Need some "legal" advice.....

[Marigold2]

How about giving the baby up for adoption. This way you never have to deal with him ever again and you can start a new life without being a single mom which by the way is one of the hardest things to do. Not just time wise, but money wise as well. His parents can down the road make your life hell along with him and the rest of his family.

[catnapper]

I would meet other women in your position and talk with them. You already know the father isn't good for you. Thats a step many women take too long to take. There is a lot of help out there for women who are escaping bad relationships with children. They have heard it all and know how to help. Go seek them out.

[Cataholic]

How about giving the baby up for adoption. This way you never have to deal with him ever again and you can start a new life without being a single mom which by the way is one of the hardest things to do. Not just time wise, but money wise as well. His parents can down the road make your life hell along with him and the rest of his family.

What? Give a baby up so that the woman doesn't have to deal with the man again, and start a new life?

It is hard? So, give the baby up? Being a single mom is not the hardest thing to do. In fact, I am surprised at how easy and uncomplicated my life is. Raising Jonah is probably the greatest thing I have ever had the pleasure of doing, and I get to do it full-time, all 'alone', and totally without regret.

Maybe that is because I am focused on my one and only priority- raising my son. My wants/needs/desires(LOL on that one, he he he...I mean it in the most innocent of terms) all take a second chair, gladly. I don't want/need/care for having another adult in my life.

Racinggrl- I don't think I would begin to get involved with anyone at this point. Your life, as you knew it, is going to be flopped upside down. Frankly, I can't imagine you having the time/energy to devote to a new relationship, other than the baby. I would prolly stop focusing on what life is going to be like in 6 months, and who, besides your baby, will be in it. Please don't p*** away your pregnancy and first few months with a newborn on some new "love". It is time you will never get back, and chances are good, sadly, that your new "love" won't be there in another 6 months.

[JenBKR]

I am glad that you realized that the father is no good for you now. I agree with catnapper that too many women take too long to figure that out. I'm glad that the new boyfriend is stepping up for you. I also agree that it might be good for you to find other women in the same position as you - I am sure that you could find a support group or even an online forum that would be good. I do know that you have a good support system, so I am happy for that.

[Marigold2]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.

What? Give a baby up so that the woman doesn't have to deal with the man again, and start a new life?

It is hard? So, give the baby up? Being a single mom is not the hardest thing to do. In fact, I am surprised at how easy and uncomplicated my life is. Raising Jonah is probably the greatest thing I have ever had the pleasure of doing, and I get to do it full-time, all 'alone', and totally without regret.

Maybe that is because I am focused on my one and only priority- raising my son. My wants/needs/desires(LOL on that one, he he he...I mean it in the most innocent of terms) all take a second chair, gladly. I don't want/need/care for having another adult in my life.

Racinggrl- I don't think I would begin to get involved with anyone at this point. Your life, as you knew it, is going to be flopped upside down. Frankly, I can't imagine you having the time/energy to devote to a new relationship, other than the baby. I would prolly stop focusing on what life is going to be like in 6 months, and who, besides your baby, will be in it. Please don't p*** away your pregnancy and first few months with a newborn on some new "love". It is time you will never get back, and chances are good, sadly, that your new "love" won't be there in another 6 months.

[catnapper]

Marigold, I'm sorry you had to go it alone. Being a single mom is never glamorous. I wouldn't wish to be in any young mom's shoes. The fear, uncertainty, the overwhelming reality of it all.

but....
Who said this girl IS alone? Who said she's only making $8 an hour?

Ashley is a single mom. She is a college student. She WILL finish school and WILL make a good life for herself and Cameron. Her FAMILY and FRIENDS will make sure she's got enough money and support to make it happen in the meantime. She did NOT need the baby's father. She certainly did NOT need to give the baby up. I swear, the baby saved her life on soooo many levels. She now has focus and priorities and knows who is here for her.

racing_gurl, I reiterate, please find a support group with people who understand. Their knowledge and support can help in so many ways.

[Marigold2]

The baby saved her life in so many ways..............

Wow I had no idea a baby was responsible for a mom's life. No idea the baby was responsible for giving her direction. Will the baby be responsible for the rent as well?

This gives me so much confidence in her parenting skills. Perhaps she needs some therapy.

Sounds like she needs help in growing up herself, a baby is not a vessel for growing up.
You don't have a baby hoping you grow up, you have a baby when you are grown

[carole]

This thread seems to have changed some, i don't think she was asking advice on whether to adopt her child out or not, i believe that is not even an option for her, as she has never said so,she just wants advice on how to keep the father out of the picture.

Marigold i do respect your opinion and see where you are coming from, and yes you do have a ton of experience and like me have been on both sides of the fence,i have been a mother for 25 years, and i too was a solo parent for almost ten years and it was not easy by any means,and i was married, however adoption is not always the answer either,i am sure it has not even crossed her mind.

As for her new partner not being there in a six months time ,well none of us know that ,probably not even her,but i am sure she is thinking on the positive side with her new relationship, hoping not to go it alone and have a good father to her baby, only time will tell i guess in the long run,at least she has found someone she trusts and cares for, who also appears to feel the same for her and her unborn child, that is not always easy to find, i wish you the best of luck with everything and sincerely hope it does work for you both.

[catnapper]

The baby saved her life in so many ways..............

Wow I had no idea a baby was responsible for a mom's life. No idea the baby was responsible for giving her direction. Will the baby be responsible for the rent as well?

This gives me so much confidence in her parenting skills. Perhaps she needs some therapy.

Sounds like she needs help in growing up herself, a baby is not a vessel for growing up.
You don't have a baby hoping you grow up, you have a baby when you are grown

Hmmm.... you have not considered medical reasons for saving her life have you? They found MAJOR issues that they would have never found without him coming into the world. He saved her life by being born and her being in the hospital at the time. She has to have testing from now til eternity every 6 months to make sure the problem doesn't return. Nice sarcasm. Speaking of maturity, that was very mature on your part.

As for having a baby hoping to grow up... I agree. She didn't think this would suddeny make her an adult. She was terrified out of her mind. She CHOSE to grow up and accept the responsibility. She has been rewarded a thousand times over for that choice.

Ashley's maturity didn't happen overnight either. Its not as if she went to bed with a one day old infant and woke up the next day with a new level of maturity. In fact, it seemed as if she regressed the first few months. She was a helpless child herself. Scared. Lost. Uncertain. It took the past 12 months for her to blossom into a mature young woman... a young woman I am VERY proud of. She'll only continue on this bright new path and become an even more amazing young woman and mom.

Cam's father? Ha! He decided to remain as immature and selfish as ever and is reaping the seeds of what he has sewn. Having a baby did not in any way make him grow up. He made the choice to ignore his responsibilites and remain immature. Sucks to be him.

[Twisterdog]

Wow ... what a thread! I don't even know where to begin!

I have mixed feelings about the father of the baby not being able to see the baby. I obviously don't know any details, none of us do, so it's impossible to give really good, informed advice. But I will say this from my own experience - what I thought and felt about my son's father four months after we split up was skewed, to say the least. I hated that man, and saw only the worst in him. As I'm sure he did in me. However, time heals all wounds and changes all things. He really wasn't the son of Satan that I thought he was at the time, and he certainly grew out of the bad habits he had in his early twenties. He is my son's father, and while he hasn't been the best father, he hasn't been the worst, either. And by knowing his father, my son has learned many things ... including the kind of father he does not want to be. Obviously, if this baby's father is a true creep, this is not applicable. But I'd be careful making hasty judgements about a man you just broke up with when you are both young. That baby and that man have the potential for a lifetime together as father and son ... with the rough places and good alike that come with any human relationships. Don't be too quick to erase that potential.

And Marigold's post ... wow. Do you seriusly believe that being able to afford a nice car and braces makes you a good parent? Or that driving an old car and not having a college education makes you a bad parent? I know children who are living in poverty, or pretty darn close to it, who have loving homes, wonderful parents and are being raised with values and ethics. And I know kids who live in million dollar homes, drive brand new Hummers when they are sixteen years old, and have miserable lives. Bad parenting, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, molestation ... these things occur in familes from every income level. Simply because it is a two-parent, affluent household does NOT necesarily make it a good home. And just because it is a single-parent, lower income household does NOT necesarily make it a bad home.

I was a single parent for fifteen years. My son was loved, cared-for and taken care of. We had less possessions than some families ... but we had more than others. And a happy child, a loved child, a good home has almost NOTHING to do with possessions anyway. I know a lot of weathy single women, and I know a lot of dirt-poor married couples. Your assumptions and prejudices simply astound me.

[Roxyluvsme13]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.

Just to comment on this..

My mom is a single mom. We almost lost our house. We lost our car. We had to walk places. We couldn't pay the bills, we went without electricity for two + days until my mom finally decided to ask for help.

But.. we got through it all. And it sucked.

Life isn't going to be a fairytale, even if you have a car, a job, a house, food, etc. And just because you're a single mom doesn't mean anything. There's a lot of strong single moms out there, including my own, and really, I think being a single mom makes you stronger. It makes you fight harder for what you do and care more about your kids.

And Jen, I don't think you should put your baby up for adoption. I can't even believe people are suggesting that.

[cyber-sibes]

I commend your choice of having the baby rather than not. I also agree that letting an irresponsible alcoholic "father" have any rights would be insane. I'm not sure how the legal system is these days, if he actually has any rights or not. There are probably social services where you can talk to a lawyer & find out for sure.
In spite of some tough times, raising my sons was the most rewarding thing I've ever done. And I did it as a single parent for many years. The ongoing hell of dealing with an ex who is fighting over the kids is just awful, so don't get roped into some legal arrangement with the baby's father unless you really want to complicate your life for the next 21 years.

Only you can decide what you think is the right course of action, but know that many of us offer advice based on life experience...but

Please, rethink starting a new relationship at this time, you already have so many changes going on in your life. This baby should be the only new relationship that is a top priority right now. It is a relationship that will last the rest of your life, and it's going to take all your energy & time for a while. "Motherhood" totally redefines "full time". Plus the emotional changes you'll experience, (you can't imagine )... throw a new man in the mix and you may find yourself very mixed up. Your baby needs you 100% now.

Good luck!

[Karen]

Good wishes for you and the new baby. I am glad for you and the baby that you realized the father was bad news, and hope you can find the lgeal help you may need. I would reccomend to take it slow with the new relationship, just in case. After all, your hormones are, of course, doing funny things right now, and that affects one's thought process!

That said, I do know one couple who started dating when she was pregnant with an ex-boyfriend's baby. They have since married, and "D" is the only father all three of their girls have ever known. Some day, "C" will probably explain to her eldest daughter why she looks so much different than her sisters, but the family is just that - a family.

[Cataholic]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.

Surely, you weren't referring to ME as someone acting like a two year old, not wanting to share her barbie, were you?

You sound angry, resentful, and bitter. Maybe you are, maybe you are not. I dunno. But, I do believe having those traits could make ANY money one has meaningless. It can't be about money.

I make a modest income, have health benefits, two weeks paid holiday, and live in my own home (well, the bank and I...). I am, like many people, subject to homelessness, loss of benefits, and the like, with not much more than the loss of my job. Married, a hundred years old, or single, not much changes the fact that most of us, if we lose our jobs, would be in a dire situation. It can't be about money.

Probably, it is this particular comment of yours that gets under my skin:

Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave.

I guess this means that 1) if you do not stay home with your child you cannot be a good mother; 2) if you do not have a car, you cannot be a good mother; 3) if you do not have good medical coverage, you cannot be a good mother; 4) if you are not part of a 'loving family', by which I read into- married, you cannot be a good mother.

Stunning, insulting, outdated, and generally, hurtful.

[Alysser]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.

This is your idea of a loving home? A home is somewhere where you get love, support, comfort, etc. If she can support the baby, then she can, it doesn't have to be the most fancy stuff and it doesn't have to ALWAYS involve money. Sure that is a huge factor, but I know plenty of examples of people who aren't the richest and they are always the most happy in the end. Just because you can't always provide the best, it doesn't make you a bad parents. I can't believe adoption was even suggested...


By the way, do you think every single mother or middle class-lower class family should put their kids up for adoption? If we all lived by your standards no one would have kids.