Need some "legal" advice.....

[JenBKR]

And Marigold's post ... wow. Do you seriusly believe that being able to afford a nice car and braces makes you a good parent? Or that driving an old car and not having a college education makes you a bad parent? I know children who are living in poverty, or pretty darn close to it, who have loving homes, wonderful parents and are being raised with values and ethics. And I know kids who live in million dollar homes, drive brand new Hummers when they are sixteen years old, and have miserable lives. Bad parenting, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, molestation ... these things occur in familes from every income level. Simply because it is a two-parent, affluent household does NOT necesarily make it a good home. And just because it is a single-parent, lower income household does NOT necesarily make it a bad home.

I was a single parent for fifteen years. My son was loved, cared-for and taken care of. We had less possessions than some families ... but we had more than others. And a happy child, a loved child, a good home has almost NOTHING to do with possessions anyway. I know a lot of weathy single women, and I know a lot of dirt-poor married couples. Your assumptions and prejudices simply astound me.

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

[mruffruff]

My daughter decided to keep her baby girl and raise it alone. The father wanted no part of his daughter. My granddaughter is the light of my life and gave my daughter focus. She had the courts prove paternity and has child support deposited to her checking account every month. They don't have a lot but they have each other and me. Dad has only seen his daughter once when she was 3 months old--12 years ago. Now my granddaughter wants to know why. I don't have any answers.

Give yourself time to really think about what can happen in the future. Your child will be affected by your decision as much as you will be. If this person is truly not redeemable, maybe you should cut him out of your life. But most people can change. Even if he isn't a good example to your child, he can be a lesson of what NOT to become. And the law says he WILL support his child.

I would hope that this child would be spared any dramatic confrontations. Screaming matches (or more!) scar little ones.

The future holds no guarantees. Going it alone will be tough but you can do it if you are strong and think things through before making any decisions.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

Jen, if I'd waited until I reached Marigold's high standards of parenthood I wouldn't have had almost 18 years with the most beautiful, kind, caring, thoughtful child that was ever born. Children need love, food, security, warmth and clothing not all the fancy clobber that "adults" seem to think is important

[racing_gurl07]

I didnt mean to make this thread to start any agurements or anything. I just wanted some advice so the babys father isnt in the picture. Yes i know most of you dont know the whole situation, but let me explain so you can understand better....

The father of the baby, lets call him T, well T...when i first met him he drank ALL the time. spent all of our money on acholol, we were broke...and we worked our butts off, but every penny he made he had to buy beer or whatever. About 4-5 nights a week he was Drunk, full out wasted. i wasnt pregnant at the time so i delt with it. When we found out we were pregnant...i made him promise that he would try and stop, well atleast cut down, but never did and never did. At that time we had to move in with his dad, I only lived there for about 2 weeks. What really set me off was...i was gone for about 5 days with my family i come back and he said he has been durnk for 2 days straight..well thats just great. and about 3 nights after that, he went out and bought more..he told me i could of told him to not buy it, but its not MY problem..its his..he has to deal with it. but anywy..that night he got REAL drunnk and was yelling to himself (by the way his 6 year old daughter was in the house sleeping) I was upstairs sleeping, but couldnt because of his screeming to himself. Me and his sister left...i came back and told him i had enough so i got my stuff around 1 am and just left..i drove 2 hours to my parents. So thats that. I ve been living here at my rents for about 2 months now, i have a job (i dont make much but its money) im saving money up to get my own place, I am going to school either this fall or next spring, but that is all covered. With living with my parents they support me...i dont have to pay rent, food or anything, just have to clean up after myself. And after the baby is born its going to be the same way if i live with them. And if i dont live with them, they willstill help me anyway they can.

so anyway....thats my story about the Ex. and yes i did meet someone new, but he does support me, he hleps me out anyway i can. he comes to the doc appts with me, he knows hes not the real dad but id radther have him there than the real dad.....

Hope my story is clear now

[Cataholic]

Your story is your story, your business. Hope it wasn't anything I said that made you feel a need to explain. If you say the guy is a jerk, then, he is a jerk, and for now, can sit on the side lines. Doesn't mean he can't have a relationship, shouldn't have a relationship, can't change, won't change. For now, your numbero uno (did I spell that right? LOL) priority is Y.O.U. That is, up until the baby is born. Then, it is B.A.B.Y. Followed by you. Hard to say how a newbie male will fit into all that. If you can make it work, great.

I would stay with your 'rents as long as you can, and just chill out. Time has a way of showing us alot. Good luck, and know that you CAN do this, and WOW what a freaking blessing it is. Even though I have only been a parent 2.75 years ( ), I can tell you that time has been like no other. I might just about explode when I have ten years under my belt!

[Vela]

While being a heavy drinker is not a good thing, you also have to think of the child. Good or bad, this man is the father. That child needs a relationship with its father, unless that man is actually harming the child. No drinking isn't good, but a child needs to know its parents. It can severely mess a child up not knowing who the father is, as they get older. You need to try to have some sort of viable relationship to this person. You liked him enough at one time to get pregnant, so you need to give him a chance to be a father, even if you don't like him. It IS his right, as the father, to have the chance to be one unless he is harming that child. I know you think it's easier and better for you with him gone, but it's not only your choice and it's not only about you now. I think a child also has the right to know who their parents are, even if they aren't good parents, the child should at least know who they are. I am definitely NOT saying this in a rude way at all.

Hopefully in the future you can manage to have civil conversations with the actual father of the child and get along peacefully for that child's sake. It is not okay to cut him out of the child's life because you don't like him. I completely understand about his drinking, but not at least knowing who their real father is and trying to forge some sort of relationship, can really really cause problems for kids as they grow up.

I agree with Johanna's post above too, you and that baby are the #1 priority, but you do need to make allowances for a relationship in the future with the father, if he chooses to want to try to be one.

[Catty1]

that night he got REAL drunnk and was yelling to himself (by the way his 6 year old daughter was in the house sleeping)

Vela, the above indicates to me that certainly emotional harm would be done...his daughter might be used to this, but it will stay with her in a bad way...at 6 years old, that would be scary. Of course, we are not talking overnight visits with the unborn one.

If the dad can have sober visits in the future, that is one thing. I think maybe the grandfather has custody of the daughter?

Yes, a child may well have a right to know who their parent is...but that parent has to earn a bit of that priviledge.

JMO

[Vela]

I don't disagree with you that seeing those things could be harmful, but she is trying to write this guy out of the book right now, and he does deserve at least a chance to try to grow up and be a father to this baby. I would never suggest sending a child over to stay with someone who is drunk, etc., but she basically wants him to disappear and that's not the right thing to do either. It's a sticky ugly mess actually, it can't be cleaned up easily by just wanting the guy to go away, especially not if he WANTS to be a father to this baby. She needs to go to court, get child support etc., and then they can go to court to see about visitation. I didn't see my father for 17 years, after he left when I was 8, and that was very damaging to me, even though he isn't a great father or any knd of father to me at this point, I never speak to him. But I needed to know who he was at the very least. Every child needs to know that so she can't just make the decision for herself because she doesn't like the guy. That's all I was trying to point out.

[racing_gurl07]

There is no way in heck i can maintain a relationship with this babys father. He wont even talk to me now, i try and call him to talk about our money situation that we have to get straighted out, but he wont talk to me. Is not that i dont want this child to have a father but he has a serious problem that he has to fix before anything else happens. he is drunk around his 6 year old! hes not getting visitation rights until he goes to AA and sobers up or something. I am doing what is best for this child, I dont want their father to see them and take care of them when they are completely drunk. And drinking isnt his only problem...he has another but i dont want to go into that. I know what is best for my life and this childs life and it doesnt involved their father. And...if he didnt have serious life threating problems yes he would in in this childs life even if i didnt like him....

[Cataholic]

What money situation do you "have" to get straightened out? Why would you maintain ANY relationship with a man that does all these bad things? It is WAY to mama drama sounding to me. Way.

The father has no "rights" until the baby is born. Let. it. go. IF he chooses to do something after the birth, great. Worry about it then.

As for the child needing to know his/her parents..that is one I simply cannot buy. A child adopted, doesn't know his 'parents'. A child who loses a parent to death doesn't know his parent. A child whose parents divorce and one moves away might not know his parent. How come it is only the woman that says "I don't want the baby's father in our lives" that hears the importance of the "a child must know his parents"?

I have no intention of Jonah "knowing" his father. Now, that might change, since I can't control the father's actions, but, *I* won't initiate the call. Do I think my son will suffer? No. It is all in the manner it is explained, dealt with, and even then, it could just be the child is bound to have issues over something with or without 'knowing' his parent. Many a child has issues, and knows both parents inside and out.

The law provides a mechanism for paternity, and relationships between parent and child. It takes two to tango, and if someone wants to establish their rights, do it. Don't blame the person left holding the baby for NOT doing something.

[angelbow20]

I know how you feel. I was with my sons father for over 3 years, once I got pregnant he wanted me to abort my baby or he would break up with me well I chose to break up and when I was 8 months pregnant we broke up.. He never signed the birth cert. and my son has my last name, However I do let Aidens fathers mom see Aiden and he is aloud if he wants to, even though he barely does spend anytime with him. Take your ex to court for custody, get child support( he cant spend all his money on beer if he has to pay for his child and if he doesnt pay he goes to jail) You will never regret being a mother. My son is 3 yrs old now and I dont make much money at all but I live with my parents and that helps alot until I really get on my feet with being a young single mom. I admit its hard sometimes and I still want to cry sometimes but I know it will get easier and I love watching him grow to an amazing little boy. Also I forgot to add you can go to court to let his father get visitation rights but you can be with the baby when he see's the baby that way he is supervised at all times.

[sparks19]

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

Great Post Jen.....

My brother and his wife have FOUR children. They have a VERY modest income and live in a very tiny and very modest home. My sister in Law works during the day and my brother works during the afternoons. They almost NEVER have time together..... it's mostly about making money to survive and raise their kids. They don't have all the fancy trimmings, Three of the kids share a room right now while the baby has it's own nursery.

BUT..... they are one of the greatest families I have ever known. Those kids are so loving, helpful, and happy. Is it hard for the parents? You bet it is. But is life ever easy for any parent? They don't have top of the line clothes..... they don't have the best of the best. But they have A LOT of love. They are such an inspiring family and I hate to think that they would have given up those wonderful children just because they didn't make the big bucks. I don't think those kids could have found a greater home than the one they were born into. Those parents work so hard everyday to give those kids a great life... even if they don't have the MONEY to "buy their love"

My mom was also a single parent when she had my brother..... and her and my father ended up divorced when I was only a couple years old.... so she was basically a single mother then as well. She did not EVER ask my father for child support.... mostly because he was still very much in my life..... I am so glad she did not decide to give me or my brother up for adoption just because she didn't have a brand new vehicle or didn't have a phat bank account.

I find it very sad that anyone thinks money makes a good home for a child and if you don't have the big bucks you should give up YOUR child. That child is not missing out because you can't afford the latest video games or have the best vehicle on the road. That child is only missing out if you are not able to give the LOVE you should be giving. THAT is what makes a great parent.

Of course, I am not a parent yet technically so I guess my uninformed opinion doesn't matter.

Marigold, are you saying that if you had a chance to raise your kids all over again as a single parent you would give them up for adoption because it wasn't all sunshine and roses?

[racing_gurl07]

Dont get me wrong...I would love to see T in this babys life...he does great with his 6 year old daughter, but i just want people to understand that a baby cant be around somenoe who drinks. and if and when he sobers up, he then can ahve visitation rights like he has with his daughter. But it would be for the court to decide. I just hope he can get some help for his problems

[sparks19]

Dont get me wrong...I would love to see T in this babys life...he does great with his 6 year old daughter, but i just want people to understand that a baby cant be around somenoe who drinks. and if and when he sobers up, he then can ahve visitation rights like he has with his daughter. But it would be for the court to decide. I just hope he can get some help for his problems

Hey I don't blame you. I would not want someone like that around my child either... father or not. And if he won't change for that baby that just shows you how deep his problem is. He has to make the decision to get help and until he does I do not blame you one bit for not wanting him around that baby.

But it sure says a lot about you that you are willing to take on this endeavour even without him. You are a very strong woman and it takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing