would in in this childs life even if i didnt like him....

[sparks19]

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

Great Post Jen.....

My brother and his wife have FOUR children. They have a VERY modest income and live in a very tiny and very modest home. My sister in Law works during the day and my brother works during the afternoons. They almost NEVER have time together..... it's mostly about making money to survive and raise their kids. They don't have all the fancy trimmings, Three of the kids share a room right now while the baby has it's own nursery.

BUT..... they are one of the greatest families I have ever known. Those kids are so loving, helpful, and happy. Is it hard for the parents? You bet it is. But is life ever easy for any parent? They don't have top of the line clothes..... they don't have the best of the best. But they have A LOT of love. They are such an inspiring family and I hate to think that they would have given up those wonderful children just because they didn't make the big bucks. I don't think those kids could have found a greater home than the one they were born into. Those parents work so hard everyday to give those kids a great life... even if they don't have the MONEY to "buy their love"

My mom was also a single parent when she had my brother..... and her and my father ended up divorced when I was only a couple years old.... so she was basically a single mother then as well. She did not EVER ask my father for child support.... mostly because he was still very much in my life..... I am so glad she did not decide to give me or my brother up for adoption just because she didn't have a brand new vehicle or didn't have a phat bank account.

I find it very sad that anyone thinks money makes a good home for a child and if you don't have the big bucks you should give up YOUR child. That child is not missing out because you can't afford the latest video games or have the best vehicle on the road. That child is only missing out if you are not able to give the LOVE you should be giving. THAT is what makes a great parent.

Of course, I am not a parent yet technically so I guess my uninformed opinion doesn't matter.

Marigold, are you saying that if you had a chance to raise your kids all over again as a single parent you would give them up for adoption because it wasn't all sunshine and roses?

[racing_gurl07]

Dont get me wrong...I would love to see T in this babys life...he does great with his 6 year old daughter, but i just want people to understand that a baby cant be around somenoe who drinks. and if and when he sobers up, he then can ahve visitation rights like he has with his daughter. But it would be for the court to decide. I just hope he can get some help for his problems

[sparks19]

Dont get me wrong...I would love to see T in this babys life...he does great with his 6 year old daughter, but i just want people to understand that a baby cant be around somenoe who drinks. and if and when he sobers up, he then can ahve visitation rights like he has with his daughter. But it would be for the court to decide. I just hope he can get some help for his problems

Hey I don't blame you. I would not want someone like that around my child either... father or not. And if he won't change for that baby that just shows you how deep his problem is. He has to make the decision to get help and until he does I do not blame you one bit for not wanting him around that baby.

But it sure says a lot about you that you are willing to take on this endeavour even without him. You are a very strong woman and it takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing

[Cataholic]

What money situation do you "have" to get straightened out? Why would you maintain ANY relationship with a man that does all these bad things? It is WAY to mama drama sounding to me. Way.

The father has no "rights" until the baby is born. Let. it. go. IF he chooses to do something after the birth, great. Worry about it then.

As for the child needing to know his/her parents..that is one I simply cannot buy. A child adopted, doesn't know his 'parents'. A child who loses a parent to death doesn't know his parent. A child whose parents divorce and one moves away might not know his parent. How come it is only the woman that says "I don't want the baby's father in our lives" that hears the importance of the "a child must know his parents"?

I have no intention of Jonah "knowing" his father. Now, that might change, since I can't control the father's actions, but, *I* won't initiate the call. Do I think my son will suffer? No. It is all in the manner it is explained, dealt with, and even then, it could just be the child is bound to have issues over something with or without 'knowing' his parent. Many a child has issues, and knows both parents inside and out.

The law provides a mechanism for paternity, and relationships between parent and child. It takes two to tango, and if someone wants to establish their rights, do it. Don't blame the person left holding the baby for NOT doing something.

[racing_gurl07]

well the money thing....we are in some debt now...but im only paying my half...im having the banks work it out...my parents said they will help me as much as they can so i dont have to worry about it.

but anyway....I really hope T can straighted out..if he loves this child like he says he does already, he will. But right now like you said, dont worry about him. If he wants to be in this childs life he will when the child is born.

[Vela]

As for the child needing to know his/her parents..that is one I simply cannot buy. A child adopted, doesn't know his 'parents'. A child who loses a parent to death doesn't know his parent. A child whose parents divorce and one moves away might not know his parent. How come it is only the woman that says "I don't want the baby's father in our lives" that hears the importance of the "a child must know his parents"?

Adopted children often have emotional issues BECAUSE they were adopted. It does not mean they didn't have a good life, and I never said this child wouldn't have a good life, but I still beleive that it is still important, when it is possible, for the child to at least know their parents. Many adopted children, many, look for their birth parents when they ar older.

If a child loses a parent to death, that is not something that can be helped, but you darn bet it causes all sorts of emotional trauma.

If parents divorce, and one parent disappears, you bet it causes emotional trauma and issues as the kids get older, especially once they enter school.

I would never tell "only someone who wants the baby's father gone" that a child ought to know who its parents are. I would say that for anyone, that ONLY whenever possible, that child know who its parents are, and if possible have some sort of relationship with said parent, as long as the parent is responsible enough to see that child. I don't lay it only on the "one stuck holding the baby". Not at all. But in her very first post she said she just wanted him not to be involved at all. That has since changed in her later posts, she did say she wanted him to be involved IF he could be sober and straighten out, and I agree with that 100%. I wouldn't want my child around a drunk person either. But that isn't what she said at first and I was only responding to the original post because she hadn't stated that she did want him to be involved if he straightened up when I posted.

I stand by my opinion, which is all it is, that a child does need to know who both of its parents are, and if possible have a relationship with both parents, becuse it does leave a big hole as that child grows up and becomes an adult. If it works out for many that they don't need that, then that's great, and I am very happy for all involved, but personally and with many I know, some of the greatest mental insecurities and issues we face as adults stem from parental relationships and lack thereof.

I also never said children don't have emotional issues even if they know and have relationships with both parents, but that isn't really relevant, because I was only speaking about the emotional issues that arise from not knowing them. Things like this are always on a case to case basis, you have to take everything into account. Sometimes it is not in the best interest of the child to know a parent, but people do change so I didn't want her to just dismiss him completely and close the door on the possibility of him being in the child's life in the future.



Racing-gurl, I sincerely hope that after your baby is born he straigthens up and stops being a jerk so he can be involved in your child's life. If he doesn't, and continues to be the way he is now, then I don't blame you for not wanting him around. Just don't close the door completely on the possibility that some day your child might want to find him, and maybe someday he will grow up out of what he is doing now and actually be able to be a father. I do hope it all works out for the best.

[Cataholic]

If it works out for many that they don't need that, then that's great, and I am very happy for all involved, but personally and with many I know, some of the greatest mental insecurities and issues we face as adults stem from parental relationships and lack thereof.

Sometimes it is not in the best interest of the child to know a parent, but people do change so I didn't want her to just dismiss him completely and close the door on the possibility of him being in the child's life in the future.

Working backwards, I don't think we should ever 'close the door' on something like this, because, we don't know. We change, other people change, situations change. We can only say what we think/feel now, and live the life we live.

I get all riled up when someone starts the "a baby has to know..." as that simply isn't so. I could marry someone tomorrow (okay, pick yourself up off the floor now, people) and I don't think Jonah would 'suffer' one iota. As it stands now, I don't believe he would suffer one iota. A strong, loving home is what is important, not what the home consists of, people wise.

And, I do agree with you that people seem to have issues with the lack of parental involvment. I find it usually stems from some partial involvement, and then abandonment, or, from some woman (usually) trying to cram paternity down some man's throat, and surprise, surprise, the man (or, whatever we might term him) reacts poorly.

Walking away from a bad situation can be alot less stressful than 'bucking up.'

[Alysser]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.

This is your idea of a loving home? A home is somewhere where you get love, support, comfort, etc. If she can support the baby, then she can, it doesn't have to be the most fancy stuff and it doesn't have to ALWAYS involve money. Sure that is a huge factor, but I know plenty of examples of people who aren't the richest and they are always the most happy in the end. Just because you can't always provide the best, it doesn't make you a bad parents. I can't believe adoption was even suggested...


By the way, do you think every single mother or middle class-lower class family should put their kids up for adoption? If we all lived by your standards no one would have kids.

[Maresche]

My opinion on the "missing parent" issue is children will only look for a missing parent if there is a parent missing. If a single mom or dad is enough of a parent to account for a mom and dad (and most, in my experience, are) then the child won't feel there is a void and won't feel a need to fill it. If the single parent isn't enough and there isn't a grandparent/aunt/uncle/family friend whatever, to pick up the slack, then they child will go looking for what is missing.

My experience--My folks divorced when I was very young. My Mom is one hell of a Mom and we never wanted for anything important. I hadn't seen or heard from him in years. Since my daughter's birth, my father has wanted to get involved in our lives again and honestly, I don't want him there. I don't feel a void in my life of having him not play a role in it so now he is extraneous to my life. In fact, the worst times in my life are when my Mom thought she should provide us with a Dad, not with someone who made her happy.

[sparks19]

[QUOTE=Maltese_Love]


By the way, do you think every single mother or middle class-lower class family should put their kids up for adoption? If we all lived by your standards no one would have kids.[/QUOTE]

Nor would half of the families looking to adopt. Many people looking to adopt live very modest exsistences. So by those standards they would not qualify to have those children.

[carole]

Maresche you made a very good point and i have to agree,. my son has never wanted to look up his biological father,i was both parents for over ten years and then my husband took over the role of dad, and has been ever since, as far as he is concerned he was the one who helped looked after him when he was sick,fed and clothed him, read him bedtime stories, scolded him when needed,et etc, that is what makes a real father for sure.

The only point i would raise is that no matter what ,they do feel abandoned by the other parent, no matter what the reasons maybe and that if they ever see that parent they feel they are owed something by them,it might even be financial, well that is what the counsellors tell me anyhow, and i tend to believe that.,but that is merely my opinion, and in my son's case is how he feels, each child is different i suppose.

You may indeed choose for your child's father to be in their life, if and when he cleans up his act and becomes responsible,until then i think you are making the right choices and your new partner sounds terrific, i hope it really does turn into a long time commitment if that is what you are seeking.