Rules for Cats to Live By!
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is
not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get
door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once
door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have
ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out
and think about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair
quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on
the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans
bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the
rules for "hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance
of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between
eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible
or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out
and slap the pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First,
sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch
sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds
nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of
your ability. After being removed for the second time, push
pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her,
be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk
across keyboard bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay
in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they
have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first
get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot
move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much
litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter
between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans
cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under
any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic
(which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost.
Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and
kisses and you will probably get a treat.
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