Cat Commandments

[Pam]

Got these yesterday and they had me rolling on the floor. I just had to share them with everyone!!

Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the computer.

Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as if thou art transparent.

Thou shall not projectile hair balls from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 a.m.

Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore, houseplants are not meat.

Thou shall pee only in thy litter box.

Thou shall attempt to show remorse when being scolded.

[lhg0962]

That is hilarious. I hope you don't mind if I pass it along to a few of my cat loving friends. It will make their day! Thanks, Pam, for sharing it.

[gini]

Pam, The Commandments are the best. I have many friends who live with cats who will just love this. Thanks

[margaret]

Ha ha ha! Those are terrific! If only my cats would follow these commandments religiously!

[wolflady]

Here's one I know my cats follow...

Determine which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. They won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

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"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb

[wolflady]

Along with the commandments...here are the Laws of Physics as applied to cats:

1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.

11 - Law of Obediance Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

26 - Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

27 - Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

28 - Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.

29 - Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

30 - Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

31 - Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might" be.

32 - Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.



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"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb

[Helen]

These are all great! I like Wolflady's No 18 - I love it when a cat, say, slips off a window sill - they always seem to immediately start washing furiously, then look round furtively to see if anyone did happen to see their humiliation. The look on their faces,if they know they've been seen, always seems to say, "Yes, course I DID mean to do that!!"



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Helen

[Pam]

Helen....Cats aren't so different from us I am afraid. I did the same thing last winter when I fell on the ice and chipped my elbow (looked all around to see who was watching! ) Only difference......I didn't feel the need to begin the furious grooming that they do!

[wolflady]

Isn't it funny that cats and humans alike do that? My older cat, Socks, likes to jump on the bed. The bed is really high, it has an extra layer of that squishy egg carton stuff, so the bed is almost up to my waist. Anyhow, Socks will, on occasion, attempt to jump and he'll bounce right off of the bed! The first time he did that I laughed so hard. I heard this funny noise, then a loud 'thud' and saw him sitting on the floor. He looked a little dazed, then started that furious washing. Silly kitty! He seems to be more cautious now, and will get a running start to get up there now

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"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb