Things that a cat must remember

[AmberLee]

Things a Cat Must Remember:

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink’s drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not fish out my human’s partial plate from the glass so that the dog can “wear” it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.) [No matter how funny that would be. Hee, hee. ]

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my “kill.”

I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human’s candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don’t have to act as if I’ve just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. [Who made up this rule? Who says it isn't???]

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is
writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35
a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren’t laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet’s office so they will start writing things in my records like “Good Kitty” and “Sweet Kitty” instead of the stuff that’s there now like “MEAN!!” “BITER!!!” and “GET HELP!!!!!”

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human’s overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn’t as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

[AmberLee]

Kittens


A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

[momoffuzzyfaces]

MY SIDES HURT FROM LAUGHING SO HARD!!!!

You have brought such happiness to me today, my face hurts from grinning so much. Thanks so much!

I have one from my cats: I must remember not to catch a mousie and bring it to Mom while she is in bed. This is not HER idea of Breakfast in Bed.

[LoudLou]

Originally posted by AmberLee
Things a Cat Must Remember:
I will not fish out my human’s partial plate from the glass so that the dog can “wear” it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.) [No matter how funny that would be. Hee, hee. ]

Okay ... this has HAPPENED. Well, sorta... See, I wear dentures and one night I somehow lost my "Lowers" while I was sleeping I shot out of bed, Waking my husband while ripping the covers off him in a freezing room and yelled, "Don't MOVE! I've lost my teeth!"... The only thing going through my mind was Louie had eaten them and how would I explain it to the Vet or the Dentist. My next thought was what if Bonzo stole them and hid them as he is prone to do with things....Well, crisis was averted, teeth were found wrapped in blanket at foot of bed still haven't figured out how they got there.


Katie, Loud Louie & The Beans

[AmberLee]

I know, I know. Louie and the beans stored them there for safe keeping. (No? Okay. I'll take your word for it.)

Hee, hee. Isn't it great we can laugh about these crazy things afterwards?

[wolflady]

LOL LOL LOL It's a good thing that I'm looking at this at the END of my day instead of at the beginning when there are actually people in the office to hear me chuckling from my office...

Katie, your story was just too too funny! AmberLee is right...it's so good to be able to get a good chuckle out of interesting little happenings after the fact!

Here's some more cat humor

A Cat's Guide To Human Beings

Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.

What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

How And When to Get Your Human's Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire: the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film,stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

R O T F L
Those stories were soooo funny! !

[Logan]

I'm stressed and these are the funniest things I have read in a long, long, time!!! Thank you all!!!

[Pam]

I thought I had seen some funny things before about cats but these take the cake!!!!!!! Tears are running down my face! Thanks for a great laugh today!!

[purrley]

Amberlee - you're a wit thanks for getting me started on the right track this morning

[wolflady]

It's always good to start the day with a laugh...so, I thought I would share with you all the diet that I am contemplating. No matter how hard I try, it's so difficult for me to lose weight So unfair! I'm miserable and I hate the way I look. Anyway, I found this miracle diet!! Have a look see!

Cat Miracle Diet

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Cat Miracle Diet!
Most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for 4 days and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!


DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.


DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.


DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps, and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew on it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

[purrley]

OooooooooooYUCK - but it should work Now I know why my Spence is so SVELTE

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

LOL LOL
ROTFL

These are just hilarious!!! I still can't stop laughing over some of those first ones.

"Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. "
"We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep."
"I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. "



Heeeheeeeheeee,,,,
Just too, too funny!

The sad part is they are funny because we know they are true and either have happened to us already, or we wouldn't be surprised if they happened to us any day now.

[wolflady]

Originally posted by Tubby & Peanut's Mom
LOL LOL
ROTFL

The sad part is they are funny because we know they are true and either have happened to us already, or we wouldn't be surprised if they happened to us any day now.

You said it! LOL LOL