What to say when someone has died?

**teenster3** · 09-30-2004, 10:28 PM

My friend Marci called me tonight in such sadness over her cousin's death this past Saturday.
I went to the funeral yesterday.
In case some people didn't read my other threads: Chad died on a motorcycle sat., was hit by a deer & wasn't wearing a helmet.
He was only 32 & has a 3 1/2 year old son that is left behind.
It was honestly one of the saddest funerals I have ever been to. It was a double funeral. Chad's mother died the day after him from a heart attack due to her son's death. I guess she just couldn't take the pain of her son dying like he did.
The hardest parts for me were when; Levi (Chad's son) was brought in by his mother & he cried out: "no mommy, I don't want to be here, I don't want to see daddy like this!"....

Also, when Marci got up to say her speech....you could just hear the PAIN in her voice, it was so devastating!!!
That was all at the wake.
The funeral was very sad too but, at the end Marci got on a Harley with another man & drove off from the funeral. She was wearing a Harley jacket that Chad had given her that, she hadn't had the chance to wear yet. It was almost to say: "Here you go Chad, this one's for you."
He LOVED his family, friends, & his Harley I was told!
Sorry so lengthy, I just want you to know the whole story. So, my question is: What do you say to COMFORT the person? Is there anything YOU CAN SAY???
I told her that I was here to listen & whatever she needed I was here for her! I JUST DON"T KNOW what to do!
Any ideas? Or is listening the best thing you can do???
Tina

**micki76** · 09-30-2004, 10:45 PM

Just listen.

Also, in a couple of weeks or a month, people will stop calling to check and see how she's doing. That's where you can do the best thing for her, call and ask how she's doing.
When you lose a loved one, you tend to get swarmed by people at first, then they sort of get back to their usual lives and forget that the person grieving is still in pain. It feels so good to know that your pain hasn't been forgotten; that someone remembers what happened to you, and that they're still willing to lend a shoulder to cry on.

**slick** · 09-30-2004, 10:55 PM

You know Tina in a way we are all going through this too on account of Laurie's Mom's passing. Some people want to talk it out and others just want to be left alone to grieve in peace. Let her take the lead but reassure her that you will always be there to listen. Marci is lucky to have a good friend like yourself.

When my Father passed away in 1995 people kept coming up to me for weeks saying "Are you alright??" and patting me on the arm. After a week of this I was ready to punch out the next person that asked me that. There is sympathy, then there is too much sympathy.

Could you maybe give it week then ask her out for coffee or something just to talk. Spending a bit of time one-on-one can tell you which path she wants to take.

Oh yes, and if she does get emotional, let her cry and tell her it OK to cry. Some people (like me...) get really embarrassed if they feel tears coming on in front of people.

**nibblets** · 09-30-2004, 11:06 PM

When my dad passed away, the best thing in my opinion was merely...I'm sorry. Its sincere and it says exactly what you feel. There are times when too many words just get lost, and this is one of them.

**trayi52** · 09-30-2004, 11:18 PM

When my dad died, I just could not talk at all. Not even on the phone, so I think saying I'm sorry is just the best thing to say.

**jazzcat** · 10-01-2004, 12:18 AM

Having just gone through this with Mom's death I can tell you the others are right, just say you are sorry and be there for her. I also agree that people constantly asking if you are okay is not good. I could tell that everyone was just looking at me all time like they were expecting me to break down. That look and that question really worked my nerves.

**guster girl** · 10-01-2004, 10:49 AM

I always just tell people that I'm there if they need me to be. I've lost my own father, I can relate to losing someone. But, even then, when you've lost someone, it's hard to see past your own misery, and, realize that someone else might actually understand what you're feeling, so, it's just better to listen. Such a crappy thing to have to go through.

**lizzielou742** · 10-01-2004, 10:56 AM

Maybe it's just me, but after my grandfather died, "I'm sorry," really started to get on my nerves. It's like, why are you apologizing? Or do you just mean you feel sorry for me? And I can't stand people feeling sorry for me. "Are you OK?" is another one like that.

IMO, the best thing you can do is just be there to listen, and offer a shoulder to cry on - not just now, but in the months and years to come. She'll have a lot of support right now...but her true friends will be there for her six months or a year from now, in the middle of the night, when she can't stop crying...they'll be the ones calling to check up on how she's doing on Christmases and Valentine's Days and birthdays in the years to come...you know what I mean?

What a horrible experience for your friend, her son, and her family.

I can't even begin to imagine it.

**Queen of Poop** · 10-01-2004, 08:25 PM

I'm sorry, accompanied with a hug is a good way to go. 18 years ago my 16 year old sister died in April, then my 17 year old brother died in August. An I'm sorry and a hug would have been a great thing to have gotten then. Same when someone loses a furkid. Again, I've lost two of mine this year.

**Karen** · 10-01-2004, 08:51 PM

When my Mom died, and people said, "I'm sorry" I fought the urge to tell them not to apologize, as they didn't cause her death, ALS - Lou Gehrig's disease - did. But I understood what they meant, so bit my tongue.

I think the "right thing to say" varies person to person, situation to situation, and I AM sorry I cannot be more helpful than that.

Drop her a note in a few weeks, ask if there's anything she needs, even if it's as simple as a cup of coffee, or as taking care of her child for an afternoon so she can have some time to herself. And listen.

**carole** · 10-02-2004, 12:22 AM

You know I think everyone has given you some excellent advice, just listening and being there is all one can do, your story is so similar to my husbands nephew, he too died in a motorcycle accident and was 32, he also left behind a young son, he was a bit older 5 or 6, but yes it is very sad. my sincere condolences to your friend and family.