Scared of commitment?

[Alysser]

I wasn't going to post about this, but after a discussion with my mom I feel like I should. This may be a bit of a novel.

Ever since my last ex, I have had trust issues with boys, so I kind of avoided them and put them on hold (almost 4 years now) I've talked to some of them, but they weren't my type and I just didn't feel like anything would happen. One guy was a little too exotic, another was way too mature, and the list goes on. So, I've been "talking to" this guy for 3 weeks. That is the longest I've talked to someone, ever. I knew him because my best friends (and neighbors) dad works with him and he'd come help him out around the house. I'd be walking Mikey and he'd be out there and we'd just talked. I've apparently been in his scope for a few months. I finally hung out with him, with a friend of mine first. We really hit it off. She is a really close friend and she approved, she REALLY liked him for me. We went on a second date (my friends made fun of me because that is almost unheard of) this Thursday and we had so much fun. This may sound weird to some but it was the perfect date for me, if you know a little bit about me. We went kayaking and he took me off-roading in his truck. He REALLY is my type. Ourdoorsy, a bit of a country boy.

Now, my issue? I feel like I'm just going to turn around at any second and tell him I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I DON'T think that it's true, I just think I've said it because I've wanted to get out of things before they got serious before. Let's be honest, I feel like I've never been in a real relationship. I'm freakin' 19 years old (almost 20), and I think that's a little sad. For the longest time I thought there MUST have been something wrong with me. People always tell me "you're young have fun", but I'm sick of that. I've talked to 2 guys this summer already, and I just don't want that. I want something real, my issue is I think I'm afraid of commitment. I see everyone I know in year-long relationships and it just bugs me that I haven't had one yet. My friend who is younger than me is engaged already. I feel like such a loser that I still get scared of boys I don't want that to happen, I don't want to tell him that 'cause I feel like we both have potential together. Grr... this stuff frustrates me..

Any advice on how to stop being scared of commitment? My mother, being married for 35 years, doesn't seem to understand this fear. :P Sorry, I always grace PT with random irrelevant threads about my college or boy issues.

[Barbara]

Alysser, in my opinion it looks as if you are afraid of being dumped and so you prefer to be the first to dump. This is a pattern that has happened before - I would call it the intelligent girl's way to trap yourself.
The solution is easy to describe (you know I could easily be your granny) and close to impossible to do: Just relax about yourself and about all that relationship thing. Being engaged at 18 is not important. What is important is to enjoy time with friends, women and men. And I am fairly sure you ARE ok - your posts sound like it.
So if you see that guy and go kayaking with him, why don't you enjoy it and try not to make plans. Guys usually like girls with whom they can have relaxed fun-and it sounds as if being with this guy would be fun for you as well. Just enjoy the moments and manage the expectations
I keep my fingers crossed for you.

[pomtzu]

This is what I see, based on what you have posted here over a period of time.

You aren't scared of a commitment, but afraid of being hurt if a commitment fails. For example - you and your guy are "an item" for a period of time and all seems well - then he decides that he wants out, but you don't and you never saw it coming. It happens all the time, and most people experience it at least once (and probably more), before you find the one that works. Follow your instincts and don't be influenced by what your friends are or aren't doing. Take it slow and don't rush into anything, even if it seems right, and if you find someone that you like and have fun with and share like interests, then why not give it a chance? You have your whole life ahead of you and you will meet many nice guys - certainly there will be some that you will click with. If you hesitate even tho it seems right, then some other gal is going to grab him, and you will never know, and you will wonder - "what if"??


ETA: Seems that Barbara and I think alike. And yes Alysser - I have grandkids older than you are.

[Karen]

Don't feel pressured because of your age. Just because some of your friends are settled by now does not mean you need to be. But don't over think it. Don;t decide now it needs to be a long-term or short-term thing, just enjoy it, date by date for now. You are not "behind the times," don't worry, I know plenty of folks who were ten years older than you are now before they decided to actually commit to one particular person.

[Cataholic]

The reason people always say, "slow down, you are young still, have fun", etc., is cause it is the 'truth'. LOL.

Slow down. Let it just be a date, or hanging out, or doing something, or whatever you all call it these days. Try not to involve your girlfriends, who will just want to relive every moment, creating a big moment of anxiety where one doesn't need to be. If you are free, and want to hang out, do it. If not, it doesn't mean anything to anyone.

Remember where the focus is- on you, yourself, your interests, your hobbies, your development, your EDUCATION. Everything else- boys included, should be back seat..heck, they should prolly be hanging onto the bumper.

Someone said to me the other day that there is some pill that reverses your age...so you would become 24 again- no way. I hate all this anxiety over relationships. Way too much of a stressor for me.

Give me my old age, any day. Where my worries are, "did I align the spy camera the right way to catch the entire area where the cats pee?", and, "did I remember to hide some snacks away so J has some treats in his lunch this week?" :-O

[Randi]

I say don't panic, you're still young. It's good to go on a date and just hang out together, that way you'll find out if it's a relationship you want long term. I didn't have a steady boyfriend until I was 24. Relax, have fun together and give it some time, you'll find the right one eventually.

[robinh]

I agree with everything said so far. I also think that the best relationships start with a good solid friendship.

My SO and I have been together 30 years. He is my best friend. I can tell him anything and he understands me. We've done some really crazy stuff together and we laugh all the time.

If this guys is nice and he likes the same things you do, go hang-out, enjoy yourself and wait to see if it develops. If he's the right one, he'll wait until you are ready.

[moosmom]

As Judge Judy says, "You're not cooked yet!"

Take it from someone who was married at 20 and with a kid at 23, and divorced by 26...GO OUT AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE FIRST!!! I didn't "get it" till I was divorced and raising a child. Boy did I make up for lost time! Hard partying, drinking, staying out till all hours of the night. When the dust settled, I finally realized that I don't have to have a man in my life to be happy.

Now, at age 59, I'm content to be by myself. You have to be happy with yourself first, before you can be happy with anyone else. JMO

[Alysser]

I really appreciate everyones input, seriously. I think you guys are right, maybe I am just scared of being dumped or hurt again. So, I keep trapping myself. I think I'll just take it date by date for now. I told him today I am intending to take this slow....like real slow. I'm seeing where this goes for now. I do like him a decent amount though. I know I shouldn't worry about everyone else but it's just difficult not to. Everyone's always asking me about boys and things related to that. I was asked by an older woman at my internship if I was married, and I am pretty sure she knew I was 19. Personally, I think 18 is too young to be engaged, but it's my friends business not mine. Engagement isn't my goal any time soon, but a REAL relationship wouldn't be bad right about now.

Cataholic, I've made it very clear to him that my education (college-wise) and career (another thing I've yet to figure out, but at least narrowed down!) are key. I've always been told I'm independent by my parents and people close to me, and I would never screw myself out of a dream career for some boy

[mon]

There is no specific age to fall in love with the right person. When you do, you'll know it. I think you are doing everything right, for you. You have self respect and perhaps the right person you haven't met quite yet. I think that you are very smart and aren't missin' a thing. I kissed a lotta frogs before I met my prince, never settle for anything less. Seriously, never settle honey

[Taz_Zoee]

I was in your shoes 20 years ago. All my friends were getting married and having babies. Sure it hurt a little when I really thought about it. I had several failed relationships. But two days before I turned 30 I met the man I've been with for over 9 years now. No we aren't married or have kids, but...........we're happy!
He wasn't in the "ideal" category for me either. He is 13 years older than me and I thought it would never work. But with no pressure of commitment things have worked out great!
Of course we always get the comments "why aren't you married?" or "do you want to get married?" or "when are you getting married?" My usual answers are "because" or "it's not that important" or "maybe never".

Oh, and I always hated when people said this to me (but I found out it's true!), but "it will happen when you least expect it". Stop trying so hard and it will happen. When I met Bruce I had just ended a 9 month relationship and thought "there's no harm in just talking to this guy". We've never gone a day in 9 years without talking.
I also hated it when people said "you're still young, you have your whole life ahead of you". But now that I'm almost 40, again, I see it was/is true! Shoot, I still feel like I've got my whole life ahead of me, even if it is just a bit shorter.

Bottom line is just do what makes you happy. Not what makes everyone else happy.

[Lady's Human]

You're 19. You should be "scared of commitment", you're too young.

Go out, have fun, and figure out who you are as well as figuring out what you want in a serious relationship.