Oh Gina I so don't envey your situation right now, it tearing you apart i can read that in your threads, I wish i had the magic answer, but sadly i Don't, just know everyone is here to help and support you through this, and hey as you put it, you will loose yourself, well then where would all of those kitties be, i know and trust you will hopefully come up with a decision that is right for you and your furbabies, and wish you all the luck in the world, HUGS.