Need some "legal" advice.....

[catnapper]

Marigold, I'm sorry you had to go it alone. Being a single mom is never glamorous. I wouldn't wish to be in any young mom's shoes. The fear, uncertainty, the overwhelming reality of it all.

but....
Who said this girl IS alone? Who said she's only making $8 an hour?

Ashley is a single mom. She is a college student. She WILL finish school and WILL make a good life for herself and Cameron. Her FAMILY and FRIENDS will make sure she's got enough money and support to make it happen in the meantime. She did NOT need the baby's father. She certainly did NOT need to give the baby up. I swear, the baby saved her life on soooo many levels. She now has focus and priorities and knows who is here for her.

racing_gurl, I reiterate, please find a support group with people who understand. Their knowledge and support can help in so many ways.

[Marigold2]

The baby saved her life in so many ways..............

Wow I had no idea a baby was responsible for a mom's life. No idea the baby was responsible for giving her direction. Will the baby be responsible for the rent as well?

This gives me so much confidence in her parenting skills. Perhaps she needs some therapy.

Sounds like she needs help in growing up herself, a baby is not a vessel for growing up.
You don't have a baby hoping you grow up, you have a baby when you are grown

[carole]

This thread seems to have changed some, i don't think she was asking advice on whether to adopt her child out or not, i believe that is not even an option for her, as she has never said so,she just wants advice on how to keep the father out of the picture.

Marigold i do respect your opinion and see where you are coming from, and yes you do have a ton of experience and like me have been on both sides of the fence,i have been a mother for 25 years, and i too was a solo parent for almost ten years and it was not easy by any means,and i was married, however adoption is not always the answer either,i am sure it has not even crossed her mind.

As for her new partner not being there in a six months time ,well none of us know that ,probably not even her,but i am sure she is thinking on the positive side with her new relationship, hoping not to go it alone and have a good father to her baby, only time will tell i guess in the long run,at least she has found someone she trusts and cares for, who also appears to feel the same for her and her unborn child, that is not always easy to find, i wish you the best of luck with everything and sincerely hope it does work for you both.

[catnapper]

The baby saved her life in so many ways..............

Wow I had no idea a baby was responsible for a mom's life. No idea the baby was responsible for giving her direction. Will the baby be responsible for the rent as well?

This gives me so much confidence in her parenting skills. Perhaps she needs some therapy.

Sounds like she needs help in growing up herself, a baby is not a vessel for growing up.
You don't have a baby hoping you grow up, you have a baby when you are grown

Hmmm.... you have not considered medical reasons for saving her life have you? They found MAJOR issues that they would have never found without him coming into the world. He saved her life by being born and her being in the hospital at the time. She has to have testing from now til eternity every 6 months to make sure the problem doesn't return. Nice sarcasm. Speaking of maturity, that was very mature on your part.

As for having a baby hoping to grow up... I agree. She didn't think this would suddeny make her an adult. She was terrified out of her mind. She CHOSE to grow up and accept the responsibility. She has been rewarded a thousand times over for that choice.

Ashley's maturity didn't happen overnight either. Its not as if she went to bed with a one day old infant and woke up the next day with a new level of maturity. In fact, it seemed as if she regressed the first few months. She was a helpless child herself. Scared. Lost. Uncertain. It took the past 12 months for her to blossom into a mature young woman... a young woman I am VERY proud of. She'll only continue on this bright new path and become an even more amazing young woman and mom.

Cam's father? Ha! He decided to remain as immature and selfish as ever and is reaping the seeds of what he has sewn. Having a baby did not in any way make him grow up. He made the choice to ignore his responsibilites and remain immature. Sucks to be him.

[Twisterdog]

Wow ... what a thread! I don't even know where to begin!

I have mixed feelings about the father of the baby not being able to see the baby. I obviously don't know any details, none of us do, so it's impossible to give really good, informed advice. But I will say this from my own experience - what I thought and felt about my son's father four months after we split up was skewed, to say the least. I hated that man, and saw only the worst in him. As I'm sure he did in me. However, time heals all wounds and changes all things. He really wasn't the son of Satan that I thought he was at the time, and he certainly grew out of the bad habits he had in his early twenties. He is my son's father, and while he hasn't been the best father, he hasn't been the worst, either. And by knowing his father, my son has learned many things ... including the kind of father he does not want to be. Obviously, if this baby's father is a true creep, this is not applicable. But I'd be careful making hasty judgements about a man you just broke up with when you are both young. That baby and that man have the potential for a lifetime together as father and son ... with the rough places and good alike that come with any human relationships. Don't be too quick to erase that potential.

And Marigold's post ... wow. Do you seriusly believe that being able to afford a nice car and braces makes you a good parent? Or that driving an old car and not having a college education makes you a bad parent? I know children who are living in poverty, or pretty darn close to it, who have loving homes, wonderful parents and are being raised with values and ethics. And I know kids who live in million dollar homes, drive brand new Hummers when they are sixteen years old, and have miserable lives. Bad parenting, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, molestation ... these things occur in familes from every income level. Simply because it is a two-parent, affluent household does NOT necesarily make it a good home. And just because it is a single-parent, lower income household does NOT necesarily make it a bad home.

I was a single parent for fifteen years. My son was loved, cared-for and taken care of. We had less possessions than some families ... but we had more than others. And a happy child, a loved child, a good home has almost NOTHING to do with possessions anyway. I know a lot of weathy single women, and I know a lot of dirt-poor married couples. Your assumptions and prejudices simply astound me.

[JenBKR]

And Marigold's post ... wow. Do you seriusly believe that being able to afford a nice car and braces makes you a good parent? Or that driving an old car and not having a college education makes you a bad parent? I know children who are living in poverty, or pretty darn close to it, who have loving homes, wonderful parents and are being raised with values and ethics. And I know kids who live in million dollar homes, drive brand new Hummers when they are sixteen years old, and have miserable lives. Bad parenting, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, molestation ... these things occur in familes from every income level. Simply because it is a two-parent, affluent household does NOT necesarily make it a good home. And just because it is a single-parent, lower income household does NOT necesarily make it a bad home.

I was a single parent for fifteen years. My son was loved, cared-for and taken care of. We had less possessions than some families ... but we had more than others. And a happy child, a loved child, a good home has almost NOTHING to do with possessions anyway. I know a lot of weathy single women, and I know a lot of dirt-poor married couples. Your assumptions and prejudices simply astound me.

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

[mruffruff]

My daughter decided to keep her baby girl and raise it alone. The father wanted no part of his daughter. My granddaughter is the light of my life and gave my daughter focus. She had the courts prove paternity and has child support deposited to her checking account every month. They don't have a lot but they have each other and me. Dad has only seen his daughter once when she was 3 months old--12 years ago. Now my granddaughter wants to know why. I don't have any answers.

Give yourself time to really think about what can happen in the future. Your child will be affected by your decision as much as you will be. If this person is truly not redeemable, maybe you should cut him out of your life. But most people can change. Even if he isn't a good example to your child, he can be a lesson of what NOT to become. And the law says he WILL support his child.

I would hope that this child would be spared any dramatic confrontations. Screaming matches (or more!) scar little ones.

The future holds no guarantees. Going it alone will be tough but you can do it if you are strong and think things through before making any decisions.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

Jen, if I'd waited until I reached Marigold's high standards of parenthood I wouldn't have had almost 18 years with the most beautiful, kind, caring, thoughtful child that was ever born. Children need love, food, security, warmth and clothing not all the fancy clobber that "adults" seem to think is important

[racing_gurl07]

I didnt mean to make this thread to start any agurements or anything. I just wanted some advice so the babys father isnt in the picture. Yes i know most of you dont know the whole situation, but let me explain so you can understand better....

The father of the baby, lets call him T, well T...when i first met him he drank ALL the time. spent all of our money on acholol, we were broke...and we worked our butts off, but every penny he made he had to buy beer or whatever. About 4-5 nights a week he was Drunk, full out wasted. i wasnt pregnant at the time so i delt with it. When we found out we were pregnant...i made him promise that he would try and stop, well atleast cut down, but never did and never did. At that time we had to move in with his dad, I only lived there for about 2 weeks. What really set me off was...i was gone for about 5 days with my family i come back and he said he has been durnk for 2 days straight..well thats just great. and about 3 nights after that, he went out and bought more..he told me i could of told him to not buy it, but its not MY problem..its his..he has to deal with it. but anywy..that night he got REAL drunnk and was yelling to himself (by the way his 6 year old daughter was in the house sleeping) I was upstairs sleeping, but couldnt because of his screeming to himself. Me and his sister left...i came back and told him i had enough so i got my stuff around 1 am and just left..i drove 2 hours to my parents. So thats that. I ve been living here at my rents for about 2 months now, i have a job (i dont make much but its money) im saving money up to get my own place, I am going to school either this fall or next spring, but that is all covered. With living with my parents they support me...i dont have to pay rent, food or anything, just have to clean up after myself. And after the baby is born its going to be the same way if i live with them. And if i dont live with them, they willstill help me anyway they can.

so anyway....thats my story about the Ex. and yes i did meet someone new, but he does support me, he hleps me out anyway i can. he comes to the doc appts with me, he knows hes not the real dad but id radther have him there than the real dad.....

Hope my story is clear now

[sparks19]

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

Great Post Jen.....

My brother and his wife have FOUR children. They have a VERY modest income and live in a very tiny and very modest home. My sister in Law works during the day and my brother works during the afternoons. They almost NEVER have time together..... it's mostly about making money to survive and raise their kids. They don't have all the fancy trimmings, Three of the kids share a room right now while the baby has it's own nursery.

BUT..... they are one of the greatest families I have ever known. Those kids are so loving, helpful, and happy. Is it hard for the parents? You bet it is. But is life ever easy for any parent? They don't have top of the line clothes..... they don't have the best of the best. But they have A LOT of love. They are such an inspiring family and I hate to think that they would have given up those wonderful children just because they didn't make the big bucks. I don't think those kids could have found a greater home than the one they were born into. Those parents work so hard everyday to give those kids a great life... even if they don't have the MONEY to "buy their love"

My mom was also a single parent when she had my brother..... and her and my father ended up divorced when I was only a couple years old.... so she was basically a single mother then as well. She did not EVER ask my father for child support.... mostly because he was still very much in my life..... I am so glad she did not decide to give me or my brother up for adoption just because she didn't have a brand new vehicle or didn't have a phat bank account.

I find it very sad that anyone thinks money makes a good home for a child and if you don't have the big bucks you should give up YOUR child. That child is not missing out because you can't afford the latest video games or have the best vehicle on the road. That child is only missing out if you are not able to give the LOVE you should be giving. THAT is what makes a great parent.

Of course, I am not a parent yet technically so I guess my uninformed opinion doesn't matter.

Marigold, are you saying that if you had a chance to raise your kids all over again as a single parent you would give them up for adoption because it wasn't all sunshine and roses?

[racing_gurl07]

Dont get me wrong...I would love to see T in this babys life...he does great with his 6 year old daughter, but i just want people to understand that a baby cant be around somenoe who drinks. and if and when he sobers up, he then can ahve visitation rights like he has with his daughter. But it would be for the court to decide. I just hope he can get some help for his problems