A lot of stuff... Please read if you have the time

[Ann]

Hi everyone... Haven't been able to post for a while; real life is pretty chaotic right now.

My grandpa died two days ago. I have posted about him before and as some of you might remember he has been fighting leukemia for a long time now, going back and forth from his home with my grandma and the hospital. Now he has given up and he's gone. I don't think I've come to accept it yet... I didn't even cry at first but then I took this long walk in the pouring rain at midnight and just cried my heart out. It's just so hard to understand that I'll never ever get to see him again... I mean, I really thought he would beat his disease and be the healthy grandpa of mine he used to be but now it won't ever happen. I don't know what to do... I just can't belive it. Why does everyone have to die? I don't get it... My little Titti, my great grandma and great grandpa and now my grandpa... It's not fair, it's just not fair... I can't belive it.

I haven't been going to school these past days, something I know I'll get problems with since I've missed four tests and I'll miss another one next Thursday; when the funeral will be. I wish this Thursday would never ever come... I can't take funerals, I really can't. I've been to one before and dear God... I just can't take it, but I have to.

I wasn't there when he passed away... I got so mad at my dad because he, his two brothers and my grandma was there when he left and they could have called me so I could have came and said bye and now I'm crying again but... I wanted to be there. I never get to say bye... Everyone that's died I've never gotten to be there with... That's not fair. I know it's not my dad's fault but I wish I had known so I could have been there... I regret that so badly and I can never make amends for it either cause he's gone...

I've been trying to get my mind of it all by sleeping and working on my website. I was up til 3 am last night finishing my site up and now it's all re-design and majorly updated. That's nice I guess cause I've been wanting to do that forever now and it has taken my mind of it all very effectively. I wanna say something about my grandpa at my site but I didn't have the strength to write it out... I'll try to later. If you want you can check my site out at peachkin.com, tell me what you thought in my guestbook or here or whatever... I'm glad I have a website, it's a good way to get out feelings and just get your mind of life.

Oh and yeah, remember I found a little kitty? Well, she's doing just fine and her name ended up being Kattja. I made a page for her at my website too with tons of photos (she's a cute lil bugger). I will post some of those photos later in the cat forum, but for now you can see them at my site (I just don't have the strength to post them right now is all).

Another thing that makes me so upset is how people are so terribly greedy... I mean, my grandpa's funeral will cost a ton of money, and my grandma wants to put a little obituary in the newspaper this Sunday, very short and consise and that will cost 3500kr (that's roughly 350 dollars)! Of course we will help her to pay for everything but if we hadn't had much money either then what?! It's just so scary to see this world... Everything is about money money money, filthy money.

Well my contacts has gotten all blurry from crying, so I'm gonna get off a while now and just rest a while... Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

[All Creatures Great And Small]

I'm so sorry for your pain, but it's good that you have poured it all out. I can understand your frustration at not being there when your grandpa passed away, but maybe your dad and uncles were so distraught themselves that they couldn't think clearly to call you. I've lost my mother-in-law and father-in-law and my kitty in the last 2 years, and I wasn't there for any of them either. (My in-laws died very suddenly at home from heart attacks, 14 months apart. There was no time to react.) I know that your grandpa felt your presence and still does, with such a sweet and caring granddaughter. It will be hard to go to the funeral, but you should, to show your love and respect for your grandpa. I agree with you that 3500kr is an obscene amount of money to have to pay for an obituary. I've never understood why newspapers have to charge at all for that. They make enough money from the other hundreds of pages; can't they be decent and post obituaries for free? Do they think people will abuse the privilege and start putting fake obituaries in the paper? They print the news for free, and an obituary is news, information, not something like a classified ad to make a profit. I don't see where there is even 3500kr worth of labor used to print those few small lines. Shame on them. You will eventually find the strength to post your own obituary for him on your webpage, and you can write pages and pages, with photos and all.

I stopped by your website - interesting! I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with school - my sister is studying at Cambridge in England, and she has a very useless supervisor too. She also had a lot of personal problems that interfered with her schooling, but she is supposedly going to finish this December (finally) and get her PhD in Linguistics. (About time, too, since she's 45 years old! No, she didn't start when she was 18) Hang in there; the clouds will lift eventually, but it just takes time.

[Karen]

Our thoughts will be with you, Ann, and so good to hear you got to keep Kattja - lovely name, and a nice thing to happen at this stressful time for you.

[neko1]

I know exactly how you feel. My grandmother died March 12th of this year. She lived in PA. She had gotten sick a couple days before she died and my mother went down there to take her to the hospital. My mother kept telling me not to worry and that I didn't have to come down there. One of her arteries to her heart was blocked so they were going to try to open it up. While they were doing that, she had a heart attack and never regained consciousness. Her heart was so weak that my mother and my uncles decided to take her off life support. It turned out that she had been having silent heart attacks for the past couple of years that had been damaging her heart muscles. This was all caused by her excessive SMOKING!!!! The day she died I kept trying to call my mom all morning while I was at work just to see how she was doing (at this point I had no idea what was going on) I couldn't get ahold of my mother and it was really frustrating me. I also had my fiancee trying to get ahold of her and my stepfather couldn't get ahold of her either. Then finally at around 2pm my fiancee called me and told me she passed away at 12:52. I freaked out, fell to the floor and balled hysterically. I come to find out later that my mother did not want my fiancee to tell me while I was at work becuase she said it would upset me! I was so sad about my grandmother but at the same time so pissed off at my mother that I didn't get to say goodbye.
Her funeral was horrible...it was the first funeral I've ever been to. My mother and I are driving down to PA this morning to visit her grave. It still hasn't sunk in completely. And the worst part is that she will not be there when I get married in June. sometimes it just gets me down but your life has to go on..that's what your loved ones would want for you! If you ever want to talk to me more about this, just pm me!

[DoggiesAreTheBest]

Ann, I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather. Please know that your Pet Talk friends will always be here to listen when you need us. You and your family will be in my thoughts during this rough time.

Hope everything goes Ok with school. Maybe you won't get into too much trouble.

Congrats on your new addition! I love the name Kattja. I bet she is adorable. I will check out the pictures as soon as I get a chance. How's Tina?

[Edwina's Secretary]

Ann,

I had been wondering about you and your kitty. I'm so sorry that you have been having such a rough time. It is so hard to understand the cycle of life. I know recently, my father has not been well and I have been trying to understand why we age and die and how those left behind cope. Pondering the unponderable I'm afraid.

But you have your parents, your boyfriend, your pets and now baby Kattja! Please though...school is important. It is another thing in which you can get absorbed!

My condolences on the loss of your beloved grandfather....

[luckies4me]

I am sorry for your loss and you will be in my thoughts tonight. I am sure your grandfather loved you very much and you him. In time you will write what you feel.

I went to your site and I must say that I love it! Saw your cute new kitty (love that patch of white on her chest!) and she is a real cutie. Good luck withher and take care of yourself. I also signed your guestbook.

[anna_66]

Ann, it was so nice to hear from you, but I'm sorry it was under such terrible circumstances. I'm so sorry that you lost him. I hope your little Kattja can help you get over this terrible time in your life, and you have your webpage to keep your mind occupied. I will stop by and check it out.
Take care of yourself. PM me if you need a friend to talk to.

Anna

[Sudilar]

Ann, so sorry to hear about your Grandfather. You and your family have my heart-felt sympathy.

[jenluckenbach]

Dear Ann,
If you are in school then you are a lot younger than I, but we have something in common. I just attended the funeral of my BEST friend, yesterday. And I too, am crying my eyes out. Just as you, I know that they are in a better place, but we are here and it hurts very much. My friend was only 41 and I did not get to say good bye either and it is hard to imagine the feeling of never seeing them again. Your little kitty and your website project are good diversions to try to keep going forward, but never feel guilty about just sitting and letting all your feelings out. I don't!!! take care.

[HoRsELUvR]

thats really sad.my condolences to u.i know u must be feeling reallly terrible but dont blame urself for not being there when he died.im sure he was thinking of you as you were thinking of him.:'(

[Miss Meow]

Ann, I was wondering where you were. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather. Please accept my condolences.

It's good to hear that Kattje is going well. I'll visit your web site later and have a good look around.

Look after yourself {{hugs}}

Nicole

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Ann ... I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You have my deepest sympathies. I am the type of person who absolutly can not deal with death so I can imagine your pain. Sometimes it is best not to be there to say goodbye... I know it would be in my case. It may have been hard for your grandfather to see you in such pain. If you need a friend to talk to you can pm me.

[AmberLee]

Dear Ann,

So sorry that you are going through such a rough time right now. It sounds like getting involved in your work, exercise, and animals is helping you. That's great.

Sometimes reaching out to others that are hurting helps me, too, besides what you are already doing. Good luck.


I will be holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

[ownerof3dogs]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of you grandpa. I know exactly how you feel...you see I just lost my grandma May 7 of this year. It feels so terrible. The weird part is knowing that you wont see them again. Sometimes I forget. For example at my High School graduation that was two months later, I almost bought five tickets instead of four. I know it's going to be strange this Christmas when I don't get a cute card from her and a funny gift. I also agree that funerals are weird. I really hate them . To me it just rubs it in more and make me feel worse.

But try not to be too down you will start to feel better soon and don't feel to bad about not saying goodbye(I didn't either) I am sure you Grandpa hears you from heaven and knows you said goodbye in your heart.

Feel better soon,

Diana