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Thread: Brand new JOKES Thread!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
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    Belgium, near Ghent
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    Brand new JOKES Thread!

    A long search for the old Jokes-thread once started by our Popcornbird, didn't help me find it... .

    But, hey, with a new year coming up, how about starting a brand new JOKES Thread?! A good joke is always good for the spoul, or like my granddad used to say : "A good joke a day, keeps the doctor away" . ( he got 92 )

    Let's start!! Post as many jokes as you like!


    A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant
    that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

    The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
    wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked
    inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

    "Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you
    have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider
    eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

    Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
    "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
    ************************************************** *********************

    A Latin American tour guide was addressing a small group of
    senior citizens and telling them about the country they were
    visiting. When he asked if they had any questions, one person
    inquired, "What is the number one sport in this country?"

    "Bullfighting," the guide replied.

    The same person asked, "Isn't that revolting?"

    "No," replied the tour guide. "That's number two!"
    I miss you enormously Maya, Inka & Zazou! Be happy there at the Rainbow Bridge

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
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    Belgium, near Ghent
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    One more, a little bit "naughty"

    A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

    The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

    "What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."


    "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.


    "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"


    "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"


    "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they've finally laying fertilized eggs."


    "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"


    "I switched cocks," he replied.

    "What a coincidence!", she replied....
    I miss you enormously Maya, Inka & Zazou! Be happy there at the Rainbow Bridge

  3. #3
    a drunk guy trips and stumbles his way inside a bar...
    finally he sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey...
    being quite drunk and not being able to focus...
    he finally notices a horse sitting next to him having a beer...
    he takes a good, hard, long, look and finally says...
    "Hey buddy, (hic)..why the long face??"...

    Why didn't the skeleton jump of the cliff?
    Coz he didnt have the guts!!!...

    yeah, yeah, i know corny!!...

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Ontario/Canada
    Posts
    5,772
    Blonde Diary:

    January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
    Helllloooo!!! bottles won't fit in typewriter!

    March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
    months.....box said "2-4 years!"

    April - Trapped on an escalator for hours.....power went out!

    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water
    won't fit into those little packets!

    June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
    other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

    August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because
    soft-top was open.

    September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it?

    November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
    pound and I weigh 108 lbs!

    December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on
    the stupid phone!

    What a year!!
    See ALL my pets here
    Dogs:Pixie.Shrek
    Cats:Milo.Duck.Hank.Molly.Zoe

    R.I.P:Thunder.Rockee

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Virginia US
    Posts
    5,036
    Buttercup- ROFL!!!!!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    County Kildare, Ireland
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    Heres one got it a while back but made me laugh - sorry if it offends someone but I am catholic and I still laughed...



    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

    "Of course. What may I do for you?"

    "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
    Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
    could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

    "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

    "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

    "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

    The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

    "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

    Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!
    jackmilliesmom

    Thanks to Michelle (Kittycats_Delight) for my wonderful
    cheerful and special signature and avatar!!!!!!

    **I'VE BEEN FROSTED**

  7. #7
    Join Date
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    County Kildare, Ireland
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    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

    They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game,

    he asked her how she liked the experience.

    "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

    Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
    jackmilliesmom

    Thanks to Michelle (Kittycats_Delight) for my wonderful
    cheerful and special signature and avatar!!!!!!

    **I'VE BEEN FROSTED**

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    County Kildare, Ireland
    Posts
    549
    Will look up a couple more later busy at work right now - sorry
    jackmilliesmom

    Thanks to Michelle (Kittycats_Delight) for my wonderful
    cheerful and special signature and avatar!!!!!!

    **I'VE BEEN FROSTED**

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Deep-N-Heart of Tx && My Babie's Hearts
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    15,555

    Brand new JOKES Thread!

    Reading Test

    1. This is this cat
    2. This is is cat
    3. This is how cat
    4. This is to cat
    5. This is keep cat
    6. This is an cat
    7. This is old cat
    8. This is fart cat
    9. This is busy cat
    10. This is forty cat
    11. This is seconds cat

    Now read each line
    Now go to the third word & read straight down..

    ~~~Thank You Very Much {Kim} kimlovescats for the Grand Siggy~~~

    [[ Furr Babies are Like Potato Chips **** No One Can Have Just One ]]
    ****** Kindness, Mercy & Justice to All Living Creatures ******
    {{{{{Everyday is a Gift = That's why it's Called the Present }}}}}
    ((( Each Day With Our Pets is a Surprise Package Waiting to be Opened )))
    <Sunsets are God's Reminder to Us That At The End of the Day We're All In This Together>

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Deep-N-Heart of Tx && My Babie's Hearts
    Posts
    15,555

    Brand new JOKES Thread!

    Boudreaux & Band-Aids

    Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux..
    He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile..
    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step..
    As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed on his rump..
    A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painfull..
    Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding..
    He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..
    He thin hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
    In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room..
    She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
    Boudreaux said "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?
    "Well", Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror..

    ~~~Thank You Very Much {Kim} kimlovescats for the Grand Siggy~~~

    [[ Furr Babies are Like Potato Chips **** No One Can Have Just One ]]
    ****** Kindness, Mercy & Justice to All Living Creatures ******
    {{{{{Everyday is a Gift = That's why it's Called the Present }}}}}
    ((( Each Day With Our Pets is a Surprise Package Waiting to be Opened )))
    <Sunsets are God's Reminder to Us That At The End of the Day We're All In This Together>

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Belgium, near Ghent
    Posts
    12,861
    How To Shower Like a Woman:

    Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

    Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

    Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

    Rinse conditioner off hair.

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

    Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


    How To Shower Like a Man:

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your ass.

    Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

    Wash your ass, leaving those coarse ass hairs stuck on the soap.

    Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

    Rinse off and get out of shower.

    Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

    Admire willy size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

    Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.

    Throw wet towel on bed.
    I miss you enormously Maya, Inka & Zazou! Be happy there at the Rainbow Bridge

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Virginia US
    Posts
    5,036
    ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bad...........

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Up North. Where all your troubles freeze and fall off.
    Posts
    3,130
    In the Christmas mood!

    If athletes get athletes foot then what do astronauts (sp?) get?

    Mistletoe!
    STILL AVAILABLE BY E-MAIL

  14. #14
    Dog Fight (Sorry if this offends anyone, I thought it was funny )
    The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
    The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
    When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
    When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
    The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
    "That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."


    A Cat's Diary:

    Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

    I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.


    Three Racehorses:

    Three racehorses were standing in a stable bragging to each other one day. The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them." "That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!" The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!" Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!" The horses look down and sees a greyhound. "I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!" The horses look at the dog in amazement. One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"


    The Old Man And The Parrot: (This one is kind of bad )
    An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

  15. #15

    Lol!!!!

    I like the old man and the parrot ...and here i am thinking, gee i better hold back on any jokes that might offend or be a little too rude.. ..they are quite funny...

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