Just need to vent and cry

[jazzcat]

As some of you know my father is 86, not in the best of health and has some dementia problems. I'm the closest child so I take care of him but I still live about 35 miles away. We have hired a caretaker who comes about 30 hours a week but I still go down 1-2 times a week plus I'm on the phone with him many times each day to make sure he's taking his meds, eating and drinking enough and dealing with whatever comes up.

I have two brothers and a sister who live away and we've all agreed that the best thing for Dad is to allow him to live in his house as long as possible since Mom died. This has been going on for 4+ years and it's becoming increasingly stressful for me. I know I'm very lucky that we can afford to hire a caretaker to help and that it could be so much worse for me but I'm so burned out. Every summer I help Dad grow a garden (actually I do most the work) because it's good for him mentally but it's become such a chore and now it's becoming an psychologic problem with Dad because he gets upset when the caretaker takes anything from the garden or it needs to be picked and I'm not getting down their fast enough to help him with it, stuff like that. This morning he called me upset because the caretake took four ears of corn. Now finally several phone calls and hours later I've gotten him calmed down and realizing he was being petty. It is something like that every day and it wears me out.

Oh well, I'm just needing to vent and my poor husband usually takes the brunt of my stress so I thought I would spare him today and unload here with you guys. I'm not really looking for any advice I just needed to get it off my chest before I burst into tears.

[Karen]

Have a good cry, dear - we have terrycloth for shoulders in my clan. Maybe the caretaker should write down "picked 4 ears of corn, thank you!" so you Dad might feel better, having the "crime" acknowledged?

[Taz_Zoee]

It's okay to cry. Sometimes that helps me feel a little better. And you know you can always come here to vent.
I'm sorry this is so stressful on you, but you will get through it. I think it's great that he gets to stay at home for as long as possible. A lot of children wouldn't want to deal with the "hassle".
I always think of the crap my parents had to go through with raising three kids. And I figure the least we could do for them when they get older is to care for them as they did for us. And that's exactly what you are doing.
Just think about the times you and/or your siblings probably stressed your parents out. They pulled through it and so will you.
So just go have a good cry and snuggle with the kitties.

[jazzcat]

Have a good cry, dear - we have terrycloth for shoulders in my clan. Maybe the caretaker should write down "picked 4 ears of corn, thank you!" so you Dad might feel better, having the "crime" acknowledged?

The bad part about it is that she asked him for them and he said okay but it upset him because he said he gave her a few ears earlier this week and that was enough. I've noticed that recently the dementia is making him very stingy with things.

Thanks for the shoulders.

[moosmom]

Jazzcat,

Cry anytime you want. I was in the same predicament when my Dad was alive. The only difference was my dad was a very bad alcoholic. After my stepmom passed away, he lost his will to live and did nothing but drink 24/7. I was his caretaker and there were MANY times all I did was cry. This was before I found PT.

11 years ago they didn't have support groups for children who are forced into caring for elderly parents. I only wish they did. You might want to consider looking into it.

Dementia and Alzheimers are two diseases that to me, along with depression, are the most crippling. When your mind goes, what's left??

I'll PM you with my cell number so if you ever want to talk, call me, okay???

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

Donna

[Barbara]

Lori, I send you a big hug. The bad thing with dementia is it also changes the character of people. And you now deal with a person who is no longer the person you love.
My mom passed away last year and this makes me very sad. But I also know that the person she was when she died was no longer the wonderful person she had been before.
I am sure that he feels so much better deep inside by being able to stay at home and having that garden. Wishing you lots of strength.

[Ginger's Mom]

More hugs coming your way, Lori. You are a very strong and loving daughter. I am not sure I could do what you are doing. As has been mentioned by others dementia can change a person so much, because they don't understand what is going on themselves. I am glad that you also have a caretaker to help with some of the day to day things. You have taken on a big responsibility and you can feel free to vent any time you would like.

[catnapper]

I'm so sorry ((((HUGS))))


I can only imagine the stress you're feeling. Please know you can vent here any time you want.

[jazzcat]

Thanks for all the hugs and letting me vent.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Lori, I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. Please feel free to vent here any time. We're all here to offer you emotional support. Please take care. (((HUGS)))

[Cookiebaker]

just wanted to send along a couple of big {{{hugs}}}. Im so sorry about your dad

[kuhio98]

I'm so sorry. I don't know what it has to be like this when we get older. My father-in-law was a very kind, generous man. With dementia, he got angry, stingy and mean. I think they're so confused. For some reason they think they're being taken advantaged of. Sigh...........

Any chance that you can get a break next summer? I know your siblings live far away, but could 1 or 2 of them plan their vacation in your area? Let them spend some time with him and give you a break.

[Pam]

More hugs coming your way, Lori. You are a very strong and loving daughter.

More hugs from me too. My mom is even older than your dad and suffers from dementia also. She lives in a nursing home 50 miles from me. It is in the town where she has been living since 1968 and she is there because originally I thought it the best place to be in order for her to have a flow of visitors. Now, years later, I wish she lived closer but I don't want to upset her world and the care there is second to none.

My mom also worried about her possessions early on. I feel that they are a link to the past and happier times. She would occasionally misplace things and think someone stole them. That is not at all uncommon. These days she knows who I am part of the time, but most of the time does not. Your dad is fortunate to still be able to live on his own and get some enjoyment out of his garden. I believe that when they lose interest in things they go downhill rapidly. It is a very sad thing, indeed, to watch a loved one decline like this. I have watched the Alzheimers patients at this facility and there is a clear distinction between dementia and Alzheimers from what I have observed. The dementia patients are just very confused and forgetful while the Alzheimers patients are living more in their own world and can become very combative. It is heartbreaking to visit there at times because I know that each and every one of these people at one time was living a full and happy life. I can totally understand the stress and sadness you describe and invite you to vent and cry any time at all. I doubt that I could carry the load you are carrying. (((hugs)))

[Randi]

Lori, I can't add much but here's a big hug from me too. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I remember how exhausting it was with my parents. Try to keep strong and have a good cry when you need to. When your dad is gone, you'll feel so much better for having been there for him.


Big (((hugs))))

[Medusa]

A burden shared is a burden lightened. (((HUGS))) to you.