Should I or Shouldn't I???

[moosmom]

I've been in somewhat of a funk the past couple of days. At first I thought it was because I turned another year older on Monday, and I usually go through a funk around that time. But this hasn't lifted.

I've been thinking alot about my father and his cat Tigger. Tigger died 3 years after my Dad. Dad ADORED Tigger and made me promise to take care of him when he (my Dad) dies. My best friend Susie took Tigger in because he didn't get along with my cats. When Tiggs died, Susie had Tigger cremated (she said he was special) and we each have a tablespoon of ashes in special porcelain containers (mine is a foot stool with a cat sleeping on it, Susie's is a chair with a cat sleeping in it). The rest of them she scattered in his favorite places (the woods behind her condo, in the yard at her beach house).

My father requested I scatter his ashes in Long Island Sound (5 minutes from my apartment), which I did. I also put a vile in the ground at my Mom's grave so they could be together. I've been seriously thinking about scattering MY Tiggs ashes from the pier where I scattered Dad's so they could be together as well.

What should I do??

[sirrahbed]

Donna, how about scattering a pinch off of the pier where you sprinkled your dad's ashes and then keeping the rest in the beautiful footstool container so you have him with you also?? How does that sound?

[sandragonfly]

hmm.. scatter half, keep half? I don't think there's wrong or right.

[jackie]

Do whatever feels right.

[Lizzie]

What I do with the ashes depends on the personality of the cat and my relationship with them. There are some - Thisbe, Sesat, Simka, Bete, Artful Dodger, who I was so close to and/or were so home loving that their ashes in cedar boxes remain on one shelf of a bookcase. Others, who were so wild at heart or I didn't have a close bond with them for some reason have their ashes buried under a tree or flowering shrub. I couldn't scatter them, though I know many people do. So, what I'm really saying is, go with your instincts. Tigger was not your cat and didn't live with you. You did as you promised your dad and took care of him. I get the sense from your post that you would prefer to let his ashes go. Unless it means a lot to you to keep his ashes, let him go.

[moosmom]

Lizzie,

I did love Tiggs. I wanted SO badly for him to live with me, but he had been an only cat for so many years, that it just didn't work out.

My Dad was found dead in his apartment (he was dead for 4 days when they found him) with Tiggs right by his side, not allowing anyone near his body. He had been locked in the apartment with Dad for over 3 days in the August heat with no air conditioning.

I had the same issue of ashes with my Dad's. My Dad and I talked in detail about his wanting his ashes scattered, so there was no question. But I also felt that scattering ALL of Dad's ashes would've been too "final". So, I bought a crystal jar with cover and placed some of them in there and sealed it. I did scatter the rest. After almost 2 years of looking at the jar of ashes everyday which depressed the hell out of me, I woke up one morning KNOWING that it was time to scatter the rest. I just had that feeling deep down inside. So that's what I did and I knew then that it was the right decision.

Tiggs' ashes are the final connection I have to my Dad. I guess maybe that's why I'm so confused.

[Karen]

Donna, they may be the final physical connection you have to your Dad, but you know that you dad is part of you, and always will be, no matter what. That's how parenthood works, for better or worse.

Deciding if you'd feel better or worse without Tigg's ashes around, but knowing he and your dad are resting together - I am afraid we cannot help you decide that, only your own heart can.

[Lizzie]

Donna - I didn't realilze you knew Tiggs so well and of course that makes it much more complicated and harder, that and the connection with your father.

The reason I choose to bury ashes under a tree or shrub is because I think of the cat's body being incorporated into something living that I see every day. Shahdee is a Rose of Sharon. Roo is a Philadephus (mock orange) "Albatre". Sam is a Western Red Cedar. However, I can only do this when I feel ready. I kept Roo's for years before I knew it was time to put them under a shrub I was planting. Shahdee's were buried very quickly because she was a very free spirit and wild at heart. It felt wrong to keep her ashes in a box.

I know that keeping the ashes can be very important. My Artful Dodger's are in the bedroom, the box covered in dried rose petals, and it will be a while before I can bear to even move them to the bookcase in the living room. I hope that the ones I've kept can be buried under a tree with mine, when that time comes. I can't imagine putting any of them in the ground, and Thisbe has been dead for 12 years.

Whenever I've hesitated about what to do with the ashes, I've stepped away from the decision and given myself more time. Perhaps you shoulnd't keep trying to make this decision but wait until it comes to you.

[moosmom]

I guess I need to give it more time. Maybe in the Spring when the weather is warmer/nicer. But, maybe not at all, because I tried to get the little box open and I sealed that thing up tight. Tiggs just may be with me forever!!!

Thanks for all your kinds words and advice. It made me feel a whole lot better.

[jackie]

((((Hugs))))

And happy belated birthday!

[moosmom]

Thanks Jackie!! Believe me, it was VERY uneventful.

[K9karen]

Oops..Happy Belated Birthday. I was so self absorbed the last few days, I forgot to check the birthdays, so I'm so sorry that I didn't drop you a line, uneventful or not- it's STILL your day,Think about the ashes before making a rash decision, if you're so unsure. I agree, waiting for spring may be a better idea, since winter can be so dark and depressing. I've told everyone I care about, plus have it in writing that all my pets ashes are to be buried with me, with their tags and pictures. It's just the way I feel and I don't are if anyone thinks I'm nuts.

[moosmom]

K9Karen,

What a great idea having your pets ashes buried with you. I also have very specific instructions in my will about my cats. And you're right, winter DOES have a depressing effect on people (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Now I know why bears hybernate.

[ramanth]

No advice but plenty of hugs.