Kitty thoughts

**Nomilynn** · 04-08-2002, 05:02 PM

I'm sure some of you have read/heard these before, but I get a kick out of them every time!

Enjoy!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY...

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling
objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included
a burning foamy
chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got
to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something
akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room
his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

**Nomilynn** · 04-08-2002, 05:03 PM

here's one more

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
>
> So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing
> so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have
> acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.
> There will be any number of times, during the course of your
> association with humans, when you will wonder why you have
> bothered to grace them with your presence.
>
> What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang
> around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have
> struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer
> is actually rather simple:
>
> THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
>
> Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening
> doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing
> television stations and other activities that we, despite
> our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do
> ourselves. True, chimps, orang-utans and lemurs also have
> opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
>
> 2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
>
> Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more
> important activities than taking care of your immediate
> needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their
> families or even sleeping.
>
> Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this
> work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment
> it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will
> do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its
> hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same
> practice.
>
> Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human
> to do what you want:
>
> Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has
> paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they
> assume is more important than you. They will often offer you
> a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this
> wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also
> works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car
> keys and small children.
>
> Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is
> between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your
> human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better
> than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent
> haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to
> scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to
> vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting
> suspicious.
>
> 3. Punishing Your Human Being
>
> Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human
> will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these
> extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human.
> Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
> household plants, are likely to backfire; the
> unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the
> activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer
> these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
>
> * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
>
> * Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a
> romantic interlude.
>
> * Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and
> feign a hairball attack.
>
> * After your human has watched a particularly disturbing
> horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back
> away, hissing and yowling.
>
> * While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
>
> 4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
>
> The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting
> humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled
> animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already
> dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly
> expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given
> their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures
> up after they've been presented.
>
> After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend
> the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
> lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should
> be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds,
> rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still
> living. When you see the expression on your human's face,
> you'll know it's worth it.
>
> 5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
>
> You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives.
> The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and
> matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones
> that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But
> what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable
> thumbs will only take you so far.