I had this strange attack of anxiety or panic or "something" this past week...Collin and I went home to Syracuse for 10 days last week. We stayed with my father, whom I lived with before I moved to be with Collin. Duncan came with us as my father adores him and Duncan adores my father. We also brought our betta fish with us as we know noone here who could have fed him while we were gone. The drive home is about 5 hours, give or take, considering bad weather....it's over 300 miles basically.
Well, we had a GREAT time at home, I saw all my family and friends. Collin saw everyone he wanted to see. He went to his 10 yr. high school reunion while we were home. I didn't want to leave. I am VERY close with my family, my parents as well as my sister and her 4 children. (2 of them are disabled and need lots of full time care. I felt like I was making a difference when I was home, making their lives better as well as taking a burden off my sister for a few hours at least.)
Collin and I came back to PA, both of us sorry to leave NY as we love home and hope to be able to return someday once our jobs allow us.
But I lost it. Don't get me wrong...I love Collin very very much and am happy to be with him. But I had a full blown panic attack the day after we returned. I HATE being 5 hours from my family. My heart was racing, I couldn't breathe, I was sweating. It took ALL my strength to NOT get in my car and drive home to Syracuse. I hugged and loved on Duncan and walked for HOURS around our neighborhood....I felt this overwhelming URGE to get in the car and go away from where I was. I walked and walked and walked until the soles of my shoes were falling off. (This is NO exaggeration!)
Has anyone else felt this type of terror? I have heard stories of others who have these "panic attacks" and they take medication. I do not want to take medicine. I have also heard stories of addiction to these drugs as well as just the general numbness that one feels on them. I want to be able to live my life...unfortunately, I can't. I am not scared of flying...I'm scared of flying where I can't get home by car. I will NEVER leave the US of A in a plane. IN fact this is the farthest I will ever go from my parents and my nieces. Even this scares me if I think about it because it is such a long drive and the roads can be treacherous if the weather is bad.... Collin and I talked about our honeymoon today and he is disappointed that I can never go on a cruise.(He is terrified of flying but not of cruises.)
My ideal honeymoon would be to go to Syracuse, get the "girls" (my nieces) and take them to the river (St. Lawrence, 1 hr away) for a week.
The panic I feel is debilitating....I cannot even explain it. Perhaps I have some kind of attachment disorder...? I want to be with my parents and my sister and brother and nieces and nephew ALL THE TIME. The thought of being out of their reach physically terrifies me. I am unable to perform basic human tasks....I cannot even breathe.
I will see a doctor once I have health insurance but again, I do not want medication to sedate me...I want to get over this. My family is very close knit, they are my priority and always will be. I love Collin very very much but he will never take the place of my parents and siblings.... I think this is unusual. People my age start their own families and move on don't they..?(I'm 33) but I can't. I will not start a family w/o my parents here to help me. If something happens to my parents, I don't see the point in continuing....it's a scary thought as I love life and Collin and his family and Duncan. But why continue on without a mother? (My mother has beat cancer twice, she is currently dealing with a recurrent skin cancer and, because of the drugs she took to beat cancer the first time, has congestive heart failure) Which I HATE! One of the drugs she took to beat the cancer gave her CGF as a "side effect." Failure should NOT be the name of the problem.....that makes me angry! Completely unfair!! She says to me that she would not be here now if it wasn't for that drug but how horrific is that?! A drug that saves you, kills you 10 years later.....At the time, they said it was a "side effect." Now it's a fact and I want to go back in time and suck it all out of her....This is a woman that was in the hospital for weeks and visited others who were much more sick than her. She would ask the nurses who had no visitors and drag her cancer ridden body around the ward to visit them and make them happy. If anyone is going to heaven, it's my mother. And as we speak, my grandmother, my mom's mother, is in the hospital dying....they don't think she will make it out alive. I am very very close with her too. I understand that she is 88 yrs old and will die but I just cannot do it...(I know it sounds crazy and maybe I am....The worst thing is to think of my mother without a mother of her own....it's so sad, so incredibly sad to go on in this world without parents....I don't know how anyone does
I just don't see how people do it....Please tell me.....Help me..... It overwhelms me and I am scared for my future happiness as well as that of my family.
Does anyone else go through these crazy panic attacks? I call my parents every single day and they tell me that they are fine, I'm fine, the kids are fine...but every day, I wake up in a sweat....
I cannot be the only one.....?
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12/02
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