Need some "legal" advice.....

[racing_gurl07]

I didnt mean to make this thread to start any agurements or anything. I just wanted some advice so the babys father isnt in the picture. Yes i know most of you dont know the whole situation, but let me explain so you can understand better....

The father of the baby, lets call him T, well T...when i first met him he drank ALL the time. spent all of our money on acholol, we were broke...and we worked our butts off, but every penny he made he had to buy beer or whatever. About 4-5 nights a week he was Drunk, full out wasted. i wasnt pregnant at the time so i delt with it. When we found out we were pregnant...i made him promise that he would try and stop, well atleast cut down, but never did and never did. At that time we had to move in with his dad, I only lived there for about 2 weeks. What really set me off was...i was gone for about 5 days with my family i come back and he said he has been durnk for 2 days straight..well thats just great. and about 3 nights after that, he went out and bought more..he told me i could of told him to not buy it, but its not MY problem..its his..he has to deal with it. but anywy..that night he got REAL drunnk and was yelling to himself (by the way his 6 year old daughter was in the house sleeping) I was upstairs sleeping, but couldnt because of his screeming to himself. Me and his sister left...i came back and told him i had enough so i got my stuff around 1 am and just left..i drove 2 hours to my parents. So thats that. I ve been living here at my rents for about 2 months now, i have a job (i dont make much but its money) im saving money up to get my own place, I am going to school either this fall or next spring, but that is all covered. With living with my parents they support me...i dont have to pay rent, food or anything, just have to clean up after myself. And after the baby is born its going to be the same way if i live with them. And if i dont live with them, they willstill help me anyway they can.

so anyway....thats my story about the Ex. and yes i did meet someone new, but he does support me, he hleps me out anyway i can. he comes to the doc appts with me, he knows hes not the real dad but id radther have him there than the real dad.....

Hope my story is clear now

[Cataholic]

Your story is your story, your business. Hope it wasn't anything I said that made you feel a need to explain. If you say the guy is a jerk, then, he is a jerk, and for now, can sit on the side lines. Doesn't mean he can't have a relationship, shouldn't have a relationship, can't change, won't change. For now, your numbero uno (did I spell that right? LOL) priority is Y.O.U. That is, up until the baby is born. Then, it is B.A.B.Y. Followed by you. Hard to say how a newbie male will fit into all that. If you can make it work, great.

I would stay with your 'rents as long as you can, and just chill out. Time has a way of showing us alot. Good luck, and know that you CAN do this, and WOW what a freaking blessing it is. Even though I have only been a parent 2.75 years ( ), I can tell you that time has been like no other. I might just about explode when I have ten years under my belt!

[Vela]

While being a heavy drinker is not a good thing, you also have to think of the child. Good or bad, this man is the father. That child needs a relationship with its father, unless that man is actually harming the child. No drinking isn't good, but a child needs to know its parents. It can severely mess a child up not knowing who the father is, as they get older. You need to try to have some sort of viable relationship to this person. You liked him enough at one time to get pregnant, so you need to give him a chance to be a father, even if you don't like him. It IS his right, as the father, to have the chance to be one unless he is harming that child. I know you think it's easier and better for you with him gone, but it's not only your choice and it's not only about you now. I think a child also has the right to know who their parents are, even if they aren't good parents, the child should at least know who they are. I am definitely NOT saying this in a rude way at all.

Hopefully in the future you can manage to have civil conversations with the actual father of the child and get along peacefully for that child's sake. It is not okay to cut him out of the child's life because you don't like him. I completely understand about his drinking, but not at least knowing who their real father is and trying to forge some sort of relationship, can really really cause problems for kids as they grow up.

I agree with Johanna's post above too, you and that baby are the #1 priority, but you do need to make allowances for a relationship in the future with the father, if he chooses to want to try to be one.

[Catty1]

that night he got REAL drunnk and was yelling to himself (by the way his 6 year old daughter was in the house sleeping)

Vela, the above indicates to me that certainly emotional harm would be done...his daughter might be used to this, but it will stay with her in a bad way...at 6 years old, that would be scary. Of course, we are not talking overnight visits with the unborn one.

If the dad can have sober visits in the future, that is one thing. I think maybe the grandfather has custody of the daughter?

Yes, a child may well have a right to know who their parent is...but that parent has to earn a bit of that priviledge.

JMO

[Vela]

I don't disagree with you that seeing those things could be harmful, but she is trying to write this guy out of the book right now, and he does deserve at least a chance to try to grow up and be a father to this baby. I would never suggest sending a child over to stay with someone who is drunk, etc., but she basically wants him to disappear and that's not the right thing to do either. It's a sticky ugly mess actually, it can't be cleaned up easily by just wanting the guy to go away, especially not if he WANTS to be a father to this baby. She needs to go to court, get child support etc., and then they can go to court to see about visitation. I didn't see my father for 17 years, after he left when I was 8, and that was very damaging to me, even though he isn't a great father or any knd of father to me at this point, I never speak to him. But I needed to know who he was at the very least. Every child needs to know that so she can't just make the decision for herself because she doesn't like the guy. That's all I was trying to point out.

[racing_gurl07]

There is no way in heck i can maintain a relationship with this babys father. He wont even talk to me now, i try and call him to talk about our money situation that we have to get straighted out, but he wont talk to me. Is not that i dont want this child to have a father but he has a serious problem that he has to fix before anything else happens. he is drunk around his 6 year old! hes not getting visitation rights until he goes to AA and sobers up or something. I am doing what is best for this child, I dont want their father to see them and take care of them when they are completely drunk. And drinking isnt his only problem...he has another but i dont want to go into that. I know what is best for my life and this childs life and it doesnt involved their father. And...if he didnt have serious life threating problems yes he would in in this childs life even if i didnt like him....

[Cataholic]

What money situation do you "have" to get straightened out? Why would you maintain ANY relationship with a man that does all these bad things? It is WAY to mama drama sounding to me. Way.

The father has no "rights" until the baby is born. Let. it. go. IF he chooses to do something after the birth, great. Worry about it then.

As for the child needing to know his/her parents..that is one I simply cannot buy. A child adopted, doesn't know his 'parents'. A child who loses a parent to death doesn't know his parent. A child whose parents divorce and one moves away might not know his parent. How come it is only the woman that says "I don't want the baby's father in our lives" that hears the importance of the "a child must know his parents"?

I have no intention of Jonah "knowing" his father. Now, that might change, since I can't control the father's actions, but, *I* won't initiate the call. Do I think my son will suffer? No. It is all in the manner it is explained, dealt with, and even then, it could just be the child is bound to have issues over something with or without 'knowing' his parent. Many a child has issues, and knows both parents inside and out.

The law provides a mechanism for paternity, and relationships between parent and child. It takes two to tango, and if someone wants to establish their rights, do it. Don't blame the person left holding the baby for NOT doing something.

[racing_gurl07]

well the money thing....we are in some debt now...but im only paying my half...im having the banks work it out...my parents said they will help me as much as they can so i dont have to worry about it.

but anyway....I really hope T can straighted out..if he loves this child like he says he does already, he will. But right now like you said, dont worry about him. If he wants to be in this childs life he will when the child is born.

[Vela]

As for the child needing to know his/her parents..that is one I simply cannot buy. A child adopted, doesn't know his 'parents'. A child who loses a parent to death doesn't know his parent. A child whose parents divorce and one moves away might not know his parent. How come it is only the woman that says "I don't want the baby's father in our lives" that hears the importance of the "a child must know his parents"?

Adopted children often have emotional issues BECAUSE they were adopted. It does not mean they didn't have a good life, and I never said this child wouldn't have a good life, but I still beleive that it is still important, when it is possible, for the child to at least know their parents. Many adopted children, many, look for their birth parents when they ar older.

If a child loses a parent to death, that is not something that can be helped, but you darn bet it causes all sorts of emotional trauma.

If parents divorce, and one parent disappears, you bet it causes emotional trauma and issues as the kids get older, especially once they enter school.

I would never tell "only someone who wants the baby's father gone" that a child ought to know who its parents are. I would say that for anyone, that ONLY whenever possible, that child know who its parents are, and if possible have some sort of relationship with said parent, as long as the parent is responsible enough to see that child. I don't lay it only on the "one stuck holding the baby". Not at all. But in her very first post she said she just wanted him not to be involved at all. That has since changed in her later posts, she did say she wanted him to be involved IF he could be sober and straighten out, and I agree with that 100%. I wouldn't want my child around a drunk person either. But that isn't what she said at first and I was only responding to the original post because she hadn't stated that she did want him to be involved if he straightened up when I posted.

I stand by my opinion, which is all it is, that a child does need to know who both of its parents are, and if possible have a relationship with both parents, becuse it does leave a big hole as that child grows up and becomes an adult. If it works out for many that they don't need that, then that's great, and I am very happy for all involved, but personally and with many I know, some of the greatest mental insecurities and issues we face as adults stem from parental relationships and lack thereof.

I also never said children don't have emotional issues even if they know and have relationships with both parents, but that isn't really relevant, because I was only speaking about the emotional issues that arise from not knowing them. Things like this are always on a case to case basis, you have to take everything into account. Sometimes it is not in the best interest of the child to know a parent, but people do change so I didn't want her to just dismiss him completely and close the door on the possibility of him being in the child's life in the future.



Racing-gurl, I sincerely hope that after your baby is born he straigthens up and stops being a jerk so he can be involved in your child's life. If he doesn't, and continues to be the way he is now, then I don't blame you for not wanting him around. Just don't close the door completely on the possibility that some day your child might want to find him, and maybe someday he will grow up out of what he is doing now and actually be able to be a father. I do hope it all works out for the best.

[Cataholic]

If it works out for many that they don't need that, then that's great, and I am very happy for all involved, but personally and with many I know, some of the greatest mental insecurities and issues we face as adults stem from parental relationships and lack thereof.

Sometimes it is not in the best interest of the child to know a parent, but people do change so I didn't want her to just dismiss him completely and close the door on the possibility of him being in the child's life in the future.

Working backwards, I don't think we should ever 'close the door' on something like this, because, we don't know. We change, other people change, situations change. We can only say what we think/feel now, and live the life we live.

I get all riled up when someone starts the "a baby has to know..." as that simply isn't so. I could marry someone tomorrow (okay, pick yourself up off the floor now, people) and I don't think Jonah would 'suffer' one iota. As it stands now, I don't believe he would suffer one iota. A strong, loving home is what is important, not what the home consists of, people wise.

And, I do agree with you that people seem to have issues with the lack of parental involvment. I find it usually stems from some partial involvement, and then abandonment, or, from some woman (usually) trying to cram paternity down some man's throat, and surprise, surprise, the man (or, whatever we might term him) reacts poorly.

Walking away from a bad situation can be alot less stressful than 'bucking up.'

[angelbow20]

I know how you feel. I was with my sons father for over 3 years, once I got pregnant he wanted me to abort my baby or he would break up with me well I chose to break up and when I was 8 months pregnant we broke up.. He never signed the birth cert. and my son has my last name, However I do let Aidens fathers mom see Aiden and he is aloud if he wants to, even though he barely does spend anytime with him. Take your ex to court for custody, get child support( he cant spend all his money on beer if he has to pay for his child and if he doesnt pay he goes to jail) You will never regret being a mother. My son is 3 yrs old now and I dont make much money at all but I live with my parents and that helps alot until I really get on my feet with being a young single mom. I admit its hard sometimes and I still want to cry sometimes but I know it will get easier and I love watching him grow to an amazing little boy. Also I forgot to add you can go to court to let his father get visitation rights but you can be with the baby when he see's the baby that way he is supervised at all times.