Robin,

You are to be commended for opening up to everyone like that. I know it must not be easy to put your personal feelings out there for all to see. I look at you as such a brave, kind-hearted, compassionate person. Your son is wrong. There is nothing about you that is loser-ish. I am sure he doesn't mean that. I know he loves you like crazy and if he knew how much it hurt you, he probably wouldn't have said anything.

To deal with a serious disease or illness almost always involves depression. I went through a similar thing as you. When I was diagnosed with diabetes, my mom was crushed. I felt like I had to be strong for my family and act braver than I was. I eventually got to the point though where I started breaking down because I had never dealt with my feelings. I've been through some bad episodes of feeling depressed. My doctor kept trying to put me on drugs, but I refused. I think they throw those in our faces way too much. I'm sure they really help a lot of people, but I personally don't like to take a bunch of medications. I also never felt comfortable with counseling.

What I find helps me might not help the next person. I still have moments where I want to break down, but I usually take a deep breath and try to let it go. I try to pick out the positive things in all situations. Even if it feels like the world is crumbling around you, there will always be something that is positive. I focus on that and try to create more positives from it. I also started doing Yoga. I'm not very good at it and probably look like a fish out of water flopping around, but I promise it is SOOO relaxing. It really clears my mind and allows me to approach my day much more calmly. I just grabbed a few cheap beginner DVDs at Walmart. Even if I don't physically do it, sometimes I'll still pop the tape in because it is soothing to listen to. Breathing exercises help tremendously.

I also sympathize with you on the weight issue. I've gained a massive amount of weight which has been really hard on me. I was so active in high school and was in incredible shape. Now after college, I'm a big diabetic blob. I fear social situations because I feel too fat. I always like to be under blankets and wear baggy clothes (really sucky in Texas when it is SO hot and humid). I try to run to food as a comfort, but that generally makes it worse. When I start eating right, I notice a difference in my attitude and appearance. I usually regress back at some point though. The first step is the hardest in losing weight. After that, each step gets a little easier.

Ok, I probably didn't tell you anything helpful, but I wanted you to know that I understand a little of how you feel. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk, as I'm sure many other PTers are. We all love you so much. Cancer survivors are such strong, incredible people. I think you are so brave to go through what you did. I know everyone that has met you thinks the world of you. I think the world of you and I haven't even met you! You're a beautiful person with the prettiest twinkling eyes... and a beauty on the inside to match. I'll be praying you can find something to help you out of your depression. Some people can do it without drugs and counseling, so I realy hope you can find that one thing to pull you out.