Teenagers!!!

[Soapets]

Is it NORMAL behavior for a teenaged boy (almost 16) to want to run away from home just because he doesn't get his own way all of the time?!?!?

EXAMPLES: He wants to deplete his savings account and buy speakers and a CD player for a vehicle, but he doesn't even have a vehicle to put them into yet, NOR enough money to buy a vehicle!

He tried renting a movie called "All for Lust" at a local Movie Gallery, and they let him do it, but he got caught by his parents and they pressed charges against Movie Gallery for not checking his ID. This was AFTER he had tried this in the past, and both he and the store employees had been TOLD that charges would be filed if he tried it again and they let him get by with it.

He removed chemicals and equipment from his school's chemistry lab to do his own experiments at home, and his mother caught him and reported it to the school and made him take them back, and he got in-school suspension for it.

He had a copy of his parents' vehicle key made, without their permission, so he would have it when the time came for him to run away. His mother found it and confiscated it.

He refuses to do much of his school work, because he thinks it takes too much of his time, and he doesn't want to waste his time doing it. (He consistently earns ratings in the 97th-99th % on standardized tests, and as a seventh grader took the ACT test through Duke University's Gifted/Talented program and got a high enough score to earn State honors for it. )

He thinks he has to act "macho" or "tough" so other kids won't think he's a "wuss" in some situations with peers. He thinks that means he has to get into physical fights in some situations.

He packs two duffle bags with stuff that he is going to take with him when he runs away, but falls asleep before he gets a chance to leave late at night because his Mother stays up until she knows he's asleep, because she doesn't trust him. His Dad finds the duffle bags outside the back door early the next morning, and wakes his Mother up to show them to her.

His mother goes through the bags and discovers that he only packed ONE extra pair of socks, two shirts, NO extra pairs of underwear , NO toilet paper, NO hair gel, and NO extra pairs of jeans. He had duct tape, new speakers, bread, hot dog buns, (no hotdogs), a few canned food items (no can opener, no silverware, no plates), his mess kit from when he was in Boy Scouts, matches, video games and CD's (NO video game machine or CD player), fishing flies and some other fishing equipment, as well as the State booklet on 2005 fishing laws and regulations. These are a FEW of the things he had packed (or DIDN'T have packed but SHOULD have!)

He tells his parents he was going to run away for awhile because they are TOO STRICT

TEENAGERS!!!!!

[catnapper]

Good for your friend staying up all night. I've done it myself a few times when my daughter tried to slip out. Then you ask them what they were thinking and the answer is "I don't know" Thats the real answer: they DON'T know! They aren't thinking clearly, they are only thinking of how awful they have it.

When my son was a major attitude case last year, we sent him to Georgia to work on farm with cousins... it was a NIGHTMARE for him - the cousins were highly religious and went to church many times during the week, only watched he History Channel or Discovery. NEVER anything fun like MTV or even the Cartoon Network. And they ate regular good for you meals like broccoli and chicken... when he wanted Burger King and Pizza. Poor boy He cried to come home every day for weeks, and came home a different kid. It was the best thing we ever did.

[moosmom]

I am SOOOOOO glad my daughter turns 29 today!! I'd rather have a root canal through my butt than have to raise another teenager again!

I feel bad for his parents. I say let him go. He'll see how easy it is with a roof over his head, 3 squares a day and clothes on his back vs. living on the street.

[Corinna]

Moosemom AMEN!!!!!! My problem is getting my 21 year old son to move OUT. Any one want to trade.

[NoahsMommy]

It sounds pretty normal...for a teenaged boy.

My brother did a lot of stupid things that eventually landed him in juvy! My parents were divorced and my mom didn't keep her thumb on him like these parents seem to.

My advice would be to keep tabs on that kid. His results would show that he's gifted and thus bored in normal school. Maybe he should be put up a grade or put in honors classes? If they're bored in school...trouble begins. They seem to need to steer him in more positive areas...keep him so busy he wont have time to screw off?

[catnapper]

Originally posted by moosmom
I am SOOOOOO glad my daughter turns 29 today!! I'd rather have a root canal through my butt than have to raise another teenager again!

I feel bad for his parents. I say let him go. He'll see how easy it is with a roof over his head, 3 squares a day and clothes on his back vs. living on the street.

I agree.. but then you have to wonder, well, its too easy to fall into drugs on the street. If he's not already into that scene, you don't want him to go there.

When my daughter was at her worst, we threatened to send her back to her mother... she KNEW what life would be like there and decided to straighten out instead. Sometimes sending them somewhere else for a while is a good thing. They get homesick and learn a few lessons: mainly just how GOOD they had it at home.

[GraciesMommy]

My son turns 25 today so they share the same bday moosmom.

I wouldn't want to go thru those years again for nothing..17 nearly killed me..that Senior year~ didn't know if we would both live thru it..but we survived

[Suki Wingy]

Is this really normal?? I don't know anyone like this!

[LauraT7]

I'm a single mom of a teenage boy - almost 15 and freshman in high school. my Jon is ADHD and Gifted - like this boy, he tests in the top percentile on aptitude tests, and yet, at the moment, he's FAILING 3 classes because of his 'disorganizational disabilty'. However, Jon is nowhere near the crash point that this kid is - because school is the ONLY thing in life that he's failing.

I also am an active Boy Scout Leader, and a substitute teacher. My favorite grades to sub are Jr high (6th- 9th grade). I know alot of teenage boys - and I like them for the challenge they bring and what I can learn from them.

What strikes me most about this story is that I hear a very clear plea for HELP from this kid.

He's spiralling out of control, totallly confused, acting out, trying to get attention by pulling crazy, stupid stunts, and because he is physically old enough and large enough to get away with much of it - he's running amuck.

At his age, it's gonna be hard to get him back on track, and very painful for everyone involved.

Has anyone had him tested for drugs? does he drink? That would make his thought process even more convoluted - and if that problem could be resolved, it would help other issues. I would be willing to bet that drinking and drugs are part of his 'acting out'.

If his behavior isn't stopped NOW - I can almost guarantee that he's going to end up in serious legal trouble, soon.

From the list of things in his bags - I would also suspect that he didn't really mean to run away - he was TRYING to get 'caught', and if he actually did get out of the house, he'd be bunking at a friends. I also suspect that the 'running away' happened either right after a big parental showdown, or right before a weekend (when he'd be more likely to find a friends to stay at.) and was not truly 'planned' but more of an impulse. (Despite the key copy, which drving priveledges are a 'control' issue with kids, I'd bet taking the car was more of a 'fantasy' and probably a brag in front of his friends, than an actual 'plan')

He may think his parents are strict - and you don't give any example of what 'strict' means - to him or to his folks. But it sounds like he needs MORE structure, not less.

I'd be on this kid like his own personal police department.

He would only leave the house to go to school - until he had EARNED the right to go somewhere else. He would NOT be driving - at all. Not even for parental convienience. If he wants to behave like a kid, he gets treated like a kid, and kids don't drive.

CD's, games, etc would have to be EARNED back with homework time.

However - kids often say homework is 'stupid' or 'time wasting' when they really don't know how to do it. Just because a child shows 'intellegence' thru testing, doesn't mean he has the skills to navigate the requirements of his schoolwork. He may feel overwhelmed, need a tutor, or he may need to be tested for minor learning disabilities. ALOT of kids manage to make it thru school with minor disabilities, that aren't caught or diagnosed until the demands, pressure and competition of high school hit them full in the face. and then they fail miserably. Add Raging hormones to that, and you got a really confused kid. If he really IS gifted, that, too - can be a problem. Gifted kids get bored easily, and like bored pets - can turn destructive! 'Smart' does not equal "Mature". I haven't met a Teen yet that can truly follow things thru to a conclusion and consequences BEFORE they act. If the work is truly too easy for him - rote repetition is boring, and he turns his thoughts to something else. sometimes that means he misses important steps in classwork, and then falls behind or that he needs work more to his level. He'll resist that, too- but in the end, it will be better to keep his mind occupied.

My son HAS a disability, and an IEP (an Individual Education Plan)Our agreement with Jon in his math classes, is that as long as his test grades show he's understanding the concepts and passing tests with a 'B' or better, that he only has to do the first two problems in each section of a worksheet for homework. Just to show that he DOES understand the work. If he gets the wrong answer, then he has to do the WHOLE worksheet, because he obviously needs the 'practice' on that one.

Maybe this kid needs some 'tough love' and some negotiation of rules, expectations and priveledges. I would crack down on his friends, too. If they are not a good influence, I would find ways of making them vanish out of his universe. Peers are a big influence on teens - sometimes parents have to subtly manuver a kids friends.

I had a neighbor kid who used to drive me nuts - he was always thinking of reckless and destructive things for him and Jon to do, broke everything he touched, he wandered the entire town with no supervision at all. So I was polite to him - but every time he showed up, suddenly Jon and I had an 'appointment' to go to, or an errand to run that I absoulutly needed Jon's help on. If Jon was in the basement, I'd tell the kid Jon wasn't home. Sometimes I'd secretly call my mom, and have her call back & ask for Jon to come over to her house and do some chore for her, just to get Jon away from this kid. The kid would go find someone else to 'hang' with, and eventually gave up looking for Jon, as Jon was seemingly never home.

The kids I DID like - mostly Jon's boy scout friends - I encouraged to come over, fed them pop and pizza, had bonfires in the backyard, let them 'tinker' on stuff in my garage and with my tools, and set aside my 'errands' so we could stay home when they showed up. Jon's makeshift game room in our basement has become the local 'hang out' for a dozen or so teen boys. The rules are reasonable - keep the noise to a low roar, make sure the garbage hits the cans (and Jon has to empty them so they don't attract pests) any wrestling goes outside. Don't tease the animals. if you're not sure it's a good idea - ask. Most likely I'll let them do it, as long as they clean it up. The price is lots of pizza and pop. The reward is knowing my kid is safe, healthy and with GOOD friends. what a bargan.

Summer is coming up - I would look into some kind of program to get him into where he can get some 'space' from parents and see that HE has some choices and control over his life, and that the rules his parents have are really not so bad, in retrospect. a summer boot camp type of place- even a scout or church camp - if it has alot of structure to it's program. Maybe an outward bound type of thing (at least he'd learn how to pack for survival!) AWAY from everyone and everything he knows. Do it NOW, while he's still a minor and you still have some control over him.

when he comes back, Mom and Dad should have used their free time to work out reasonable rules & the priveledges they earn. Stick to it - be really hard nosed about it.

If you can -get him back in to Boy Scouts - or now they have 'Venture Scouts' which is not as 'childish' (not so much badges and rank advancements) They do high-adventure stuff - like canoing the boundary waters, mountain climbing and backpack treks. It's for boys AND girls, age 14 - 21. It would help him make better friends and give him some positive adult reinforcements he needs.

teens can be a pain - but its usually when they are IN PAIN. help this kid turn around!

Laura

[Oggyflute]

That makes an incredible amount of sense Laura. When I was a teen I think that the only thing keeping my life under some sense of control was the fact I was so active in scouts and playing football etc. Kids of the current generation do seem to be so involved in video games etc, that I'm sure that they tend to miss out on learning life skills that would come to them by being involved in an activity like scouts. For me the fact that i had to go away and play football for a few days or go hiking in the Blue Mtns for a week, meant a lot less time with my father, and I was all for that. Unfortunately it didn't stop me leaving home at 17 though, but fate interviened and I ended up joining the Air Force, which was the absolute best place to sort out a smart alec 17 year old. I was forced to grow up pretty quick and was learning skills constantly the whole time I was in. A 3 or 6 year stint in the defence force is probably the best advice I can give a teen who doesn't know what to do with their life. It certainly sorted me out.

[RICHARD]

When my brothers told my mom they wanted to run away she offered to drive them anywhere they wanted to go....

[Soapets]

This boy has ADHD and has been on medication for it since Kindergarten. He has been through the 2-week Boy's Town program 2 years ago, and one year ago his parents turned him over to the State on a voluntary basis as an uncontrollable juvenile.

That happened after he had shoplifted, and his parents found the hair care products he had shoplifted in his room, and they made him take them back to the business the next day after school and apologize. During the day that day his mother called the business and told them what they had discovered, and that they were going to make him bring the stuff back, and actually ASKED the business to press charges against him. That's what happened, so he was fined $200 plus $41.50 court costs.

His parents grounded him then, saying he couldn't go out and do anything that costed money until he had payed the fine off, and they weren't going to do it for him. Two nights later, the boy took off on his bike and rode it to the local skating rink after he told them he was going to go to bed. So his mother called the police to report that he had left the house without authorization, and told the police to check for him at the skating rink. The police caught him there within five minutes, and called the parents to come and pick him up. His parents told the police they couldn't control him, because he wouldn't obey their rules and he wouldn't do his school work and that they wanted him taken to the local youth shelter and turned over to the State Department of Social Services.

The boy ended up being in the youth shelter for four weeks, and then in a foster home for another 5 weeks. His parents said it was the most difficult thing they'd ever had to do, but they didn't feel they had a choice at that point, and they needed help with him. They had no idea what would happen, but they knew things would only get worse if they didn't take some drastic measures to stop him. He was a ward of the State for 6 months, even though he was placed back in his own home after that initial nine weeks out of the home.

He was doing very, very well until his mother told him about six weeks ago that he couldn't take money out of his Savings account to buy a set of sub-woofer speakers for a car until she had a chance to discuss it with his Dad, and possibly the Behavioral Services Team that the family has been working with. He actually started CRYING in Walmart, where they were when this conversation took place, to try to get her to change her mind and go to the bank right then to withdraw the money!

When he starts "throwing a fit", as his mother puts it, she puts her foot down and tells him that his behavior won't make her change her mind in his favor, and that because of his behavior she WON'T give in to him. She has done this as a reaction to his throwing fits ever since he was two years old, yet he STILL tries it! Anyway, things got bad rather quickly after that, and he has tried to make his parent's lives a "living hell" ever since, it seems.

They have had him in counseling, with them, off and on ever since sixth grade. He's in 10th grade now. He had a psychiatric evaluation at Mayo Clinic a year ago, just a month before the shoplifting incident, at the recommendation of the Psychologist they had been taking him to. He was diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, and possible Bipolar Disorder by that Psychiatrist.

The family is receiving services through Region III Behavioral Services, and they are involved in the school "Wrap Around" progam, which works with at-risk youth in their school, home, and other social environments. His Youth Group leader is a part of the Behavioral Services Team, as is his school counselor, both parents, himself, the Team Coordinator, and the School Psychologist. His family's LMHP counselor is also on the Team. He sees a Psychiatrist who deals with adolescents, and just had another medication added to his routine when his mother took him to see the Psychiatrist yesterday.

He had done some superficial cutting on his left wrist on Sunday, but his mother didn't see it until Tuesday morning. She did what the Behavioral Services Team had recommended as an emergency plan in case anything like this happened, and took him to the hospital ER for an emergency mental health evaluation. He told the counselor who interviewed him there that he had made the cuts on his wrist out of anger and frustration with his parents for pressing charges against Movie Gallery for letting him rent the movie that was rated "R", and that he was also having some problems with peers, and that he didn't have any other outlet for his anger that he wouldn't get into trouble for.

Anyway, it seems this boy just doesn't know when to stop fighting his parents rules and start behaving! They're very concerned about his behavior, and are doing everything possible to raise him right, but nothing seems to help. His mother has drug test strips at their house, and routinely does drug testing on him if/when he is acting out like that. The tests have all been negative, and she knows it is his urine and it hasn't been altered in any way. He hasn't been drinking alcohol, because they keep very close tabs on him and he hasn't ever showed positive on the alcohol tests they use on him occasionally, either. They have also warned him about the risks of mixing alcohol with all of the other medications he is on, and have told him it would be fatal to him.

His parents are Christians, and his mother especially is very involved at their church. She is the Nursery Coordinator at the church, and is involved in Stephen Ministries, Christ Care groups, and the Hand Bell Choir. She also drives the church bus on a volunteer basis for various church group activities. These parents have a lot of faith, and are asking for LOTS and LOTS of prayers for their son and for their situation. I told them I would ask for prayers from people here on this forum for them, also, as it can't hurt and it might just help. It seems to be about the ONLY thing that will help them at this point.

[Jods]

In my opinion, to answer your question No it isn't normal.

[Luvin Labs]

wow maybe a good dose of boot camp will teach him. that tantrum in walmart sounds like he still thinks he's a li'l kid that can get away with it. maybe a good reality check, like one day in jail (just about serious here) with criminals (not in his cell, but near it) will give him a dose of what could happen.

does he have a job or just an allowance?

that or, let him run off. realize what actually needs to be done for him to get on in life.

or one heck of an ass whooping... (jk, well kinda).

good luck to them... unless he wakes up to reality I think we'll see him in the police log somewhere...

[IRescue452]

Ha! Let 'em run, he'll come back. What's going on is not normal, something is wrong if he is doing all this planning and the problems doesn't start with him. Sounds like me when I was that ge except I systematically desensitized myself to falling off high places. Definate plea for help.