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Thread: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen..

  1. #1

    "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen..

    If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."

    His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems:

    1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

    3- Half the people you know are below average.

    4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

    9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

    10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
    cheese.

    11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
    overlooked something.

    15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

    19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

    20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
    your horn louder."

    24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
    is research.

    30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to
    be on it.

    33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
    Fuzzies for Furries
    Northwest Opossum Society
    Zoology Major
    2 Virginia Opossums, 6 cats, 4 bearded dragons, 1 iguana, 1 red foot tortoise, 1 tripod chihuahua, 5 mice, dubia and hissing cockroaches as well as other misc animals that wander in and out of my home.

  2. #2
    Some of those saying are really funny. Thats just what I needed for a bad day.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Kirkland, WA
    Posts
    2,318
    I love Steven Wright, he is great to watch.

    You have to read those and imagine his monotone and almost depressed sounding vioce.

    They didn't have the one where he said:
    "I walked into a resturaunt that had a sign that said breakfast anytime. So I asked for pancakes in the 17th century."

    Thanks, I really liked reading those.
    Bob & Joey,
    and their happy and willing slave, Bryan.

    Many Thanks to Kay for the Picture.

    My motto - "Bad Spellers of the World, UNTIE!!!!"

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    11,191
    Phew I was relieved when I read your thread, I really thought all our stuff had been stolen, I was thinking OH NO not Cass, now don't you be giving an ole girl like me a fright like that again.

    BTW those were interesting comments though weren't they, some I agree with too.!!!!

    Its obvious I am not much up on authors etc.
    Furangels only lent.
    RIP my gorgeous Sooti, taken from us far too young, we miss your beautiful face and purssonality,take care of Ash for us, love you xx000❤️❤️

    RIP my beautiful Ash,your pawprints are forever in my heart, love and miss you so much my big boy. ❤️❤️

    RIP my sweet gorgeous girl Ellie-Mae, a little battler to the end, you will never ever be forgotten, your little soul is forever in my heart, my thoughts, my memories, my love for you will never die, Love you my darling little precious girl.❤️❤️

    RIP our sweet Nikita taken suddenly ,way too soon ,you were a special girl we loved you so much ,miss you ❤️❤️

    RIP my beautiful Lexie, 15 years of unconditional love you gave us, we loved you so much, and miss you more than words can say.❤️❤️

    RIP beautiful Evee Ray Skye ,my life will never be the same with out you ,I loved you so much, I will never forget you ,miss you my darling .❤️❤️

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Tucson, Az
    Posts
    9,428
    2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
    I really liked this one.
    I've been Defrosted!

    Thanks for the great signature Kay!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Stockton, CA
    Posts
    8,683
    My favorite Steve Wright line is, "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

    Mom had taped one of his TV specials once and we loved that silly tape to death...
    I'm sometimes asked "Why do you spend so much of your time and money talking about kindness to animals when there is so much cruelty to men?" I answer: "I am working at the roots." -George T. Angell, reformer (1823-1909)



    Thank you, Popcornbird for creating this tribute to Summer starring Livvy and Cassy

    Livvy: 11 April 99 - 5 July 09
    Cassy: 11 July 99 - 8 April 11

    If you would like to visit my BeautiConsultant page --
    http://www.beautipage.com/serene_angel_hm_spa/

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Westchester Cty, NY
    Posts
    8,738
    "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."
    I've been finally defrosted by cassiesmom!
    "Not my circus, not my monkeys!"-Polish proverb

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Middle TN, United States
    Posts
    8,318
    2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
    This was also my favorite. Anybody know a pessimists I can borrow some money from, I really need to get my car fixed??

    Thank You, kittycats_delight for my new siggy!!!

  9. #9
    Glad you guy's enjoyed this. I really get a kick out of this guy!
    Fuzzies for Furries
    Northwest Opossum Society
    Zoology Major
    2 Virginia Opossums, 6 cats, 4 bearded dragons, 1 iguana, 1 red foot tortoise, 1 tripod chihuahua, 5 mice, dubia and hissing cockroaches as well as other misc animals that wander in and out of my home.

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