--My cat does not barf hairballs,

he is a floor/rug redecorator.


--My cat does not break things,

she helps gravity do its job.


--My cat does not fear dogs,

they are merely sprint practice tools.


--My cat does not gobble,

she eats with alacrity.


--My cat does not scratch,

he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.


--My cat does not yowl,

he is singing off-key.


--My cat is not a "shedding machine",

she is a hair relocation stylist.


--My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile,"

she enjoys the proximity of food.


--My cat is not a bed hog,

he is a mattress appreciator.


--My cat is not a chatterbox,

she is advising me on what to do next.


--My cat is not a dope addict,

she is catnip appreciative


--My cat is not a lap fungus,

he is bed selective.


--My cat is not a pest,

she is attention deprived.


--My cat is not a ruthless hunter,

she is a wildlife control expert.


--My cat is not evil,

she is badness enhanced.


--My cat is not fat,

he is mass enhanced.


--My cat is not hydrophobic,

she has an inability to appreciate moisture.


--My cat is not lazy,

he is motivationally challenged.


--My cat is not underfoot,

she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).