opinions wanted family issue

[caseysmom]

I am having an issue with my brother in law...sister's husband and I need some advice or opinions.

I invite him and my sister over often for family gatherings, my husbands brother and wife often come with their 3 year old son.
My brother in law constantly makes remarks regarding my nephew. He did go through a stage a while back like banging on the piano etc but
overall he is a good kid and I think a normal 3 year old boy with lots of energy. The first time the remark was because there was a birthday cake
for someone so he stuck his finger in the icing, my brother in law had a fit. The next birthday occasion he did the same thing and my brother in
law said something about not wanting cake because of that kid, I was ready for him though I told him I also had cupcakes somewhere else.

So for mothers day I invited my in laws and I didn't intend to invite my sister and her husband. My sister called my daughter to invite all of us over
and she didn't know what to do so I called my sister and invtied her too. We had a bit of a falling out a few years ago and we have been on good terms
for a few years so I don't want to lose my sister. Well Sunday my nephew was looking for potter and someone said we should let him know he is inside, my
nephew was looking on the porch, my brother in law said no let him stay out there right in front of his mom. He was on good behaviour and did nothing obnoxious
yesterday but when I got the cake out for mothers day he said to my husband ...its my birthday??? so my husband dotes on my nephew and loves him to death so
he sticks a candle in the cake and gets everyone to sing happy birthday...my brother in law couldn't stand it he says "wait until that kid grows up and sees that
the whole world doesn't revolve around him"

Also a bit of history when my brother in law and sister married he had custody every other weekend of his son and I usually ended up with him but they have a
huge house and the kitchen has 3 sinks but their son wasn't allowed to wash his hands in any kitchen sink he had to go top the laundry room so he does have control issues.

My question...should I realize he is a jerk in that area and ignore it so I can see my sister or should I send her a note explaining how I feel, it really makes me upset for my sister in law although she has been good about ignoring him but they are guests in my home and he is basically coming over and insulting their kid.

Sorry its so long.

[caseysmom]

Forgot to add that since the twins were born we are trrying to be careful to give my nephew enough attention because of course the twins
are getting tons...hence the birthday cake candle...

[Cataholic]

Firstly, there is NOTHING wrong with putting a candle in a cake and singing Happy Birthday to a 3 year old, even when it isn't his birthday. Trust me, they grow up fast enough and realize the world 'isn't all about them'. Is this the 3 year old in the same family as the twins? If so, I would go out of my way to make sure he realizes how special and loved he is. Of course, even not, he should still be shown how special and loved he is.

If someone comes to my house and insults my guests, I would say something. But, your sister should also stick up for her own child, too. No need to have a war, but maybe, "seems you have forgotten what it is like to be 3, we haven't. Please back off" or something to that effect.

Oh, the horrors of a child sticking his finger in a birthday cake! I can only presume your BIL never, ever eats out in a restaurant. Talk about dirty/germy.

[pomtzu]

Well I might be in the minority, but I think this little boy needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around him. Sorry!!! By putting that candle on the cake, your hubby was reinforcing the little boy's behavior - I won't say bad behavior - maybe more like undesirable. And the boy should have learned you don't stick your fingers in somebody else's cake - especially twice. I believe the parents are at fault tho - IF he behaves at home, then he needs to be taught that he has to behave at other people's homes too.
Of course this is just my very old fashioned opinion.

[moosmom]

Well Pomtzu, looks like you and I are BOTH old fashion, cuz I totally agree with you.

I worked with a woman who had 3 daughters. Everytime it was one of their birthdays, they ALL got a gift so the other ones wouldn't be left out. If they didn't get a gift, they threw tantrums. That is udder BS. And rewarding this kid for bad behavior is not a good thing either.

I believe it is the parent's obligation to see that their children behave both at home AND out in the REAL world. As far as the BIL is concerned, I think he has issues with kids in general. Nothing this little kid does will be okay with the BIL.

[catnapper]

If you didn't say anything at the time, you missed your opportunity. If he freaks out again, say something jokey like "thank goodness Godzilla saved half of Tokyo!" or "I guess its HIS cake now!"

My brother has the best behaved kids I know. At Easter I bought Bakery made cupcakes. His kids know they aren't allowed sweets, so when the adults were having a conversation in one room, they were in another licking the frosting off of $20 worth of cupcakes. I thought it was funny. Funny! They took a calculated risk (knew they weren't allowed sweets but weighed it against dad's reaction) and went for it. They're KIDS! At a PARTY. I was upset over the money wasted, but I was the idiot who bought gourmet cupcakes for a family gathering.... besides it was my brother's job to correct them. By the way, Cameron looked at me in shock because he knew he would never get away with something like that.... but his misbehavior is of a different variety -- he's high energy and generally embrasses us in public as strangers watch either in horror or laughing their tooshies off (people think he's much older because of how big he is. He's 5 but defintely looks 8. They tell me he should be acting his age.... yeah, have a five year old act like an eight year old and you can keep waiting three years to see it happen).

As for saying something to him or your sister. Tell your sister it hurts you. Use "I" statements (see? my time in therapy has some uses! ) and see if she can talk to him. If she disagrees, then agree to disagree and drop it. You told her how it makes you feel. Its her husband and her relationship and she can talk to him about his behavior. It will only cause animosity if you skipped over her and hent to him. I am still smarting 10 years later when my brother did that to my husband.... they were right, but they went about it all wrong.

[momcat]

Ellie and Donna, I have to agree with both of you. Apparently, BIL isn't a kid person but that's okay. Kids that age get on my nerves now, I just don't have the patience for them anymore. But at 3, this kid should have some manners and know better than to stick his hands in cake frosting.

[pomtzu]

Just one more thought................Hubby missed an opportunity to steer this little boy in the right direction. When the boy saw the cake and asked if it was his birthday, hubby should have said; "no - it's for (fill in the blank), and after the cake is cut, you will get to have a piece too." Why not nurture him to become a sharing individual?? - nothing wrong with that! The longer everyone waits to introduce him to acceptable behavior, the less likely you are to have positive results.